Yes... it is true. It has been true for as long as I can remember! I remember days where I would be aching to go spend money I did not have. It still happens, but I have learned to control those urges! Well... most of the time! Take tonight for example. My sister-in-law sent me a notice on Facebook to LIKE a boutique. So I did because I not only like boutiques, I LOVE them! I noticed they were having a 20% off deal for one item and I ALSO noticed they did not close until 10PM. Yep, you can guess it... I hopped/danced into my car and drove joyfully over there. I promised my husband I would be good and I actually was, but I did not even have to spend what I did spend! But the store was SO darling and I could have easily spent a few hundred dollars there. Their jeans are only $49 and they are all blinged out and fit great.
What is wrong with me?!?! It’s like a monster takes over and I can not control myself. I am aching to go back and buy those jeans or maybe even a couple pair of jeans! How fun would that be!! Of course I would have to return them, because bills being paid has to take precedence... right?!?! I did end up buying a shirt... a completely beautiful shirt and I will love it forever... well, until the next best thing comes along!
And isn’t that how it always work. I mean really... shopping is my therapy but it is never ending. I spend, take home, enjoy for five minutes and then I am on to the next cute shirt. It is almost like a drug. I have to get my fix, but then I have to go back for more and more and more and before I know it I am in debt. Then I NEED more therapy! Well, geez SHOPPING did not solve a thing.
Okay, so I am not that bad, any more. However, I used to be really bad. I could never save. If I had money in my pocket it was spent fast and efficiently. It was like it was burning a hole in my pocket. My sweet friends who know me so well, will remember these days! I had no problem putting a great pair of jeans ahead of my cell phone bill or my electricity bill. Who cares if they got turned off... I will just call and beg them to work with me and it will all work out and I will get to keep the great pair of jeans! But then something else even better comes along... and the circle of life continues.
Any ways, I have learned to control those urges for the most part... but every once and a while this thing goes off in my head and all self-control goes out the window or the door or the chimney, wherever I can toss it! By the time I get to the store I can some times talk myself out of spending any money and other times I can MOSTLY talk myself out of spending most of my money... like tonight. I got a shirt. YAY! It’s a cute shirt and I did not go spend our whole savings on the rest of the store. So tonight is a victory!!
Although, I should change the title... shopping is my drug!
PS... For those who are curious, the boutiques name is SexyModest Boutique in American Fork, Utah. Hope you enjoy it as much or more than I did!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A time to heal... a time to begin a new journey...
When I got divorced I was so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. They were there for me 100%. It was a very trying time for my soul and pride and it was reassuring to know I had such wonderful people in my life. My ex was on probation and had to take random drug tests. He was determined to stay clean and fix his life. He was very angry at me for what I had said to him, but in my eyes, I had not choice. This was MY time. He got to respect that whether he wanted to or not. He began taking the kids every other weekend and used that time to fix the pain he stirred up in them. My son was too young to remember, but my daughter deserved reassurance from her daddy that everything was okay and HE was okay. I believe he knew how important it was and I respect him for standing up, when he could barely hold himself up and being a great dad to his kids. This is him with the kids, the Easter after our divorce...
When my kids were at their grand-parents house with their dad for the weekend, I would usually go stay with one of my close friends who lived in the city. She showed me how to smile again. She gave me the courage to have fun again and laugh again. We had so much fun during those weekends. We danced, we drank and we played all weekend long. I was able to reconnect with her and other friends from high school. I was also able to make other great friends. It was a time I will never forget. I was able to find some peace with myself and I thank all the wonderful people who came into my life during this period for being a light to me.
I did not attend church during this period of my life and at this point it was okay. I had some things I deserved to go through and it included some very strong ah-ha moments, which will eventually lead me to the path I am on today. In my church, they appoint two women to visit teach the other women in their area. My visiting teachers came regularly and I listened to their messages and appreciated their efforts. They were great women and they spent a lot of time caring for me.
I dated during this time and I met a lot of great men and a lot more NOT so great men. I had men who lied to me and I had men who would take a bullet for me. I learned a lot from each one of them and I learned to trust again. It was nice to talk to a man again about life and issues in the world that did not pertain to drugs or lying or stealing. I really enjoyed these moments and I enjoyed finding myself again. It was EXTREMELY nice to smile and laugh again! I owe a huge THANK YOU to all my dear friends who were there for me during this time. They were a great blessing in my life and I feel so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I know I said about the same thing a minute ago, but it seems important to mention it again. They were my light! These are my angel friends (I'm in the middle)...
I spent the next year after my divorce pulling myself out of the dark hole I had been in. I spent a lot of time with my kids and they were lights in my life as well. My two sweeties! They are so precious to me and I know I was the lucky one when God chose them to be a part of my life. I know they were confused at first when their dad no longer could stay at our house any more, but I think they liked NOT having the contention and the fighting and the crying around.
I had my ups and downs that first year. I compared a lot of the men I dated to my ex-husband. Of course not the bad parts, but his good parts were really good and I had a hard time if a man did not have those good parts. When my ex was not strung out on drugs, he was a romantic and he treated me with the utmost respect. He treated his mom and dad and grand-parents respectfully. He would pull over whenever anyone needed a hand and he would give the shirt off his back to someone in more need. He was always thinking of others and that is why I had fell in love with him in the first place. He was generous, kind, tolerant and a gentleman. When he was not on drugs that was the person he was. That is why it was so hard to tell him no. He was so sweet and gentle and he could calm me down just by the touch of his hand on mine. So... these men were having a hard time measuring up to his standards. Why was I having such a hard time remembering the bad moments? It was annoying and I knew I needed more time. I decided not to date any one seriously and to just enjoy my kids, my friends and my family.
Sadly, my healing had never really began. I thought it did because I was happy again. However, I learned how wrong I was on the weekend of the 4th of July 2004. I’m not going to go into details, but I made a choice and it turned out VERY badly. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed with my decision. I felt so much sorrow it hurt down to my very soul. I did not know what to call it back then, but recently someone else described it perfectly. I was experiencing Godly sorrow. I was so regretful for my actions that I felt it in every fiber of my being. I cried for days on end and I prayed non-stop for forgiveness and comfort. On that day, the 4th of July I called the bishop of my church (I had only met him once before) and asked if I could speak to him. He told me I could come in that evening. He was the kindest man and he made me feel comfortable and protected as I poured my sins and regrets out on his table. I never wanted to feel the way I did that day, again. It was truly the strongest sorrow I have ever felt. He told me, he was there to lift those burdens for me and hold onto them while I went through the repentance process. I don’t know what it was, but when he told me that I felt so much peace and comfort. I was still feeling the sorrow, but I knew right then everything would work out for the better. I had to remember who I was. Why had I forgotten? Why had I allowed all those years of my ex breaking me down to dim the light inside of me. I knew who I was! I knew the worth of my spirit! Why had I allowed myself to forget? Knowing what I had done to myself brought on more sorrow, but it was good. It allowed God back into my life. This sorrow allowed me to be humble again.
I am a stronger person for my life experiences. My ex-husband lowered his light so I could learn a valuable lesson and I am thankful for that. He was a great man, regardless of his bad choices. I know there are so many people out there that think drug addicts are horrible people, but they mostly aren’t. They are dads, brothers, sons, uncles, grandsons, etc. and someone out there loves them. I know my ex’s parents taught him great values and morals and his choices did not come from anything his parents did. Unfortunately he got mixed up with the wrong people and he could not save himself. He was a man who loved many and hurt many... The day he died was hard for a lot of people including myself. My kids were heart broken and his mom was horribly pained. I will never forget her face or my kids faces that day I drove up to his parents house. He could not save himself, at least not down here. My ex died on August 21, 2005. He died from an overdose of an 8-ball. He had been clean for two years and all it took was one time doing the same amount of drugs he had done 2 years before and it killed him. It was the call I dreaded for the last three years of our marriage and I got it when I least expected it. My ex loved my kids so much. He loved being their dad and he loved being a part of their lives despite the choices he had made. I knew when he died my kids would most likely never feel the fatherly love they had felt from their dad again. It broke my heart to see them miss him so much and cry every single night and day. It was a pain I could not fix, it was a pain I could not make go away, I had to let time heal their wounds. I got to be their rock, just like my mom and dad were mine.
So... here is to all those families who love an addict... here is to all the women and men who stand up to the abusers in their lives... here is to all the people who have lost someone because of bad choices... here is to all the people who had someone lower their light so they could learn a valuable lesson in their lives... and here is to all the people who light the lives of others so they can see the righteous path...
Thank you for reading my story. I have many more to write and I hope you all continue to check back often to see what is being talked about. This part of my story was a bit serious, but I promise they will not all be this way. I love to write and I have so many things to share with others. So, until next time! Love and light to all of you!
When my kids were at their grand-parents house with their dad for the weekend, I would usually go stay with one of my close friends who lived in the city. She showed me how to smile again. She gave me the courage to have fun again and laugh again. We had so much fun during those weekends. We danced, we drank and we played all weekend long. I was able to reconnect with her and other friends from high school. I was also able to make other great friends. It was a time I will never forget. I was able to find some peace with myself and I thank all the wonderful people who came into my life during this period for being a light to me.
I did not attend church during this period of my life and at this point it was okay. I had some things I deserved to go through and it included some very strong ah-ha moments, which will eventually lead me to the path I am on today. In my church, they appoint two women to visit teach the other women in their area. My visiting teachers came regularly and I listened to their messages and appreciated their efforts. They were great women and they spent a lot of time caring for me.
I dated during this time and I met a lot of great men and a lot more NOT so great men. I had men who lied to me and I had men who would take a bullet for me. I learned a lot from each one of them and I learned to trust again. It was nice to talk to a man again about life and issues in the world that did not pertain to drugs or lying or stealing. I really enjoyed these moments and I enjoyed finding myself again. It was EXTREMELY nice to smile and laugh again! I owe a huge THANK YOU to all my dear friends who were there for me during this time. They were a great blessing in my life and I feel so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I know I said about the same thing a minute ago, but it seems important to mention it again. They were my light! These are my angel friends (I'm in the middle)...
I spent the next year after my divorce pulling myself out of the dark hole I had been in. I spent a lot of time with my kids and they were lights in my life as well. My two sweeties! They are so precious to me and I know I was the lucky one when God chose them to be a part of my life. I know they were confused at first when their dad no longer could stay at our house any more, but I think they liked NOT having the contention and the fighting and the crying around.
I had my ups and downs that first year. I compared a lot of the men I dated to my ex-husband. Of course not the bad parts, but his good parts were really good and I had a hard time if a man did not have those good parts. When my ex was not strung out on drugs, he was a romantic and he treated me with the utmost respect. He treated his mom and dad and grand-parents respectfully. He would pull over whenever anyone needed a hand and he would give the shirt off his back to someone in more need. He was always thinking of others and that is why I had fell in love with him in the first place. He was generous, kind, tolerant and a gentleman. When he was not on drugs that was the person he was. That is why it was so hard to tell him no. He was so sweet and gentle and he could calm me down just by the touch of his hand on mine. So... these men were having a hard time measuring up to his standards. Why was I having such a hard time remembering the bad moments? It was annoying and I knew I needed more time. I decided not to date any one seriously and to just enjoy my kids, my friends and my family.
