Flying With the Angels - Chapter Two

We arrived at the hospital a couple of hours later filled with a sense of peace. 

Traci was sleeping in the back seat with a look of contentment on her face.  Who knew an hour in a field of flowers would change the whole feeling of our day.  Traci was an angel already.  An angel sent especially to me to remind me who I am and what really matters in the chaos of the world.

We pulled in to the parking space and Jack turned off the car.  We sat in silence for a moment. 

They had expected us almost two hours ago.  It did not matter though.  The only thing that mattered was this moment, these few precious moments we had left with our little girl.  We both knew it was the end.  It was a feeling we had both received while laying in the field holding hands with Traci.  She had smiled and giggled and talked of heaven and angels.  She knew where she was going and she wanted us to be at peace with it. 

This moment was peaceful, special and tranquil.  Although we knew what was to come and we felt peaceful, we did not want to accept it.  The thought was still agonizing, so we continued to live in this moment and this moment only. 

Jack squeezed my hand bringing my thought back to the car.  I looked back at Traci and smiled.  I was lucky and privileged to have met this angel.  Jack must have read my mind.  He leaned over and kissed my forehead.

“We are so lucky.  God must have known how much we needed to have her in our lives.”

I smiled as we shared a knowing look and then we both opened our doors and climbed out of the car.  Jack opened Traci’s door and gently pulled her into his arms.  She melted into his body and he cradled her the way he had when she was a baby.  I took it all in as the tears began to roll again. 

We silently walked into the hospital and as we entered the children's ward we were greeted by a couple of impatient and angry nurses.  As they took in the scene of our little family their words instantly softened and they began to calmly instruct us on what had to be done to get Traci ready for all her tests. 

Our peaceful moments were gone, but I held onto the peace in my heart as I followed the nurses to Traci’s room.


Traci woke up as Jack was laying her in bed.  She started to cry when she saw where she was.

“Mommy I don’t want to be here.  I want to go home.”

I sat down on the bed with my little girl and held both her hands in mine and said, “Traci they are going to do some more tests and see what our options are.  Maybe we will get lucky and the cancer will be beaten again.  Baby we have to try.”

Traci stared into my eyes for a moment and then quietly said, “Okay.”

I knew she was humoring me.  She did not want to be here, but we had to make sure.  We had to be definite on our options.  Then we would let her help in the ultimate decision of her life.  After all it was her life.  We would just be there for guidance.

Traci laid down in her hospital bed and said, “Let’s get this over with.”

“We can start chemo immediately,” the attending doctor told Jack and myself, in the early morning,” but her chances are very slim as Dr. Hershey told you yesterday.  The cancer is every where.  She is in definitely in the final stages and I fear chemo will just make her last days miserable.  Please keep in mind, every minute counts at this point.  However, this is your decision.”

“This is Traci’s decision,” I abruptly said.

“You can not leave this decision up to a seven year old,” the doctor exclaimed.

“No, not entirely,” Jack replied,” but she deserves to be a part of it.  This is her life after all.”

“Yes, of course, I just don’t know how much of this Traci would be able to comprehend,” the doctor responded.

I looked into the doctors eyes and I knew he really cared about Traci, but he did not know her.  She was different, wiser, and far more able to comprehend this situation then even myself or Jack.

“Dr. Jones, I understand your point, however Traci is wise for her young age.  Take a moment with her, without rushing through and maybe you will get a glimpse of her wisdom.  I will tell you what, if she knew there was any hope with the chemo she would do it for us.  She would go through the pain so we could have hope.  However, she has already come to peace with death.  She is not afraid of what is to come, she is only afraid of how we will be once she is gone.  She does not want us to mourn her.  She only wants us to celebrate her life, but we all know, including her, that is not what we will do.  She is afraid of our mourning and our pain, plain and simple.  We have to let her make the ultimate decision and we have to let her know she gets to do what she FEELS is best for her, not what is best for us.”

Dr. Jones eyes had filled with tears as he had listened to me.  It was definitely an emotional morning for all involved.  He seemed to be in deep thought and it took him a few moments to speak to us again.

