My ex-husband passed away five years ago. This was the moment I realized I was not invincible. Although I had lived in fear during my marriage to him, I never really believed anything would happen to me or my kids. Bad things only happen in the movies, right? Well, then he died and I was left to pick up the pieces with my two children. I realized if I died my kids would be orphans. Although I had remarried and I knew my husband would take on the responsibility of my children, it frightened me to no end to think my kids could lose the most important person in the world to them. And then what? The two people who loved and cherished them the most would be gone and the thought of that drove me up the wall. I was constantly fearful of dying and leaving them alone.
Then the next spring my parents came over to dinner and my mom was telling me about a woman in her neighborhood who had recently died from a blood clot to her heart. She began telling me the symptoms of having a blood clot. I had just recently had surgery and I had changed my birth control to something that had estrogen in it as well as progesterone. I had never used birth control methods that had used estrogen, so I was already a little skeptical about using this new method. A while after my parents had left, I was laying in bed when all of a sudden I began to have a hard time breathing. At first I thought I was making it up, since my mom had told me those symptoms earlier. However, it got so bad that I jumped out of bed and told my husband something was wrong. My chest felt very heavy and I could not get a full breath. My husband immediately took me to the hospital and it turned out I had Pulmonary Embolism, multiple blood clots in my lungs. I was blown away. I believe my mom saved my life that night. I am not sure if I would have been as worried if she had not told me the story of her neighbor and had given me the symptoms of blood clots. After four days in the hospital getting pumped full of Heprin, I was released and began taking Coumadin. I was a changed woman from that day forward. I had already been fearful of dying after my ex-husbands death, but this experience intensified that feeling exponentially. I was in panic mode.
I was constantly living my life in the safest way I could. I did not want to do anything that could prematurely cause my death. It was a thought that was constantly on my mind and I began to have panic attacks. I had never had a panic attack before, so when I had my first one I thought my blood clots were back. I went back to my doctor and she had a CT scan done on my chest. The blood clots were completely gone and so she told me I was having anxiety which is very common amongst people who realized how close they actually come to death. She subscribed me some anxiety medication, the lowest dose available. At first I was happy to have something that calmed me down, but after a while I realized how weird it actually made me feel. I began to search for other ways to calm my anxiety.
Then I attended Impact Trainings in Utah. Yes, I was very skeptical of this training, but I had seen what it had done for others and I wanted the same. They taught me how to live my life in the moment instead of wishing away my life by constantly thinking of the future or the past. I gained a peace at these trainings that I had never felt before. A peace I already had inside me, but had let my ego bury it so I could not grasp it. I became more calm and peaceful in my life and by naturally using these I became more joyful. I did not need my anxiety pills any more. In fact I have not used them since I began the trainings back in October 2007. After the trainings, I used my faith in Christ and my love of the gospel to continue my peaceful and calm life. I realized I had always been given the tools to gain this peace from the church I attended. Many members of my church already had this naturally, but I had to go outside of my church to realize I already had it. It was an amazing ah-ha moment and I used this knowledge from then on so my life would be continuously joyful!
My mom passed away a little over a year ago. It was a moment in my life I will never forget. I still get sad when I think of her being gone, but I know where she is at and I know she is full of joy and serving others. I had some moments after she died where my anxiety came back. My dear friend, Crystal, pointed out to me that my anxiety initially began after my ex-husbands death and came back after my moms death. I was reacting again to death in a negative and fearful way. It was time to take my power back and gain control of my life. I asked my dad for a fathers blessing and in this blessing he told me God was mindful of the fear in my heart. He then said, there was no need to fear anything. I have not forgotten that message and the days where I allow my ego to take charge and the fear comes back, I think back to this blessing and remember God does NOT want me to be fearful because there is no need. That blessing got me back on the path of peace and joy and I am grateful for the knowledge of my Heavenly Father and His love for me.
I do not live in fear any more. I am not scared to die. I don’t even think about it any more because I choose to live in this moment, not in fear of what is to come. My kids, my husband and my home will be fine when I am gone. Life will go on and things will happen in the way God intended them to happen. If I am here for years to come I will be grateful for every day I get to spend on this Earth, enjoying my family and the beauty of life God is sharing with me. Fear can not be in the same space as peace and I choose peace. I choose to live a life of joy, peace and excitement!
My girls and I loving the moment of pure exhilaration on the Tower of Terror in Disneyland...
What are some fears you have to deal with on a daily basis? What are some of the things you have done to overcome your fears?
That crazy reality hit me hard on January 8th, 2000 when I almost died in that car accident. Ever since then I've been struck with a fear that I could go at any moment. I always knew this was true, but knowing is one thing, and actually feeling it is another.
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