Sadly, my healing had never really began. I thought it did because I was happy again. However, I learned how wrong I was on the weekend of the 4th of July 2004. I’m not going to go into details, but I made a choice and it turned out VERY badly. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed with my decision. I felt so much sorrow it hurt down to my very soul. I did not know what to call it back then, but recently someone else described it perfectly. I was experiencing Godly sorrow. I was so regretful for my actions that I felt it in every fiber of my being. I cried for days on end and I prayed non-stop for forgiveness and comfort. On that day, the 4th of July I called the bishop of my church (I had only met him once before) and asked if I could speak to him. He told me I could come in that evening. He was the kindest man and he made me feel comfortable and protected as I poured my sins and regrets out on his table. I never wanted to feel the way I did that day, again. It was truly the strongest sorrow I have ever felt. He told me, he was there to lift those burdens for me and hold onto them while I went through the repentance process. I don’t know what it was, but when he told me that I felt so much peace and comfort. I was still feeling the sorrow, but I knew right then everything would work out for the better. I had to remember who I was. Why had I forgotten? Why had I allowed all those years of my ex breaking me down to dim the light inside of me. I knew who I was! I knew the worth of my spirit! Why had I allowed myself to forget? Knowing what I had done to myself brought on more sorrow, but it was good. It allowed God back into my life. This sorrow allowed me to be humble again.
I am a stronger person for my life experiences. My ex-husband lowered his light so I could learn a valuable lesson and I am thankful for that. He was a great man, regardless of his bad choices. I know there are so many people out there that think drug addicts are horrible people, but they mostly aren’t. They are dads, brothers, sons, uncles, grandsons, etc. and someone out there loves them. I know my ex’s parents taught him great values and morals and his choices did not come from anything his parents did. Unfortunately he got mixed up with the wrong people and he could not save himself. He was a man who loved many and hurt many... The day he died was hard for a lot of people including myself. My kids were heart broken and his mom was horribly pained. I will never forget her face or my kids faces that day I drove up to his parents house. He could not save himself, at least not down here. My ex died on August 21, 2005. He died from an overdose of an 8-ball. He had been clean for two years and all it took was one time doing the same amount of drugs he had done 2 years before and it killed him. It was the call I dreaded for the last three years of our marriage and I got it when I least expected it. My ex loved my kids so much. He loved being their dad and he loved being a part of their lives despite the choices he had made. I knew when he died my kids would most likely never feel the fatherly love they had felt from their dad again. It broke my heart to see them miss him so much and cry every single night and day. It was a pain I could not fix, it was a pain I could not make go away, I had to let time heal their wounds. I got to be their rock, just like my mom and dad were mine.
So... here is to all those families who love an addict... here is to all the women and men who stand up to the abusers in their lives... here is to all the people who have lost someone because of bad choices... here is to all the people who had someone lower their light so they could learn a valuable lesson in their lives... and here is to all the people who light the lives of others so they can see the righteous path...
Thank you for reading my story. I have many more to write and I hope you all continue to check back often to see what is being talked about. This part of my story was a bit serious, but I promise they will not all be this way. I love to write and I have so many things to share with others. So, until next time! Love and light to all of you!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Becoming free from an Addict
Living With An Addict - Part 1
Living With An Addict - Part 2
Living With An Addict - Part 3
Along with picking up items from my house and speaking to the landlord, I had many other things to do in order to protect myself, my kids and our future.
I was extremely overwhelmed with the amount of stuff needed to be taken care of and I had a melt down.
I called my mom from the side of the road, crying my eyes out . She calmed me down and asked me to tell her everything that needed to be done today. I gave her the list and afterwards she asked me where I was. I told her and she then gave me two things to get done. She told me after I was done with those two things I was to call her back and she would tell me the next two things to do.
It was amazing.
She put things in order of importance and location and by the end of the day I was complete. I KNOW I would have not made it through that day without my moms assistance.
I was lucky. I had a support group. I know there are many people out there who do not have a support group. They do not have someone who will be there in a moments notice to haul away there things and get them to a safe place. But it is still possible. I know there are many safe havens out there, many places to turn to and people WILL believe you, even when YOU don’t believe yourself any more.
I left my ex-husband the week of Halloween 2002.
Halloween was a hard day for me... Thanksgiving was even harder. I will never forget that day. I went to his families huge Thanksgiving dinner which was held at a church... I don’t even think I ate.
I cried a lot.
By the way, he was not there. He refused to come. He thought everyone would judge him. It was heart wrenching for myself, for my kids and for his family. He was a good person. We all knew it. We all wanted back the man he was without the drugs.
It was a painful and sad day, but we got through it.
Christmas came next.
By then he was being more civil. I had found a place to move into a week after I had left him. It was a 3 bedroom duplex that had become my safe haven. It was my place to heal. He asked if he could stay the night on Christmas Eve. I let him... it was hard and he did sleep on the couch and I did let myself trust him again long enough to have him be a part of the kids Christmas morning.
In the morning we played roles... I pretended my heart was not breaking and he did everything he could not to cry. We played with the kids and helped them open their gifts. It was a magical morning with heart ache in the air.
He only stayed for a little while. I can’t remember if we went to his sisters for brunch or not, but I do know he left some time that day and did not come back.
We were both in a lot of pain. He was “trying” to get clean on his own and I was “trying” to not let my love for him get in the way of my need to heal. I can not explain the grief I felt that day, but it was overwhelming and unforgettable.
My ex did a lot of bad things when he was on drugs. He got thrown in jail for many things... one of the times he asked me to come pick him up after he served his time. I told him I would bring a paper to sign. If he did not agree to my terms, I would not pick him up. I gave the paper to the guard and he gave it to my ex to sign.
The agreement was... He would not ask to come back to my place. He would immediately go up to a detox center in the city and he would check himself in. After the 10 days of detox he would check himself into a rehab and he would get himself clean.
He would not ask to come home until I was ready.
He would not ask to come home at all. He would wait until I asked him.
He signed this agreement. We got in the car and I drove him to get his clothes and then we drove straight up to the detox center. I dropped him off and then I left.
He called me every day.
On the 9th day he called and said he had been released. I told him there was no way. I had set everything up. They had told me he had to be there 10 days in order to be detoxed. I called the center up and they confirmed my fears. He had come up dirty in a drug test and had been kicked out.
When he called again I told him I was done. I was not coming up there to pick him up and he was not coming back to my house.
He then called his mom and I know this was extremely hard for her to do, but she did the same thing. He was now on his own.
Some how he got rides down from the city and then called his grandma and she picked him up. She brought him a blanket and took him to the rehab center near the jail. She dropped him off and he checked in.
I was proud of him for taking the initiative and finally realizing he had pushed us all too far. I agreed to go to some AA meetings down at the rehab. Everything seemed to be on the right track until about 12 days into it.
He called me up and told me his counselor wanted to speak to me. I drove down to the rehab and in his office the counselor and my ex bombarded me with all the reasons I should let him come home. They said he would still come to rehab but he would not “need” to stay there full-time.
I told him that was a bunch off BS. I knew him better than anyone and I knew he deserved to be in-house rehab. They continued to tell me how I was wrong and they were right and eventually they wore me down.
I was still weak. I had not found my strength or my voice and they used that to their advantage. I was NOT ready for him to come home. But I agreed anyway.
He came back to my place and the next 6 weeks were stressful, but very happy at the same time. He was my husband again, the man I had married, the man who had sworn his life to me.
For those 6 weeks I felt protected and happy again.
That’s why when it ended it was even that much harder on me. I came home from work one day and I knew before he even spoke... he had used. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I demanded he take a pee test (the rehab had given me a few). He refused at first, but eventually took it and raced into our bedroom. I noticed he had some clear liquid in it before he went into the bathroom. He would not let me see and when I looked away for a split second I saw him spill it onto the floor. I walked over to where he was standing and sure enough the floor was turning a yellow color (the carpet was green).
He had put bleach into it. I asked him to leave. I took his key from him before he left and that was it. I was back to square one. A little bit stronger, but still broken.
Life got crazy after that.
I never saw my ex. He would not come around. His parents did not see him either. He had become lost.
I cried every day and night. I was so worried about him. I did not want to get the call of him being dead.
My daugter caught me on quite a few occasions sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out. It was hard.
He had been seen with a girl from the rehab. Her name was Kimmy.
I hated her.
I hated him for being with her.
One time I decided to call his voicemail and listen to his messages. I had to know what was going on. Lo and behold, there was a message from her. The message was at 1 in the morning... She wanted to know where he was and she missed him and could not wait until he came back.
It was like a knife cut through my heart and then cut again and again and again. I cried all night long. I had lost him. There was no chance anymore.
The moment that ended everything happened in May 2003.
He broke into my house and left my side door barely hanging on the top hinge. He stole my $1000 camera. As soon as I drove into my carport and saw the door hanging open, I knew who had done it and what he had been after.
He already pawned off our bikes, our two lawn mowers, tools and various other things. I called him up and he said I would have to take care of it. I asked him to bring back the camera, but he told me he did not have it.
I called my dad and told him what happened. He came up to my house and was there with me when the police got there. They told me they could not do anything because we were still married. He had the RIGHT to break into my house because we were still married.
One of my neighbors nailed the door shut with some boards and the next day my dad paid for someone to come put in a steel door with a large peep hole. I can not thank my parents enough. They did not desert me when I needed them the most. They did not lecture me and they did not say anything bad about my ex. All they did was give me what I needed and made sure I was taken care of.
My ex had failed at taking care of us, so my parents took it upon themselves to be there as my rock.
He got arrested that night and his dad and I found his truck on the side of the road where he got arrested. We looked through it and I found the pawn shop receipt for my camera. We also found needles... it was hard to see that. His dad found some tools that he had been missing.
It was hard on both of us...
I filed for divorce.
During that time my ex had to go to court for credit card fraud. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and mandatory drug rehab afterwards.
During his jail time we got all the paper work done. When I went into our bank to have all the papers notarized the lady who knew both my husband and I, looked at me and said, It’s about time. They knew what he had been doing. They had many encounters with him and they had known a lot of what I had to put up with.
She was happy to sign those papers.
The day could not come fast enough.
I needed to be free.
I DESERVED to be free.
I did not want him to be my “problem” any more. I hate to say it that way, but that is exactly how I felt. I loved him so much, but he had worn me down and I deserved to heal without worrying about his life any more.
The day the divorce became final I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
It was over.
Now to go back to those six weeks where he was clean... my ex told me everything at that point. At least everything I could remember to ask him or he could remember to tell me.
He admitted to doing meth before we were even married. He said he had only done it a few times, but he had definitely been doing drugs even longer than I had thought.
He had started in his first marriage when his employer had gotten him to do Oxycontin with her. He was hooked and that was why they got a divorce and why he lost the rights to his two children.
He said he did do drugs a lot at our old house, but he had not started shooting up with heroin until later into the second year of our marriage.
He admitted to smoking the cocaine in our duplex and to doing meth inside the shed.
He also admitted to all the needles our landlord found buried in the yard.
He admitted to loosening a wire on our car so it would not start the day of our daughters dance concert. He did it because he did not want to go. He wanted to go get high instead.
He admitted to having drugs in his pocket the day he kicked me and the day I caught him in the shed.
He admitted to putting white out on my phone so I could not call him.
He told me I WAS NOT crazy and that I had been right all along.
While he was in jail, I asked him about Kimmy and he admitted to hanging out with her, but nothing else. He said he had been using her. To this day I do not believe him, but it does not matter any more. It is what it is and I have moved on with my life.
I wrote him a letter in jail that I probably should not have.
I told him that I did not want him to move back in with me. I told him I did not love him like a husband any more. I told him I was done completely. I told him I needed time away from him... a long time away from him. I told him he could not pressure me any more and that I need time to heal. I told him he needed to respect that time and if time did heal my wounds, maybe then we could talk about remarriage. I told him to not expect it for at least a year AFTER he got out of jail.
