Monday, December 27, 2010

Gratitude for my Every Day Life

I was in a car accident a few weeks ago.  It was not anything serious, but it did damage my SUV.  But I am not writing this to complain!  The moment happened so quickly.  I was stopped at a round-about waiting for a few cars to pass around, when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a white truck sliding towards me.  It had snowed earlier that morning and the roads were still a little bit icy.  In that moment my thoughts were quick and many.  I remember looking forward and seeing if I could move forward, but there was a car right there in front of me, making their way around the round-about.  I then returned to watching the truck slide quickly towards me and my only thought at that moment was, “Oh sh#@! There is no way to avoid this one!”  And then BAM!  The truck hit the back of my car hard, sending my SUV skidding into the middle of the round-about and nearly hitting the last car going past me.  Luckily, she was quick on her feet and had moved onto the curb out of the reach of my car.  My daughter was in the car with me and I immediately looked over at her and asked her if she was okay.  She said she was fine but was getting a headache and she looked shaken up!  I had tensed up and I already could feel the headache coming on.  My first accident in over fifteen years...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

The things they tell us...

I was reflecting back to a time in my life where I was far more innocent and far more naive and I had to laugh about some of the things I was told and believed.  I am sure most parents, older siblings or peers of some sort tell little white lies to either fascinate, scare or confuse children.  I am also sure most of the things I believed were explained to me or over heard and I interpreted them the way my child like mind figured things out.  Therefore, I guess I can not put all the blame on my parents, brothers and sisters and all the other people who influenced my young mind! :)

Here are a few of the ideas I believed or thought of back in the days:

- I once believed we lived inside the Earth, the sky was the crust of the planet and the stars were small holes in the crust.  I believed the sun and the moon were inside the crust and I could not for the life of me figure out how space shuttles got through the crust!

-On that same note, I believed the sun and the moon were far smaller and they circled the Earth, instead of the Earth circling the sun.

- I was told by two babysitters that when they wiped the dust with their fingers and then licked their fingers they would turn into zombies.  I was scared of dust for years...

- When I was little I shared a room with my older sister... when I got my own room I remember hating being alone at night and praying for the day when I could be married so I would never have to sleep alone again!

- I grew up in Utah near American Fork canyon.  Every night my dad watched Mash and I used to look up at the mountain by my house and I believed Mash was actually taking place up in those mountains.

- I was told by one of my older siblings that if I covered my eyes and walked through the family room, no one would see me because I could not see them.  I tried it one time while my parents were having a large party.  I remember hiding under the night stand next to the couch and then covering my eyes and walking out into the crowd, really believing there was no chance they could see me.  I do not remember much of what happened next, except one of my parents quickly scooting me out of the room and back to bed.  I am sure they all had a good laugh, including my siblings!

-One of my brothers told me that if I ever did anything bad all I had to say to my parents was, “Satan made me do it”.  That did not fly as well as I thought it would! :)

I really could go on and on about the silly and innocent beliefs I had as a child!  I look at my kids now and I realize when I speak to them, they are interpreting what I have to say in the way their little minds can sort it out.  I get frustrated at times because they do not catch on as quickly as I want them to, but after thinking back to my mind as a child I remember how different my thoughts were back then.  I did not analyze everything and I took things exactly the way they sounded.  So now... I get to take a step back and be conscious of how I am influencing my children, even in those small and silly ways!

What are some of the silly thoughts you had as a child?  What are some of the ways you influence your children by the quick things you say, not realizing they could be interpreting it completely wrong?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Celine Dion - Fly (Story dedicated to all parents who have lost a child)

Flying With the Angels - Chapter Three

When we pulled into our driveway, my dad was already there.  The tears were endless as I saw his face. 

His face was filled with turmoil and the tears were glistening on his cheeks.  After we stopped, I took off both mine and Traci’s seat belts and pulled her out of the car with me.  I was not going to let her go.  I was not ready for anyone to take her from me.  I looked at my dad and my emotions were so great, I just fell into his arms with Traci still in mine.  He hugged us both tightly and together we cried. 

The whole time Traci held onto both of us.  At that moment, I knew my mom must have explained how we would be okay and that it was her time to continue on.  If Traci had seen this kind of display of emotion before she would have insisted she do the chemotherapy. 

She was so quiet and peaceful right now and for a moment I felt very angry with my mom.  The feeling passed quickly and all of a sudden I felt peaceful again, the way I had felt after we had ran through the flowers.  I pulled away from my dad and looked at Traci.  She smiled at me.

“You feel it too, don’t you?”  she asked me, “It’s grandma.  She’s here and wants me to tell you she loves you and she knows you will be okay.”

My dad and I immediately looked around, expecting to see my mom standing there.  Of course we did not see anything, but I felt so much peace.  I knew she was there and it looked like my dad was feeling it too. 

He pulled Traci out of my arms and together we walked into the house where Jack was on the telephone with his sister.  He got off the telephone just then and looked at the three of us.  It was hard to believe this was the end. 

We had tried so hard to get pregnant with Traci.  Afterwards, the doctors told us I would be unable to have other children.  We had felt very blessed to at least have her and now she was leaving us. 

Jack came over to us and put his arms around me and we embraced each other, while my dad carried Traci into the family room.  We held each other for a few minutes and as we separated, Jack’s parents walked into the house from the garage door.  Both of them were crying and their eyes and faces were red.

Jack pointed into the family room and both of them hurried in to see their little angel.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Flying With the Angels - Chapter Two

We arrived at the hospital a couple of hours later filled with a sense of peace. 

Traci was sleeping in the back seat with a look of contentment on her face.  Who knew an hour in a field of flowers would change the whole feeling of our day.  Traci was an angel already.  An angel sent especially to me to remind me who I am and what really matters in the chaos of the world.

We pulled in to the parking space and Jack turned off the car.  We sat in silence for a moment. 

They had expected us almost two hours ago.  It did not matter though.  The only thing that mattered was this moment, these few precious moments we had left with our little girl.  We both knew it was the end.  It was a feeling we had both received while laying in the field holding hands with Traci.  She had smiled and giggled and talked of heaven and angels.  She knew where she was going and she wanted us to be at peace with it. 

This moment was peaceful, special and tranquil.  Although we knew what was to come and we felt peaceful, we did not want to accept it.  The thought was still agonizing, so we continued to live in this moment and this moment only. 

Jack squeezed my hand bringing my thought back to the car.  I looked back at Traci and smiled.  I was lucky and privileged to have met this angel.  Jack must have read my mind.  He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

“We are so lucky.  God must have known how much we needed to have her in our lives.”

I smiled as we shared a knowing look and then we both opened our doors and climbed out of the car.  Jack opened Traci’s door and gently pulled her into his arms.  She melted into his body and he cradled her the way he had when she was a baby.  I took it all in as the tears began to roll again. 

We silently walked into the hospital and as we entered the children's ward we were greeted by a couple of impatient and angry nurses.  As they took in the scene of our little family their words instantly softened and they began to calmly instruct us on what had to be done to get Traci ready for all her tests. 

Our peaceful moments were gone, but I held onto the peace in my heart as I followed the nurses to Traci’s room.