Wiping his eyes with a tissue, the doctor looked at us and quietly said, “I feel your pain and I can understand your daughters bravery and desire to make you happy.  I know this has got to be the hardest decision you have ever made and Traci’s as well.  I will tell Traci exactly what I have told you and from there I will let you three have a family meeting and make a decision.  If she chooses to start chemotherapy we will begin immediately.  If not... we will discharge her and let her live her last days at home.  However, for legal reasons I would suggest having a lawyer in the meeting with you so if she does choose to forego chemotherapy there will not be any or little backlash from others.”

“I already called our lawyer and he is ready to come on down whenever we are ready,” Jack quickly replied.

“Give him a call and have him head on over,” Dr. Jones said, getting up from his chair and signaling for them to follow him.

When the doctor and I entered Traci’s room, she was quietly staring out the window.  She looked over at us and smiled.  She had so much peace in her eyes.  I knew she was ready.  She had shown that to me earlier today and as I saw the look in her eyes I knew she had already made her decision.

“Mom, dad,” she paused briefly and then smiled again, “I am ready.  I want to leave.  Grandma was here.  She is ready for me.  I told her I did not want to die here and she said she would wait until I was back at our house and everyone has had a chance to say good-bye.”

I began sobbing.  I could not help it.  The tears and emotions flowed through my body like waves.  Jack grabbed me before I fell over. 

Traci got out of her bed and quickly walked over to us.  I fell on my knees and pulled her into my arms.  The pain was overwhelming and I could not stop the shaking.  Traci held onto me tight and told me over and over again, she loved me.  I willed my body to pass everything good in me onto Traci so she could live and I would die.  I could not bear the turmoil ripping through my body and I hated that Traci was the one comforting me. 

Why was I so weak?  Why could I not see how much God wanted His child back? 

I was feeling so selfish at this moment, but I did not want to stop the feelings.  I wanted to hold onto her and never let her go.

Over the next few minutes, my sobs began to cease and Traci pulled away so she could look at me.  Jack was kneeling with me on the floor, holding onto both of us and tears streaming down his face.  Traci looked at Jack and wiped away his tears and then looked back at me and did the same.

“Please, can we go home?  Now?  I love you guys so much.  It will be better once I am gone and eventually time will heal your hearts.  I know it.  I have to go home, Grandma is waiting for me!”

I wanted to tell her no.  I wanted to start yelling at her, at God, at my mom and anyone else who was going to step in my way.  But then I looked at her and I knew she wanted to go.  She knew it was her time and she was ready.  It was my time to get on board with her decision, no matter how horrible it felt.  She was the one who was sick and had been in so much pain. 

Why did I expect her to live when she knew it was time to go?  I pulled her in my arms again and slowly stood up.  I turned towards the doctor and nurses and walked past them.

“You all heard her decision.  Our lawyer will be here soon to get your statements.  Where do we sign to get her out of here?” I asked to no one in particular, but looking at all of them.

The doctor and nurses were all crying as well.  They seemed dumbfounded as the nurse handed Jack her chart with a release form on it.  Jack wrote down why we were leaving and then signed it. 

He opened his phone and I assumed he was calling our lawyer.  It did not matter though.  We were leaving. 

One of the nurses had gathered our things and brought them to Jack as he began to speak to the lawyer.  I could not hear what he was saying, but I knew he would take care of it.  I just walked towards the elevators and held my daughter as close to me as I could. 

When we got to the car, Jack opened the back door and I slid in the car with Traci still in my arms.  I set her next to me and put her seat belt on and then I put on my own seat belt.  Jack looked at me for a moment, not sure what I was doing and then he shut the door and climbed into the drivers seat. 

I held Traci the whole way home.  Jack was on the telephone with the lawyer and then he called his parents and my dad.  He told them to call the rest of the family.  He told them Traci was ready to say her good-byes. 

He was bawling like a baby the whole time he was on the telephone.  The reality was really hitting home and both of us were a wreck.  I was crying silently as I held my baby girl and she laid there in my arms peaceful and quiet.

To be continued...

What are all your thoughts on this second chapter?  Does it flow right?  Any feedback would be great!  And thanks for reading, I really appreciate the love and support.