I said a lot in this letter and a lot of it was blunt and hurtful. I did not know any other way then to do it that way. Every time I sugar coated how I felt he was able to talk me back into doing things his way. I could not do that any more.
I had to let him go and he HAD to let me go.
When he read the letter, the jail had to put him on suicide watch. It killed me to find that out, but I had to tell him straight. It was my time to heal. He had already taken so much of my heart and soul...
I had nothing else to give him. His mom was very angry for what I did and I do not blame her. I would be very mad as well, but I hope she knows I did not do it to hurt him.
I did it to heal me.
So our marriage ended and my ex got out of jail early for good behavior and regardless of what I said in the letter he still attempted to get back into my life immediately.
I stood my ground and I lied through my teeth... I told him I did not love him any more.
At this point I had no other options. He would NOT stop. He was so self-absorbed he could not see that this was my time. I cried when he left that day, but it was one of the last times I cried over our marriage and life together.
I finally got my time to heal...
So... I have more to say. I will post one or two more posts on this long story!
I want everyone to know what kind of person he was when he was NOT on drugs. I want everyone to know what happened to my life. I want everyone to know how his life turned out.
Please come back soon to hear the next phase of our lives... apart. And if you get a chance become a follower.
Love and light to everyone!
Living With An Addict - Part 2
Living With An Addict - Part 3
Along with picking up items from my house and speaking to the landlord, I had many other things to do in order to protect myself, my kids and our future.
I was extremely overwhelmed with the amount of stuff needed to be taken care of and I had a melt down.
I called my mom from the side of the road, crying my eyes out . She calmed me down and asked me to tell her everything that needed to be done today. I gave her the list and afterwards she asked me where I was. I told her and she then gave me two things to get done. She told me after I was done with those two things I was to call her back and she would tell me the next two things to do.
It was amazing.
She put things in order of importance and location and by the end of the day I was complete. I KNOW I would have not made it through that day without my moms assistance.
I was lucky. I had a support group. I know there are many people out there who do not have a support group. They do not have someone who will be there in a moments notice to haul away there things and get them to a safe place. But it is still possible. I know there are many safe havens out there, many places to turn to and people WILL believe you, even when YOU don’t believe yourself any more.
I left my ex-husband the week of Halloween 2002.
Halloween was a hard day for me... Thanksgiving was even harder. I will never forget that day. I went to his families huge Thanksgiving dinner which was held at a church... I don’t even think I ate.
I cried a lot.
By the way, he was not there. He refused to come. He thought everyone would judge him. It was heart wrenching for myself, for my kids and for his family. He was a good person. We all knew it. We all wanted back the man he was without the drugs.
It was a painful and sad day, but we got through it.
Christmas came next.
By then he was being more civil. I had found a place to move into a week after I had left him. It was a 3 bedroom duplex that had become my safe haven. It was my place to heal. He asked if he could stay the night on Christmas Eve. I let him... it was hard and he did sleep on the couch and I did let myself trust him again long enough to have him be a part of the kids Christmas morning.
In the morning we played roles... I pretended my heart was not breaking and he did everything he could not to cry. We played with the kids and helped them open their gifts. It was a magical morning with heart ache in the air.
He only stayed for a little while. I can’t remember if we went to his sisters for brunch or not, but I do know he left some time that day and did not come back.
We were both in a lot of pain. He was “trying” to get clean on his own and I was “trying” to not let my love for him get in the way of my need to heal. I can not explain the grief I felt that day, but it was overwhelming and unforgettable.
My ex did a lot of bad things when he was on drugs. He got thrown in jail for many things... one of the times he asked me to come pick him up after he served his time. I told him I would bring a paper to sign. If he did not agree to my terms, I would not pick him up. I gave the paper to the guard and he gave it to my ex to sign.
The agreement was... He would not ask to come back to my place. He would immediately go up to a detox center in the city and he would check himself in. After the 10 days of detox he would check himself into a rehab and he would get himself clean.
He would not ask to come home until I was ready.
He would not ask to come home at all. He would wait until I asked him.
He signed this agreement. We got in the car and I drove him to get his clothes and then we drove straight up to the detox center. I dropped him off and then I left.
He called me every day.
On the 9th day he called and said he had been released. I told him there was no way. I had set everything up. They had told me he had to be there 10 days in order to be detoxed. I called the center up and they confirmed my fears. He had come up dirty in a drug test and had been kicked out.
When he called again I told him I was done. I was not coming up there to pick him up and he was not coming back to my house.
He then called his mom and I know this was extremely hard for her to do, but she did the same thing. He was now on his own.
Some how he got rides down from the city and then called his grandma and she picked him up. She brought him a blanket and took him to the rehab center near the jail. She dropped him off and he checked in.
I was proud of him for taking the initiative and finally realizing he had pushed us all too far. I agreed to go to some AA meetings down at the rehab. Everything seemed to be on the right track until about 12 days into it.
He called me up and told me his counselor wanted to speak to me. I drove down to the rehab and in his office the counselor and my ex bombarded me with all the reasons I should let him come home. They said he would still come to rehab but he would not “need” to stay there full-time.
I told him that was a bunch off BS. I knew him better than anyone and I knew he deserved to be in-house rehab. They continued to tell me how I was wrong and they were right and eventually they wore me down.
I was still weak. I had not found my strength or my voice and they used that to their advantage. I was NOT ready for him to come home. But I agreed anyway.
He came back to my place and the next 6 weeks were stressful, but very happy at the same time. He was my husband again, the man I had married, the man who had sworn his life to me.
For those 6 weeks I felt protected and happy again.
That’s why when it ended it was even that much harder on me. I came home from work one day and I knew before he even spoke... he had used. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I demanded he take a pee test (the rehab had given me a few). He refused at first, but eventually took it and raced into our bedroom. I noticed he had some clear liquid in it before he went into the bathroom. He would not let me see and when I looked away for a split second I saw him spill it onto the floor. I walked over to where he was standing and sure enough the floor was turning a yellow color (the carpet was green).
He had put bleach into it. I asked him to leave. I took his key from him before he left and that was it. I was back to square one. A little bit stronger, but still broken.
Life got crazy after that.
I never saw my ex. He would not come around. His parents did not see him either. He had become lost.
I cried every day and night. I was so worried about him. I did not want to get the call of him being dead.
My daugter caught me on quite a few occasions sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out. It was hard.
He had been seen with a girl from the rehab. Her name was Kimmy.
I hated her.
I hated him for being with her.
One time I decided to call his voicemail and listen to his messages. I had to know what was going on. Lo and behold, there was a message from her. The message was at 1 in the morning... She wanted to know where he was and she missed him and could not wait until he came back.
It was like a knife cut through my heart and then cut again and again and again. I cried all night long. I had lost him. There was no chance anymore.
The moment that ended everything happened in May 2003.
He broke into my house and left my side door barely hanging on the top hinge. He stole my $1000 camera. As soon as I drove into my carport and saw the door hanging open, I knew who had done it and what he had been after.
He already pawned off our bikes, our two lawn mowers, tools and various other things. I called him up and he said I would have to take care of it. I asked him to bring back the camera, but he told me he did not have it.
I called my dad and told him what happened. He came up to my house and was there with me when the police got there. They told me they could not do anything because we were still married. He had the RIGHT to break into my house because we were still married.
One of my neighbors nailed the door shut with some boards and the next day my dad paid for someone to come put in a steel door with a large peep hole. I can not thank my parents enough. They did not desert me when I needed them the most. They did not lecture me and they did not say anything bad about my ex. All they did was give me what I needed and made sure I was taken care of.
My ex had failed at taking care of us, so my parents took it upon themselves to be there as my rock.
He got arrested that night and his dad and I found his truck on the side of the road where he got arrested. We looked through it and I found the pawn shop receipt for my camera. We also found needles... it was hard to see that. His dad found some tools that he had been missing.
It was hard on both of us...
I filed for divorce.
During that time my ex had to go to court for credit card fraud. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and mandatory drug rehab afterwards.
During his jail time we got all the paper work done. When I went into our bank to have all the papers notarized the lady who knew both my husband and I, looked at me and said, It’s about time. They knew what he had been doing. They had many encounters with him and they had known a lot of what I had to put up with.
She was happy to sign those papers.
The day could not come fast enough.
I needed to be free.
I DESERVED to be free.
I did not want him to be my “problem” any more. I hate to say it that way, but that is exactly how I felt. I loved him so much, but he had worn me down and I deserved to heal without worrying about his life any more.
The day the divorce became final I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
It was over.
Now to go back to those six weeks where he was clean... my ex told me everything at that point. At least everything I could remember to ask him or he could remember to tell me.
He admitted to doing meth before we were even married. He said he had only done it a few times, but he had definitely been doing drugs even longer than I had thought.
He had started in his first marriage when his employer had gotten him to do Oxycontin with her. He was hooked and that was why they got a divorce and why he lost the rights to his two children.
He said he did do drugs a lot at our old house, but he had not started shooting up with heroin until later into the second year of our marriage.
He admitted to smoking the cocaine in our duplex and to doing meth inside the shed.
He also admitted to all the needles our landlord found buried in the yard.
He admitted to loosening a wire on our car so it would not start the day of our daughters dance concert. He did it because he did not want to go. He wanted to go get high instead.
He admitted to having drugs in his pocket the day he kicked me and the day I caught him in the shed.
He admitted to putting white out on my phone so I could not call him.
He told me I WAS NOT crazy and that I had been right all along.
While he was in jail, I asked him about Kimmy and he admitted to hanging out with her, but nothing else. He said he had been using her. To this day I do not believe him, but it does not matter any more. It is what it is and I have moved on with my life.
I wrote him a letter in jail that I probably should not have.
I told him that I did not want him to move back in with me. I told him I did not love him like a husband any more. I told him I was done completely. I told him I needed time away from him... a long time away from him. I told him he could not pressure me any more and that I need time to heal. I told him he needed to respect that time and if time did heal my wounds, maybe then we could talk about remarriage. I told him to not expect it for at least a year AFTER he got out of jail.
I said a lot in this letter and a lot of it was blunt and hurtful. I did not know any other way then to do it that way. Every time I sugar coated how I felt he was able to talk me back into doing things his way. I could not do that any more.
I had to let him go and he HAD to let me go.
When he read the letter, the jail had to put him on suicide watch. It killed me to find that out, but I had to tell him straight. It was my time to heal. He had already taken so much of my heart and soul...
I had nothing else to give him. His mom was very angry for what I did and I do not blame her. I would be very mad as well, but I hope she knows I did not do it to hurt him.
I did it to heal me.
So our marriage ended and my ex got out of jail early for good behavior and regardless of what I said in the letter he still attempted to get back into my life immediately.
I stood my ground and I lied through my teeth... I told him I did not love him any more.
At this point I had no other options. He would NOT stop. He was so self-absorbed he could not see that this was my time. I cried when he left that day, but it was one of the last times I cried over our marriage and life together.
I finally got my time to heal...
So... I have more to say. I will post one or two more posts on this long story!
I want everyone to know what kind of person he was when he was NOT on drugs. I want everyone to know what happened to my life. I want everyone to know how his life turned out.
Please come back soon to hear the next phase of our lives... apart. And if you get a chance become a follower.
Love and light to everyone!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Living with an Addict - Part 3
Living With An Addict - Part 1
Living With An Addict - Part 2
It was the Spring of 2002 we moved into the duplex.
It was nice to just be back on our feet again.
My ex-husband was working and the money was coming in regularly. In fact, he was making quite a bit of money. I figured we could get out of debt with all the collection agencies and pay back our family within the next couple of years.
We started to attend church again and it seemed my ex was pulling himself out of the grip of drugs. His friends were coming around when I was there and awake, instead of sneaking around. I thought that maybe he was finding the strength to part from his addiction.
Sadly it was all a facade. I believe he was trying hard, but I know it was not long after we moved he was using again or using often enough for me to notice his behavior changes. It was small changes again, but they progressed a lot quicker this time.
He began disappearing again and crashing heavily almost every Sunday. Some times I could not even wake him up.
I was at a lose. I had thought he was doing so well and I had been encouraging him with everything I could give him. I wanted him to beat this. It was killing me to see it start all over again.
I remember a couple of distinct incidents during this time...
We went on a date!
It was nice to get a babysitter and get out together. It felt like when we were dating. I remember we went out to eat to Red Robin and then went to see the new Star Wars movie. After we got home I paid the babysitter and went upstairs to take out my contacts and put on my glasses. I came back downstairs to find my ex-husband. The bathroom door was closed.
I did not think anything of it until I smelled a strange odor. It was not strong, but when I walked by the bathroom door the smell was more powerful.
I did not even knock... I already knew what was going on.
When I walked into the bathroom my ex-husband was sitting on the toilet seat with the cat in his lap and his other hand behind his back. There was smoke rising up behind him... I walked over to him and asked him to hand it to me.
He said he did not have anything. I asked him why there was smoke rising up behind him and there was a strange smell coming from the smoke. He claimed he had burned the cat. I looked at the cat who was just sitting on the ground at this time. He was fine.
I asked my ex why the smoke was coming up from behind him and not from the cat. He called me crazy and told me I did not know what I was talking about. During his rant I started to get sick from the smoke and I had to get out of there.
I moved out of the bathroom and after I walked out, my ex shut the door. I did see what looked like a small cigar, but I never got a good look at it.
I grabbed the cat and looked all over her. There were no burn marks, no scars, nothing. She seemed a little agitated, but I figure it was for the same reason I felt strange. We had both inhaled whatever he had been smoking.
A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom. I told him to leave. He argued with me and said I was crazy and that I should feel stupid for throwing him out just because he burned the cat.
He left after he said a few more very hurtful things.
The next day he came back. He continued to call me crazy. I asked him to show me on the cat where he had burned her. He grabbed the cat and moved her all around, actually searching for this so called burn mark.
He threw me a hateful glare and said I had fixed the burn mark to make it look as if she had not been burned. I could not believe it.
Why would I do such a thing? I wanted it to be true. I wanted this bad dream to disappear. Why would I want to set him up? But that was his story and he was sticking to it. He told his parents the same thing. I’m not sure if they believed him, but really it did not matter.
I was still alone and he knew it. He knew if he broke me down enough I would give in and let him come home. Which I did.
My daughter had her first dance concert up in the city at the end of spring time. We got all ready to go. My dad was driving up to attend it and was meeting us at our house.
My ex came into the house and told me the car would not start. He said he had tried everything and he could not figure it out. My dad pulled up and looked at it as well. He could not find the problem either. I did not want to bother my dad by putting all the car seats in his car, so I told him not to worry about it.
I was devastated, but my daughter was okay with it. She was only three at the time and she did not seem to care. I let it go.
Later I found out what had really happened.
We wanted to go to counseling. I had finally told my parents what was going on. However, I only told them the bare minimum. They supported us in getting help.
On the first day I came home from work early to find my ex’s truck in the driveway, but I could not find him. I looked all over the house, but he was no where to be found. We had a small shed in the back yard, so I got the key and went to look inside.
I already knew he was in there. He held the door shut. I kept asking him what was going on, but he would not say anything to me. It was as if he really thought I would believe he was not in there even though he pulled the door shut on me.
I called my dad and asked him what to do. He told me to call the police. So I did.
After I called them, he came out of the shed and told me I was crazy, again.
A great start to counseling.
He had something bulging in his pocket and I could tell he was high. He would not let me see what was in there and told me to get lost. I went into the house and he followed me a few minutes later. The police arrived not long after that. I told them everything that had been happening and he told them I was out of my mind.
They asked us how long we had been married and I told them four years. They looked straight at my ex and said, I think she knows you well enough to know if you are doing drugs.
I wanted to cry.
Someone believed me.
I was beginning to think I really was crazy. I heard him call me crazy so many times in the last couple of years that I was literally wondering if he was right. The police asked if I had any evidence. I said it had been in his pocket, but now it was gone. They told me they could not do anything but recommended we head to our counseling meeting and get this mess fixed.
They left and so did we, in separate cars. The counseling meeting did not go well.
We moved into the duplex next door to us about 3 months after we had moved to this neighborhood. It was slightly larger, with 3 bedrooms and a bigger master bedroom. The family room and kitchen were larger as well.
I was happy to move to something bigger.
We got most of the stuff moved over in one day. I fell asleep that night while my ex was downstairs with his friends. I woke up to complete silence. When I walked downstairs I found it deserted. I went outside to look for my ex and could not see him. His truck was not there but I knew his friend had asked to borrow it. I was afraid he had gotten locked outside and had gone back to the other duplex.
Before I went over there I tried to call him from my cell phone. It would not turn on. I plugged it into charge and it still would not turn on. I was starting to panic.
What was going on? It really felt like a bad dream.
I walked over to the other duplex and went inside to use the landline. He would not answer his cell phone and he was not in the house. I walked around the yard and could not find him. I even looked inside the shed. He was no where to be found.
He had left again.
I went back into the new duplex and began pulling my phone apart. I happened to notice a white spot on the battery where the connectors were. I started scrapping at it and it came right off. I looked up on the counter and noticed a bottle of white out. He had put white out on the connectors so I could not call him.
I was devastated.
It was as if he hated me or at least the drugged up version of him did. My heart was breaking. I really felt so broken at that moment. It was a feeling I had become so familiar with over the past three years and it was heart wrenching.
It did not matter. He would come home and expect me to forgive him and life would continue on. He would call me crazy and I would believe him and he would get to continue on his destructive path.
He had worn me down and I felt it. I felt it through my entire being.
There were several other incidents over the next few months and one time was even very frightening to me. My ex came home and was behaving very strange. More strange then ever before.
It was during the day and my daughter immediately jumped in his arms. He looked like he was going to collapse. He sat down on the couch with my daughter on his lap. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to leave him alone. He kept closing his eyes and his head would fall to the side, then he would jerk it back up and look at me with these cold and almost unseeing eyes.
It was frightening.
I asked him again if he was okay.
He got jumpy and said he had to leave before “they” got to the house. I asked him who “they” was. He said something about the people who he had stolen the VCRs and stereos from. He was really in and out at this point. My daughter was even getting scared.
I told him he should go lay down. He got edgy again and said he had to leave because “they” were coming after him. I don’t think he knew who he was talking to. I finally told him he was scaring his daughter and that he needed to go lay down. He looked at her, like he was seeing her for the first time. He stood up with her in his arms and walked upstairs (with me right behind him).
When he got to the bed he handed her to me and then laid down and was instantly asleep. He did not remember a thing when he woke up... Or so he said.
He never had hurt me. Until the day I surprised him. I came home one day, without the kids, and found him doing something in the bathroom. He was caught off guard and quickly slipped something bulky in his pocket. I followed him up to our bedroom. We were yelling at each other and I wanted to know what was in his pocket. He would not let me near it. He said he was tired and he wanted me to leave him alone. He laid on the bed and I leaned over him and attempted to pull whatever was in his pocket out of it.
This is when he kicked me in the stomach, hard.
I flew backwards and hit the wall behind me. I remember not being able to breath and I remember he was next to me before I hit the ground. He grabbed me. He was crying and saying sorry over and over and over again.
I pushed him away because I was trying to get a breath in. He thought I was being rude and got mad. He got mad at ME. I remember sitting on the ground gasping for that breath that finally came and looking at him with disbelief.
He had not only hurt me, he was getting mad at ME. I could not understand his mind. It was hopeless.
The man I loved was gone.
Many other things happened during this period, but if I wrote them all down you would be reading forever!
The turning point to this situation happened one night when his drug friends called me and said they were worried about him. They said he was out of control and doing stupid and crazy things. They wanted me to help him.
I could not help him any more. I was done. I was broken.
I called my parents up after wards. My dad said they would be up there with my brothers and some trucks and they would move us immediately. I called a friend as well. She came as well with her truck.
I got boxes and garbage sacks and I packed as fast as I could. We fit what we could fit into three trucks and my car and we left.
It was over. I could not do it any more. My kids were too important to me to let this garbage into their lives any more. They deserved stability and a mom who did not cry every single day. I moved everything into my parents that night. I left my ex a note and told him I would be back for the rest over the next few days.
I spoke to my land lord the next day... he lived across the street and had been suspecting something was going on for the last couple of months. He said it is not normal for someone to be outside in the middle of the night, pulling apart cars. He said he had watched my ex many times playing around with his truck in the middle of the night. He said he looked looney and strung up on something. He was never sure so he had never said anything, but after I told him I was moving out he knew that was the reason.
He also told me when I would leave for work in the morning, as soon as I pulled out of the cul-de-sac, two or three cars would pull into my driveway. He said there was always strange people hanging around when I was not there. He also said he had dug up a few needles from the yard of the old duplex.
He was putting everything together and I did not even have to say a word about my ex’s addictions.
My ex was not doing well the next day. He was very upset I had left with the kids. But he was also very strung out.
I picked up a lot of stuff that day and took it to my parents. My life with my ex-husband was not quite over at this time, but I was away from him now. I was no longer living with an addict.
I had a lot to do to protect myself and fix myself, but if you would like to hear the next part of my journey you will have to stay tuned. I will also post my ex-husbands confessions. Yes, he did eventually come clean with everything. It might be a few days before I get it all down and I might have to do it in two or three parts.
Thanks for reading this and please make sure you share with others. I am hoping my story will be there to encourage others to stand up for themselves despite how broken and lost they feel. It can be done.
Until next time... Peace and light!
Living With An Addict - Part 2
It was the Spring of 2002 we moved into the duplex.
It was nice to just be back on our feet again.
My ex-husband was working and the money was coming in regularly. In fact, he was making quite a bit of money. I figured we could get out of debt with all the collection agencies and pay back our family within the next couple of years.
We started to attend church again and it seemed my ex was pulling himself out of the grip of drugs. His friends were coming around when I was there and awake, instead of sneaking around. I thought that maybe he was finding the strength to part from his addiction.
Sadly it was all a facade. I believe he was trying hard, but I know it was not long after we moved he was using again or using often enough for me to notice his behavior changes. It was small changes again, but they progressed a lot quicker this time.
He began disappearing again and crashing heavily almost every Sunday. Some times I could not even wake him up.
I was at a lose. I had thought he was doing so well and I had been encouraging him with everything I could give him. I wanted him to beat this. It was killing me to see it start all over again.
I remember a couple of distinct incidents during this time...
We went on a date!
It was nice to get a babysitter and get out together. It felt like when we were dating. I remember we went out to eat to Red Robin and then went to see the new Star Wars movie. After we got home I paid the babysitter and went upstairs to take out my contacts and put on my glasses. I came back downstairs to find my ex-husband. The bathroom door was closed.
I did not think anything of it until I smelled a strange odor. It was not strong, but when I walked by the bathroom door the smell was more powerful.
I did not even knock... I already knew what was going on.
When I walked into the bathroom my ex-husband was sitting on the toilet seat with the cat in his lap and his other hand behind his back. There was smoke rising up behind him... I walked over to him and asked him to hand it to me.
He said he did not have anything. I asked him why there was smoke rising up behind him and there was a strange smell coming from the smoke. He claimed he had burned the cat. I looked at the cat who was just sitting on the ground at this time. He was fine.
I asked my ex why the smoke was coming up from behind him and not from the cat. He called me crazy and told me I did not know what I was talking about. During his rant I started to get sick from the smoke and I had to get out of there.
I moved out of the bathroom and after I walked out, my ex shut the door. I did see what looked like a small cigar, but I never got a good look at it.
I grabbed the cat and looked all over her. There were no burn marks, no scars, nothing. She seemed a little agitated, but I figure it was for the same reason I felt strange. We had both inhaled whatever he had been smoking.
A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom. I told him to leave. He argued with me and said I was crazy and that I should feel stupid for throwing him out just because he burned the cat.
He left after he said a few more very hurtful things.
The next day he came back. He continued to call me crazy. I asked him to show me on the cat where he had burned her. He grabbed the cat and moved her all around, actually searching for this so called burn mark.
He threw me a hateful glare and said I had fixed the burn mark to make it look as if she had not been burned. I could not believe it.
Why would I do such a thing? I wanted it to be true. I wanted this bad dream to disappear. Why would I want to set him up? But that was his story and he was sticking to it. He told his parents the same thing. I’m not sure if they believed him, but really it did not matter.
I was still alone and he knew it. He knew if he broke me down enough I would give in and let him come home. Which I did.
My daughter had her first dance concert up in the city at the end of spring time. We got all ready to go. My dad was driving up to attend it and was meeting us at our house.
My ex came into the house and told me the car would not start. He said he had tried everything and he could not figure it out. My dad pulled up and looked at it as well. He could not find the problem either. I did not want to bother my dad by putting all the car seats in his car, so I told him not to worry about it.
I was devastated, but my daughter was okay with it. She was only three at the time and she did not seem to care. I let it go.
Later I found out what had really happened.
We wanted to go to counseling. I had finally told my parents what was going on. However, I only told them the bare minimum. They supported us in getting help.
On the first day I came home from work early to find my ex’s truck in the driveway, but I could not find him. I looked all over the house, but he was no where to be found. We had a small shed in the back yard, so I got the key and went to look inside.
I already knew he was in there. He held the door shut. I kept asking him what was going on, but he would not say anything to me. It was as if he really thought I would believe he was not in there even though he pulled the door shut on me.
I called my dad and asked him what to do. He told me to call the police. So I did.
After I called them, he came out of the shed and told me I was crazy, again.
A great start to counseling.
He had something bulging in his pocket and I could tell he was high. He would not let me see what was in there and told me to get lost. I went into the house and he followed me a few minutes later. The police arrived not long after that. I told them everything that had been happening and he told them I was out of my mind.
They asked us how long we had been married and I told them four years. They looked straight at my ex and said, I think she knows you well enough to know if you are doing drugs.
I wanted to cry.
Someone believed me.
I was beginning to think I really was crazy. I heard him call me crazy so many times in the last couple of years that I was literally wondering if he was right. The police asked if I had any evidence. I said it had been in his pocket, but now it was gone. They told me they could not do anything but recommended we head to our counseling meeting and get this mess fixed.
They left and so did we, in separate cars. The counseling meeting did not go well.
We moved into the duplex next door to us about 3 months after we had moved to this neighborhood. It was slightly larger, with 3 bedrooms and a bigger master bedroom. The family room and kitchen were larger as well.
I was happy to move to something bigger.
We got most of the stuff moved over in one day. I fell asleep that night while my ex was downstairs with his friends. I woke up to complete silence. When I walked downstairs I found it deserted. I went outside to look for my ex and could not see him. His truck was not there but I knew his friend had asked to borrow it. I was afraid he had gotten locked outside and had gone back to the other duplex.
Before I went over there I tried to call him from my cell phone. It would not turn on. I plugged it into charge and it still would not turn on. I was starting to panic.
What was going on? It really felt like a bad dream.
I walked over to the other duplex and went inside to use the landline. He would not answer his cell phone and he was not in the house. I walked around the yard and could not find him. I even looked inside the shed. He was no where to be found.
He had left again.
I went back into the new duplex and began pulling my phone apart. I happened to notice a white spot on the battery where the connectors were. I started scrapping at it and it came right off. I looked up on the counter and noticed a bottle of white out. He had put white out on the connectors so I could not call him.
I was devastated.
It was as if he hated me or at least the drugged up version of him did. My heart was breaking. I really felt so broken at that moment. It was a feeling I had become so familiar with over the past three years and it was heart wrenching.
It did not matter. He would come home and expect me to forgive him and life would continue on. He would call me crazy and I would believe him and he would get to continue on his destructive path.
He had worn me down and I felt it. I felt it through my entire being.
There were several other incidents over the next few months and one time was even very frightening to me. My ex came home and was behaving very strange. More strange then ever before.
It was during the day and my daughter immediately jumped in his arms. He looked like he was going to collapse. He sat down on the couch with my daughter on his lap. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to leave him alone. He kept closing his eyes and his head would fall to the side, then he would jerk it back up and look at me with these cold and almost unseeing eyes.
It was frightening.
I asked him again if he was okay.
He got jumpy and said he had to leave before “they” got to the house. I asked him who “they” was. He said something about the people who he had stolen the VCRs and stereos from. He was really in and out at this point. My daughter was even getting scared.
I told him he should go lay down. He got edgy again and said he had to leave because “they” were coming after him. I don’t think he knew who he was talking to. I finally told him he was scaring his daughter and that he needed to go lay down. He looked at her, like he was seeing her for the first time. He stood up with her in his arms and walked upstairs (with me right behind him).
When he got to the bed he handed her to me and then laid down and was instantly asleep. He did not remember a thing when he woke up... Or so he said.
He never had hurt me. Until the day I surprised him. I came home one day, without the kids, and found him doing something in the bathroom. He was caught off guard and quickly slipped something bulky in his pocket. I followed him up to our bedroom. We were yelling at each other and I wanted to know what was in his pocket. He would not let me near it. He said he was tired and he wanted me to leave him alone. He laid on the bed and I leaned over him and attempted to pull whatever was in his pocket out of it.
This is when he kicked me in the stomach, hard.
I flew backwards and hit the wall behind me. I remember not being able to breath and I remember he was next to me before I hit the ground. He grabbed me. He was crying and saying sorry over and over and over again.
I pushed him away because I was trying to get a breath in. He thought I was being rude and got mad. He got mad at ME. I remember sitting on the ground gasping for that breath that finally came and looking at him with disbelief.
He had not only hurt me, he was getting mad at ME. I could not understand his mind. It was hopeless.
The man I loved was gone.
Many other things happened during this period, but if I wrote them all down you would be reading forever!
The turning point to this situation happened one night when his drug friends called me and said they were worried about him. They said he was out of control and doing stupid and crazy things. They wanted me to help him.
I could not help him any more. I was done. I was broken.
I called my parents up after wards. My dad said they would be up there with my brothers and some trucks and they would move us immediately. I called a friend as well. She came as well with her truck.
I got boxes and garbage sacks and I packed as fast as I could. We fit what we could fit into three trucks and my car and we left.
It was over. I could not do it any more. My kids were too important to me to let this garbage into their lives any more. They deserved stability and a mom who did not cry every single day. I moved everything into my parents that night. I left my ex a note and told him I would be back for the rest over the next few days.
I spoke to my land lord the next day... he lived across the street and had been suspecting something was going on for the last couple of months. He said it is not normal for someone to be outside in the middle of the night, pulling apart cars. He said he had watched my ex many times playing around with his truck in the middle of the night. He said he looked looney and strung up on something. He was never sure so he had never said anything, but after I told him I was moving out he knew that was the reason.
He also told me when I would leave for work in the morning, as soon as I pulled out of the cul-de-sac, two or three cars would pull into my driveway. He said there was always strange people hanging around when I was not there. He also said he had dug up a few needles from the yard of the old duplex.
He was putting everything together and I did not even have to say a word about my ex’s addictions.
My ex was not doing well the next day. He was very upset I had left with the kids. But he was also very strung out.
I picked up a lot of stuff that day and took it to my parents. My life with my ex-husband was not quite over at this time, but I was away from him now. I was no longer living with an addict.
I had a lot to do to protect myself and fix myself, but if you would like to hear the next part of my journey you will have to stay tuned. I will also post my ex-husbands confessions. Yes, he did eventually come clean with everything. It might be a few days before I get it all down and I might have to do it in two or three parts.
Thanks for reading this and please make sure you share with others. I am hoping my story will be there to encourage others to stand up for themselves despite how broken and lost they feel. It can be done.
Until next time... Peace and light!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Living with an Addict - Part 2
Part 1 - Living With An Addict - Part 1
The really bad seems a bit overwhelming when I look back. So much happened over the next few years and some times it is hard to sort in my head. However, there were a few incidents during those years that stand out more than others.
My ex-husband borrowed a large amount of money from his parents to put into another business with two other men. These men lived in different parts of the United States... one lived in Florida and I believe the other lived in Georgia.
These two men knew of my ex through other business ventures and they came to him. They wanted him to be a part of their team in this new business. To tell you the truth I cannot even remember which business it was... he tried out so many during our marriage and it is hard to remember them all. I do know it was some MLM and they needed the cash so they could buy leads.
My ex was a con. It is sad but very true. I do not know how many people he swindled out of their money, but I am sure there were many.
Eventually his two partners figured this out and kicked him out.
This period of events happened during our second year of marriage. We also became pregnant with our son. Just when I thought life was looking up, it came crashing back down on us.
These two men would not pay his parents back and they were furious about that.
Who could blame his parents?
My ex made it seem like it was these two men's fault and they were the ones swindling him out of the money. I had enough of his lies so I called them up myself. Wow, were there stories completely different. He had conned many of their leads out of money and did not deliver on the products. They had to kick him off the team because it was bad for their image and bad for the company. They did not feel like they owed the money to his parents and I could see why.
He had made his bed and now he got to sleep in it.
I could see a horrible pattern and it was really turning into a bad dream.
He was a wonderful salesman but he used the money up instead of giving them the product. He needed the money for all the drugs. I really did not know how deep he was in with the drugs, but shortly after our sons birth I found out.
It was a time I do not like to talk about or even remember. I will not go into too much detail for the safety of everyone involved, but I will give you a brief overview.
My ex was attacked by someone with a bat at a gas station while he was putting air in the car tires. He came home all banged up, but because he had seen the shadow of the guy behind him, he had moved just in the nick of time. If he had not they would have hit him in the head. He claimed they were trying to steal the car. I found out later they were going to kill him because of something he did...
I still do not know what the something was, but it must have been pretty big. It most likely was money or drugs. Is that not why most people kill other people these days?
The few days later, I called a friend from work...
This friend was so frightened as they told me the story of their last nights activities. This is where I will not go into too much detail.
To make it short... divine intervention was in play that night. The people who were wanting my ex dead were going to come kill him that night at our house. How my friend found this out is not important. What was important was that it was stopped because this person knew me.
They were going to come to my house... in fact they had been watching my house and they had been in my house. They had cut my telephone wires and they knew everything about us. They were the ones who had attacked him at the gas station.
I was sick... I had no idea what to do. I did not want to go back to my house... EVER!
I went to my mother-in-law immediately. She got me to calm down and she called my ex and had him come over. He told me my friend was crazy. I asked him how they knew the things they did including his attack at the gas station. He told lie after lie after lie. I knew I could not trust him. He had put my family and I in danger.
I wanted to tell my parents and leave him right then. He convinced me to stay. A great sales man. As many have told me, my ex could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. And I was scared, naive and not wanting my whole life to fall apart.
This all happened during our third year of marriage.
Another incident during our third year of marriage was the young woman who called me. She told me things about my ex that made me sick to stomach. Again. She said that he was a completely different person when he was not around me. She told me he stole from people and he did drugs right in my house and in my garage. She told me while I was sleeping up in the bedroom he was down in the garage doing drugs with all his buddies, including her. She said he had stolen her car and that was why she was calling me. She wanted her car back and she did not care if she threw him under the bus to get it.
What was I to say? I wanted to believe him. I wanted these things to stop happening. I wanted my life to be normal.
It was far from normal... I felt so hopeless and helpless. I had no where to turn.
His parents believed everything he said despite what I had told them.
I was scared to go to my parents, because I didn’t want my dad to go ballistic.
I could not talk to my friends.
The only one who had an idea of what was going on wanted nothing to do with it, out of fear.
I was alone and it was the most frightening moments of my life.
One more small but very vivid memory of that year was when my ex drugged me.
Yes, he drugged me.
He grilled steaks that night and with the seasoning he had crushed up a pill. I still do not know what it was, but it made me so sick and very sleepy. It was after I had our baby and after I had stopped breastfeeding, so at least he was conscious about that. But I had two babies in my house and I was not fit to watch them.
When I yelled at him for it, his excuse was he wanted me to relax and have a good nights sleep.
I felt so betrayed. It was one thing to do things to himself, but to drug ME... I was devastated and hurt. And above all I was angry. Maybe because of the adrenaline running through my body the drugs did not impact me as bad. I never passed out, which I am sure was very disappointing for him, but I did get sick and throw up. I also felt very light-headed and nauseated the rest of the night.
That house has very bad memories for me.
Nights of pacing the floor wondering if he was dead on the side of the road.
Nights of arguing and fighting and crying.
Nights of chasing him out of the house, begging him not to leave.
Days of watching him throwing up and passing out from coming off of the drugs.
And endless days and nights of feeling like my whole marriage was one big lie, filled with hopelessness.
Before our third anniversary we had to move away from our beautiful home. We had lost it to foreclosure. We could not pay ANY of our bills. Any money we did have had gone to drugs. We were broke and I was alone.
He was gone almost every night. If he was home he was either crashed on the bed or couch or he was in the garage tearing a part his engine because he swore it was making a strange noise. It is funny when you attempt to put back together an engine and there are parts left over. And yes this happened to him.
Guess what? We had to borrow money from MY parents so he could get a new engine for his truck because he could not figure out how to put it back together.
So... we moved away.
We found a rent to own home and were able to come up with the money to pay for the rent. I was working again and I was praying things would turn around so our family could survive.
I wanted my husband back. The man who swept me off my feet and made me feel protected and loved. He was gone, but at the same time he was still there. He would give me a taste of that man and then I would lose him again.
However, when we moved things seemed to change. I am not sure what it was, but life just calmed down. He was around more often and he was home almost every night. In fact my memories of that house were far more pleasant then the house before. I felt some what peaceful there and I felt like I had a part of my husband back again.
We lived there for six months and although there were a few incidents here and there, nothing as crazy as before. We made it through our third anniversary and about a third way into the year... then we had to move again.
And it got bad... no it got worse then ever.
We could not afford to live any where. We had to move in with family. I continued to work for my measly pay...
Just as a side note, FINISH COLLEGE EVEN IF YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND OR EVEN WIFE IS GOING TO SUPPORT YOU. Life throws curve balls and preparation is the best defense mechanism. I had not finished college and I could not get a great job. But the job I had was fulfilling and my kids were in day care for free. That saved us a WHOLE bunch of money.
We were not getting money from the state for day care, if you were wondering. My job provided free day care.
While we were living with family my ex began to disappear again. I think part of the reason was because he felt like he could not provide for his family so it depressed him which made him turn to drugs again.
He did a lot of stupid things. Things which I caught him doing. He was becoming very reckless and stupid. He could not keep a job and the good friends he had once had would not even speak to him. It was a bad turning point to our life together.
One time he told me he had to go to a convention for work. He claimed it was in a city about 3 hours away. He said he would only be gone a couple of days. I was just happy he was working some where. He took our car and was gone for only 2 days. When he got home, I found a San Diego phone book underneath the front seat. San Diego is 11 hours from us.
I confronted him. He said they went to San Diego instead, but he claimed it was for work, again. I knew he was lying. I knew he had gone to Mexico for drugs. I was wising up. I was doing my homework.
One day during this time, I caught my ex shooting up with heroin.
I was mortified. I saw him parked on the side of the road and it looked like he was just laying on the seat. I pulled over thinking something bad had happened. I opened the passenger door and there he was with a needle in his arm and a spoonful of heroin on the seat.
I think I called him a bunch of names that are not appropriate to mention, but I am not sure if he even remembers it. He barely opened his eyes long enough for me to slam the door and storm away.
I hated him at that moment. I could not believe I had married someone so weak, so deceitful and so self-centered. I did not allow him to come back home for quite awhile, but once again he wormed his way back into my life.
We eventually moved from our families home and moved into a duplex. It only had two bedrooms, but the second bedroom was large enough so the two kids could easily share. He had found a pretty good job and was finally making some what decent money again. His weird friends had started coming around again, but they were more helpful then before. I began to like them. I felt bad for all of them.
I knew HE was doing drugs. I knew he was messed up. I felt like I could save him. I was learning more and more about addicts and I wanted him to get better.
I wanted him to get help and I knew it was possible... From this point many things happened and I will post them in my third and final post on living with an addict.
To be continued...
Please share with others. You never know when someone else’s story will assist another. I am not sure if my story will do anything for anyone else, but one thing which made life easier for me was knowing I was not alone and that there were people out there who had made it through these issues in life.
I know my story so far is pretty depressing... but there is a point and a good ending for me. I would love to hear anyone else’s stories and I am also available to talk to anyone who might be going through a similar journey.
Peace and light to all!
The really bad seems a bit overwhelming when I look back. So much happened over the next few years and some times it is hard to sort in my head. However, there were a few incidents during those years that stand out more than others.
My ex-husband borrowed a large amount of money from his parents to put into another business with two other men. These men lived in different parts of the United States... one lived in Florida and I believe the other lived in Georgia.
These two men knew of my ex through other business ventures and they came to him. They wanted him to be a part of their team in this new business. To tell you the truth I cannot even remember which business it was... he tried out so many during our marriage and it is hard to remember them all. I do know it was some MLM and they needed the cash so they could buy leads.
My ex was a con. It is sad but very true. I do not know how many people he swindled out of their money, but I am sure there were many.
Eventually his two partners figured this out and kicked him out.
This period of events happened during our second year of marriage. We also became pregnant with our son. Just when I thought life was looking up, it came crashing back down on us.
These two men would not pay his parents back and they were furious about that.
Who could blame his parents?
My ex made it seem like it was these two men's fault and they were the ones swindling him out of the money. I had enough of his lies so I called them up myself. Wow, were there stories completely different. He had conned many of their leads out of money and did not deliver on the products. They had to kick him off the team because it was bad for their image and bad for the company. They did not feel like they owed the money to his parents and I could see why.
He had made his bed and now he got to sleep in it.
I could see a horrible pattern and it was really turning into a bad dream.
He was a wonderful salesman but he used the money up instead of giving them the product. He needed the money for all the drugs. I really did not know how deep he was in with the drugs, but shortly after our sons birth I found out.
It was a time I do not like to talk about or even remember. I will not go into too much detail for the safety of everyone involved, but I will give you a brief overview.
My ex was attacked by someone with a bat at a gas station while he was putting air in the car tires. He came home all banged up, but because he had seen the shadow of the guy behind him, he had moved just in the nick of time. If he had not they would have hit him in the head. He claimed they were trying to steal the car. I found out later they were going to kill him because of something he did...
I still do not know what the something was, but it must have been pretty big. It most likely was money or drugs. Is that not why most people kill other people these days?
The few days later, I called a friend from work...
This friend was so frightened as they told me the story of their last nights activities. This is where I will not go into too much detail.
To make it short... divine intervention was in play that night. The people who were wanting my ex dead were going to come kill him that night at our house. How my friend found this out is not important. What was important was that it was stopped because this person knew me.
They were going to come to my house... in fact they had been watching my house and they had been in my house. They had cut my telephone wires and they knew everything about us. They were the ones who had attacked him at the gas station.
I was sick... I had no idea what to do. I did not want to go back to my house... EVER!
I went to my mother-in-law immediately. She got me to calm down and she called my ex and had him come over. He told me my friend was crazy. I asked him how they knew the things they did including his attack at the gas station. He told lie after lie after lie. I knew I could not trust him. He had put my family and I in danger.
I wanted to tell my parents and leave him right then. He convinced me to stay. A great sales man. As many have told me, my ex could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. And I was scared, naive and not wanting my whole life to fall apart.
This all happened during our third year of marriage.
Another incident during our third year of marriage was the young woman who called me. She told me things about my ex that made me sick to stomach. Again. She said that he was a completely different person when he was not around me. She told me he stole from people and he did drugs right in my house and in my garage. She told me while I was sleeping up in the bedroom he was down in the garage doing drugs with all his buddies, including her. She said he had stolen her car and that was why she was calling me. She wanted her car back and she did not care if she threw him under the bus to get it.
What was I to say? I wanted to believe him. I wanted these things to stop happening. I wanted my life to be normal.
It was far from normal... I felt so hopeless and helpless. I had no where to turn.
His parents believed everything he said despite what I had told them.
I was scared to go to my parents, because I didn’t want my dad to go ballistic.
I could not talk to my friends.
The only one who had an idea of what was going on wanted nothing to do with it, out of fear.
I was alone and it was the most frightening moments of my life.
One more small but very vivid memory of that year was when my ex drugged me.
Yes, he drugged me.
He grilled steaks that night and with the seasoning he had crushed up a pill. I still do not know what it was, but it made me so sick and very sleepy. It was after I had our baby and after I had stopped breastfeeding, so at least he was conscious about that. But I had two babies in my house and I was not fit to watch them.
When I yelled at him for it, his excuse was he wanted me to relax and have a good nights sleep.
I felt so betrayed. It was one thing to do things to himself, but to drug ME... I was devastated and hurt. And above all I was angry. Maybe because of the adrenaline running through my body the drugs did not impact me as bad. I never passed out, which I am sure was very disappointing for him, but I did get sick and throw up. I also felt very light-headed and nauseated the rest of the night.
That house has very bad memories for me.
Nights of pacing the floor wondering if he was dead on the side of the road.
Nights of arguing and fighting and crying.
Nights of chasing him out of the house, begging him not to leave.
Days of watching him throwing up and passing out from coming off of the drugs.
And endless days and nights of feeling like my whole marriage was one big lie, filled with hopelessness.
Before our third anniversary we had to move away from our beautiful home. We had lost it to foreclosure. We could not pay ANY of our bills. Any money we did have had gone to drugs. We were broke and I was alone.
He was gone almost every night. If he was home he was either crashed on the bed or couch or he was in the garage tearing a part his engine because he swore it was making a strange noise. It is funny when you attempt to put back together an engine and there are parts left over. And yes this happened to him.
Guess what? We had to borrow money from MY parents so he could get a new engine for his truck because he could not figure out how to put it back together.
So... we moved away.
We found a rent to own home and were able to come up with the money to pay for the rent. I was working again and I was praying things would turn around so our family could survive.
I wanted my husband back. The man who swept me off my feet and made me feel protected and loved. He was gone, but at the same time he was still there. He would give me a taste of that man and then I would lose him again.
However, when we moved things seemed to change. I am not sure what it was, but life just calmed down. He was around more often and he was home almost every night. In fact my memories of that house were far more pleasant then the house before. I felt some what peaceful there and I felt like I had a part of my husband back again.
We lived there for six months and although there were a few incidents here and there, nothing as crazy as before. We made it through our third anniversary and about a third way into the year... then we had to move again.
And it got bad... no it got worse then ever.
We could not afford to live any where. We had to move in with family. I continued to work for my measly pay...
Just as a side note, FINISH COLLEGE EVEN IF YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND OR EVEN WIFE IS GOING TO SUPPORT YOU. Life throws curve balls and preparation is the best defense mechanism. I had not finished college and I could not get a great job. But the job I had was fulfilling and my kids were in day care for free. That saved us a WHOLE bunch of money.
We were not getting money from the state for day care, if you were wondering. My job provided free day care.
While we were living with family my ex began to disappear again. I think part of the reason was because he felt like he could not provide for his family so it depressed him which made him turn to drugs again.
He did a lot of stupid things. Things which I caught him doing. He was becoming very reckless and stupid. He could not keep a job and the good friends he had once had would not even speak to him. It was a bad turning point to our life together.
One time he told me he had to go to a convention for work. He claimed it was in a city about 3 hours away. He said he would only be gone a couple of days. I was just happy he was working some where. He took our car and was gone for only 2 days. When he got home, I found a San Diego phone book underneath the front seat. San Diego is 11 hours from us.
I confronted him. He said they went to San Diego instead, but he claimed it was for work, again. I knew he was lying. I knew he had gone to Mexico for drugs. I was wising up. I was doing my homework.
One day during this time, I caught my ex shooting up with heroin.
I was mortified. I saw him parked on the side of the road and it looked like he was just laying on the seat. I pulled over thinking something bad had happened. I opened the passenger door and there he was with a needle in his arm and a spoonful of heroin on the seat.
I think I called him a bunch of names that are not appropriate to mention, but I am not sure if he even remembers it. He barely opened his eyes long enough for me to slam the door and storm away.
I hated him at that moment. I could not believe I had married someone so weak, so deceitful and so self-centered. I did not allow him to come back home for quite awhile, but once again he wormed his way back into my life.
We eventually moved from our families home and moved into a duplex. It only had two bedrooms, but the second bedroom was large enough so the two kids could easily share. He had found a pretty good job and was finally making some what decent money again. His weird friends had started coming around again, but they were more helpful then before. I began to like them. I felt bad for all of them.
I knew HE was doing drugs. I knew he was messed up. I felt like I could save him. I was learning more and more about addicts and I wanted him to get better.
I wanted him to get help and I knew it was possible... From this point many things happened and I will post them in my third and final post on living with an addict.
To be continued...
Please share with others. You never know when someone else’s story will assist another. I am not sure if my story will do anything for anyone else, but one thing which made life easier for me was knowing I was not alone and that there were people out there who had made it through these issues in life.
I know my story so far is pretty depressing... but there is a point and a good ending for me. I would love to hear anyone else’s stories and I am also available to talk to anyone who might be going through a similar journey.
Peace and light to all!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Living With an Addict - Part 1
This is my story... a story that is in the past, but will forever be the reason I am the person I am today. I do not regret or want to change my life where it was at this time. It was scary and horrifying at times, but it made me a stronger person and for that I am grateful. .
Living With an Addict - Part 1
Waking up every night and finding your husband has disappeared again can feel awful.
I am not sure when this behavior began during our marriage, but I do know when it ended. It was a day from hell and it took a long time after that day to move on with my life.
My husband was addicted to illegal and legal drugs. He used Meth, Heroin, Cocaine, Oxycontin, Lora-tabs and to top it all off just for fun, Marijuana. I am sure he used other ones as well, but those are the only ones he admitted to or that I caught him with.
We got married in September 1998. I was only twenty-one and so VERY naive.
This was his second marriage.
He had two children with his first wife, but he did not see them any more. He had chosen to give up his rights to them. He gave me every song and dance about why he had done it and I believed him. It was not until later I found out the truth.
Our first year of marriage was easy. I was so in love and he made me feel protected. However, life with him began to get complicated and scary.
I remember one night a couple of months into our marriage when his behavior changed. He kept receiving phone calls from “some guy” he knew and I went to grab his phone to tell the “guy” to stop calling.
He freaked out. It was so unlike him. I was not scared, but I felt like something was very wrong at that moment. He did what he did best and smoothed it over with me. He was an excellent sales man and I being so naive fell for all his stories. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe there was something going on.
Some times I really think the latter was true.
One day during our first year of marriage, I noticed him placing something small up above the cupboards. It gave me chills when I saw it, so I waited until he was gone and I took a look at what he was hiding. It turned out to be cocaine. I did not know what it was when I first saw it, but I knew a friend who would know. She is the one who told me what it was. I was worried at that point. What to do? I was pregnant and only married for a short time. You would think everything would be going along so smoothly.
My blissful marriage was slowly turning into a lie.
I confronted him about the drugs. He had a story to tell me. Something about taking them from a friend and keeping them away from him. I knew it sounded fishy, but I chose to believe him.
These two incidents happened in the first 9 months of our marriage. He also started disappearing 1-2 times a week in the middle of the night. I am not sure how far into the marriage I began to notice his disappearances, but I do know they scared me.
He would always have an excuse... heard a noise outside and decided to follow it, a friend had a flat tire, he could not sleep so he took a walk, etc. etc. etc.
I listened to them all and not wanting to argue I let him feed me full of these lies. I wanted the perfect marriage and if by ignoring his faults would get me that, well... I was willing and ready. I mean, how bad could it really be.
Those crazy stories only happen in the movies, right?!?!?
Some time during the summer before our first anniversary we bought a house. I was so happy. It was 3400 square feet and all the room I felt I needed.
We had to come up with ten grand to get it... do you think we had that lying around? HAHAHA! Nope. Some how he was able to get it. He said he made extra big sales with his business. I believed him! I wanted that house so bad. I did not care how he got the money as long as I got my house.
I was so naive and blissfully stupid. The joke was on me, entirely.
After we got the house, life just blew up in my face.
We had given birth to a beautiful red headed girl, who was our pride and joy. We bought this fabulous house where she could grow up in and have security and happiness. Boy was I fooled. Life became an absolute mess!
He began disappearing 4-6 times a week during the middle of the night. When it first started getting this bad I would wake up scared and ticked off. I would storm downstairs to make sure he was really gone (which was 99% of the case) and I would then call him on his cell phone. Some times he would answer and once again feed me full of baloney and other times he would completely ignore me.
On top of all this, he began bringing around strange people. He claimed they were working with him, but I found that extremely odd when I would find them in our house in the middle of the night as well.
I cannot describe how worried, frightened and lost I felt. I did not tell anyone what was going on. I did not want anyone to think our marriage was a sham. I wanted the perfect marriage, but I was quickly losing the battle.
The first time I caught him with drugs was when he was smoking marijuana with one of these strange guys he worked with. I was over the top angry. I did not care it was only marijuana. It did not matter what drug it was. He was doing drugs on our property with a baby in the house. It made me sick to think about. What else was he lying to me about?
I felt like an idiot for believing his lies.
Just on a side note, my ex-husband was self-employed. He owned an online business where he built personal/business websites. He was really good at it and was an excellent sales man. He had a lot of great customers and I enjoyed being a part of it. His customers were always very nice to me, even after he conned them out of their money.
They called me when they found out their websites were not being constructed. I did not have an answer for them. I did not know he WAS NOT building them. I felt like someone had just pulled the rug out from underneath me.
We had USED their money.
We had taken our commission and then we had USED the rest to BUILD the websites.
Where was all this money? What was I supposed to do?
He never told the truth. I could not trust my own husband and I definitely could not trust all these strange folks who seemed to think they owned my house!
So, why did he need all these out of the ordinary people to work with him? Ding ding ding... they did not work with him. They did drugs with him and stole and conned with him.
It was all just one big lie.
Well, I don’t want to make this into a novel. I really just want to get my story out there. It was a bitter sweet experience and I am grateful I went through it. I am even more grateful I made it through it!
Life just got worse and worse. The marijuana was just the beginning. It quickly went really, really bad from there.
To be continued....
Living With an Addict - Part 1
Waking up every night and finding your husband has disappeared again can feel awful.
I am not sure when this behavior began during our marriage, but I do know when it ended. It was a day from hell and it took a long time after that day to move on with my life.
My husband was addicted to illegal and legal drugs. He used Meth, Heroin, Cocaine, Oxycontin, Lora-tabs and to top it all off just for fun, Marijuana. I am sure he used other ones as well, but those are the only ones he admitted to or that I caught him with.
We got married in September 1998. I was only twenty-one and so VERY naive.
This was his second marriage.
He had two children with his first wife, but he did not see them any more. He had chosen to give up his rights to them. He gave me every song and dance about why he had done it and I believed him. It was not until later I found out the truth.
Our first year of marriage was easy. I was so in love and he made me feel protected. However, life with him began to get complicated and scary.
I remember one night a couple of months into our marriage when his behavior changed. He kept receiving phone calls from “some guy” he knew and I went to grab his phone to tell the “guy” to stop calling.
He freaked out. It was so unlike him. I was not scared, but I felt like something was very wrong at that moment. He did what he did best and smoothed it over with me. He was an excellent sales man and I being so naive fell for all his stories. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe there was something going on.
Some times I really think the latter was true.
One day during our first year of marriage, I noticed him placing something small up above the cupboards. It gave me chills when I saw it, so I waited until he was gone and I took a look at what he was hiding. It turned out to be cocaine. I did not know what it was when I first saw it, but I knew a friend who would know. She is the one who told me what it was. I was worried at that point. What to do? I was pregnant and only married for a short time. You would think everything would be going along so smoothly.
My blissful marriage was slowly turning into a lie.
I confronted him about the drugs. He had a story to tell me. Something about taking them from a friend and keeping them away from him. I knew it sounded fishy, but I chose to believe him.
These two incidents happened in the first 9 months of our marriage. He also started disappearing 1-2 times a week in the middle of the night. I am not sure how far into the marriage I began to notice his disappearances, but I do know they scared me.
He would always have an excuse... heard a noise outside and decided to follow it, a friend had a flat tire, he could not sleep so he took a walk, etc. etc. etc.
I listened to them all and not wanting to argue I let him feed me full of these lies. I wanted the perfect marriage and if by ignoring his faults would get me that, well... I was willing and ready. I mean, how bad could it really be.
Those crazy stories only happen in the movies, right?!?!?
Some time during the summer before our first anniversary we bought a house. I was so happy. It was 3400 square feet and all the room I felt I needed.
We had to come up with ten grand to get it... do you think we had that lying around? HAHAHA! Nope. Some how he was able to get it. He said he made extra big sales with his business. I believed him! I wanted that house so bad. I did not care how he got the money as long as I got my house.
I was so naive and blissfully stupid. The joke was on me, entirely.
After we got the house, life just blew up in my face.
We had given birth to a beautiful red headed girl, who was our pride and joy. We bought this fabulous house where she could grow up in and have security and happiness. Boy was I fooled. Life became an absolute mess!
He began disappearing 4-6 times a week during the middle of the night. When it first started getting this bad I would wake up scared and ticked off. I would storm downstairs to make sure he was really gone (which was 99% of the case) and I would then call him on his cell phone. Some times he would answer and once again feed me full of baloney and other times he would completely ignore me.
On top of all this, he began bringing around strange people. He claimed they were working with him, but I found that extremely odd when I would find them in our house in the middle of the night as well.
I cannot describe how worried, frightened and lost I felt. I did not tell anyone what was going on. I did not want anyone to think our marriage was a sham. I wanted the perfect marriage, but I was quickly losing the battle.
The first time I caught him with drugs was when he was smoking marijuana with one of these strange guys he worked with. I was over the top angry. I did not care it was only marijuana. It did not matter what drug it was. He was doing drugs on our property with a baby in the house. It made me sick to think about. What else was he lying to me about?
I felt like an idiot for believing his lies.
Just on a side note, my ex-husband was self-employed. He owned an online business where he built personal/business websites. He was really good at it and was an excellent sales man. He had a lot of great customers and I enjoyed being a part of it. His customers were always very nice to me, even after he conned them out of their money.
They called me when they found out their websites were not being constructed. I did not have an answer for them. I did not know he WAS NOT building them. I felt like someone had just pulled the rug out from underneath me.
We had USED their money.
We had taken our commission and then we had USED the rest to BUILD the websites.
Where was all this money? What was I supposed to do?
He never told the truth. I could not trust my own husband and I definitely could not trust all these strange folks who seemed to think they owned my house!
So, why did he need all these out of the ordinary people to work with him? Ding ding ding... they did not work with him. They did drugs with him and stole and conned with him.
It was all just one big lie.
Well, I don’t want to make this into a novel. I really just want to get my story out there. It was a bitter sweet experience and I am grateful I went through it. I am even more grateful I made it through it!
Life just got worse and worse. The marijuana was just the beginning. It quickly went really, really bad from there.
To be continued....
Zesty Barbecue Chicken - Crock pot recipe
This is an easy recipe that I use when I'm in a hurry or I want to throw something easy together in the crock pot. My family loves it and the gravy left over is great to put on top of potatoes. I hope you all enjoy this!
5-8 frozen skinless, boneless chicken breasts
1 (12 oz) bottle of barbecue sauce (any flavor is good, I've tried most)
1/2 cup Italian salad dressing
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 TBL Worcestershire sauce
Place chicken in slow cooker. In a bowl mix together remainder of ingredients and then pour over the chicken. Cover and cook 3 - 4 hours on high or 6 - 8 hours on low. Save the gravy and use on potatoes. OPTION: Add diced onions to mixture and cook with the chicken. I also add more Worcestershire sauce because I love it.
Let me know how you like this meal! I love to hear feedback and different versions of this recipe. Also make sure you share this recipe from my blog with others!
5-8 frozen skinless, boneless chicken breasts
1 (12 oz) bottle of barbecue sauce (any flavor is good, I've tried most)
1/2 cup Italian salad dressing
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 TBL Worcestershire sauce
Place chicken in slow cooker. In a bowl mix together remainder of ingredients and then pour over the chicken. Cover and cook 3 - 4 hours on high or 6 - 8 hours on low. Save the gravy and use on potatoes. OPTION: Add diced onions to mixture and cook with the chicken. I also add more Worcestershire sauce because I love it.
Let me know how you like this meal! I love to hear feedback and different versions of this recipe. Also make sure you share this recipe from my blog with others!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Parenting... what's the right way to be?
Hahaha! If you thought I was going to have the answer to that question you have come to the wrong place! I am not the perfect parent, nor do I claim to have the answers on how to be a parent without mistakes. I'm really writing this in defense to the parents who are shunned and scolded because they DON'T do things the way others would have them do.
I have my shortcomings, one of them being impatient. Yes, I am impatient. I work on it every day. I count to ten, I bite my lip, I walk out of the room, I do everything I can think of to be more patient, especially to the ones I love. However, I am not as successful as I would like. God gave me children who test my patience EVERY SINGLE DAY! Some days I can give them a quiet response, other days I yell. Some days I count to ten when the kids are picking on each other and other days I tell them to go to their rooms with the frustrated yell of an impatient mom. I am not perfect when it comes to parenting. I work on it every day.
So... there are parents out there who DO think they are perfect parents. They believe they DO know what is best for their kids and for everyone elses kids. Those are the parents I would rather NEVER be around. I especially LOVE it when a brand new parent thinks they know everything about raising kids because they have had a kid for two minutes! Or the people who have never had kids and they say, "How dare they do that" when they see a parent scold or spank their child in public. Or when a parent walks right over a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store. Or when a parent decides they think a child leash is best for their wandering child. It amazes me how many JUDGEMENTS people spew out for everyone elses decisions for their own children. Don't get me wrong... everyone has the right to decide what they will or will not do with their kids, but who gives them to right to tell me or anyone else how we should raise ours.
I know not everyone is going to agree with me and that is okay. The world would be pretty boring if we all had the same opinions. So here is my complete opinion on raising children...
Parents should raise their children the best they know how. Use your instincts. I believe in intuition and I know parents have an ability to know what is best for their kids. Let kids be kids. Let them enjoy their innocence and allow them to freely express themselves. Be honest with them and teach them necessary steps of life when you feel it is time. When my daughter was nine she asked me about the birds and the bees. I told her... I didn't go into details, but I told her the basics. As she has gotten older I have filled in gaps that she has become more curious about. Don't let anyone tell you when they believe it is best for a kid to hear things like that. YOU decide and use YOUR best judgement. After all, they are your kids and your responsibility.
My mom burned my finger when I was about seven. She cried the whole time. And it was a lesson I will never forget. Do you know why she burned my finger? Because I had played with matches and I had nearly burned down the whole field across the street from our house. Did I ever play with matches again? No. Some times I think I have done my kids an injustice by NOT being as harsh to them as my parents were on me. I got spanked, slapped a few times, had my mouth washed out with soap, weeded the garden for hours on a Saturday instead of playing, and I got my finger burned. My time out was not sitting on a chair or the toilet, it was weeding the yard, cleaning out the garage, scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush or cleaning out the barn. My parents taught me that there were consequences for my actions. I didn't just get to sit and think about it, I got to work my tail off AND think about it! Imagine that! Giving children consequences. Maybe if we used consequences more kids these days would not feel so entitled.
My parents also rewarded me. Every time I read three chapter books my mom would take me out for ice cream! I LOVED it! And I gained a love for reading. Maybe I should take myself out for ice cream! HAHA! I got rewarded for good grades, I got rewarded for cleaning the house, etc. etc. etc. My parents were NOT perfect, but they did the best they could and for that I am grateful. I could be mad at them for their mistakes or I could realize we are all human and as long as my parents were not abusing me then how they raised me worked out just fine!
So here's the run down... Don't judge others (unless they are abusing and/or neglecting their kids, then by all means judge away), love your kids, let them be innocent, teach them there are consequences AND rewards, do not enable them by doing everything for them and teach them the value of hard work. I hope this is some good information for someone out there. I really just want others to know that it is okay, it is okay to be human and to know we are not perfect parents. Just do the best you know how to and don't worry about what others think or say. They aren't any better at it then you are and the ones that say they are, well... they live in a dream world.
Peace and light to all! Good night!
I have my shortcomings, one of them being impatient. Yes, I am impatient. I work on it every day. I count to ten, I bite my lip, I walk out of the room, I do everything I can think of to be more patient, especially to the ones I love. However, I am not as successful as I would like. God gave me children who test my patience EVERY SINGLE DAY! Some days I can give them a quiet response, other days I yell. Some days I count to ten when the kids are picking on each other and other days I tell them to go to their rooms with the frustrated yell of an impatient mom. I am not perfect when it comes to parenting. I work on it every day.
So... there are parents out there who DO think they are perfect parents. They believe they DO know what is best for their kids and for everyone elses kids. Those are the parents I would rather NEVER be around. I especially LOVE it when a brand new parent thinks they know everything about raising kids because they have had a kid for two minutes! Or the people who have never had kids and they say, "How dare they do that" when they see a parent scold or spank their child in public. Or when a parent walks right over a child throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store. Or when a parent decides they think a child leash is best for their wandering child. It amazes me how many JUDGEMENTS people spew out for everyone elses decisions for their own children. Don't get me wrong... everyone has the right to decide what they will or will not do with their kids, but who gives them to right to tell me or anyone else how we should raise ours.
I know not everyone is going to agree with me and that is okay. The world would be pretty boring if we all had the same opinions. So here is my complete opinion on raising children...
Parents should raise their children the best they know how. Use your instincts. I believe in intuition and I know parents have an ability to know what is best for their kids. Let kids be kids. Let them enjoy their innocence and allow them to freely express themselves. Be honest with them and teach them necessary steps of life when you feel it is time. When my daughter was nine she asked me about the birds and the bees. I told her... I didn't go into details, but I told her the basics. As she has gotten older I have filled in gaps that she has become more curious about. Don't let anyone tell you when they believe it is best for a kid to hear things like that. YOU decide and use YOUR best judgement. After all, they are your kids and your responsibility.
My mom burned my finger when I was about seven. She cried the whole time. And it was a lesson I will never forget. Do you know why she burned my finger? Because I had played with matches and I had nearly burned down the whole field across the street from our house. Did I ever play with matches again? No. Some times I think I have done my kids an injustice by NOT being as harsh to them as my parents were on me. I got spanked, slapped a few times, had my mouth washed out with soap, weeded the garden for hours on a Saturday instead of playing, and I got my finger burned. My time out was not sitting on a chair or the toilet, it was weeding the yard, cleaning out the garage, scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush or cleaning out the barn. My parents taught me that there were consequences for my actions. I didn't just get to sit and think about it, I got to work my tail off AND think about it! Imagine that! Giving children consequences. Maybe if we used consequences more kids these days would not feel so entitled.
My parents also rewarded me. Every time I read three chapter books my mom would take me out for ice cream! I LOVED it! And I gained a love for reading. Maybe I should take myself out for ice cream! HAHA! I got rewarded for good grades, I got rewarded for cleaning the house, etc. etc. etc. My parents were NOT perfect, but they did the best they could and for that I am grateful. I could be mad at them for their mistakes or I could realize we are all human and as long as my parents were not abusing me then how they raised me worked out just fine!
So here's the run down... Don't judge others (unless they are abusing and/or neglecting their kids, then by all means judge away), love your kids, let them be innocent, teach them there are consequences AND rewards, do not enable them by doing everything for them and teach them the value of hard work. I hope this is some good information for someone out there. I really just want others to know that it is okay, it is okay to be human and to know we are not perfect parents. Just do the best you know how to and don't worry about what others think or say. They aren't any better at it then you are and the ones that say they are, well... they live in a dream world.
Peace and light to all! Good night!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Shish Kabobs
This is one of my most favorite ways to grill shish kabobs. The marinade is made the night before and then the meats our marinated for the next 18 hours. It is so super delicious, you would have to eat them to understand!
Marinade:
1/3 c. soy sauce
3/4 c. salad oil
1/8 c. Worcestershire
1 tbsp. dry mustard
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. parsley
1 1/2 tsp. ground pepper
1 crushed garlic clove
1/4 c. lemon juice
Blend all ingredients together and put in bowl or jar.
2 1/2 lb. beef or chicken or both, cut in 2-inch squares
12 cherry tomatoes
12 mushrooms
12 sm. onions
2 green peppers, cut in 1-inch squares
12 bacon squares
2 zucchini, cut in slices
After meat is cut into pieces put in bowl with the marinade and put into the fridge. Let it marinade for at least a few hours, but preferably 12-18 hours. Put on skewers along with other ingredients. Grill for 15 minutes, rubbing marinade on both sides during the cooking process. Very delicious!
Marinade:
1/3 c. soy sauce
3/4 c. salad oil
1/8 c. Worcestershire
1 tbsp. dry mustard
2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. parsley
1 1/2 tsp. ground pepper
1 crushed garlic clove
1/4 c. lemon juice
Blend all ingredients together and put in bowl or jar.
2 1/2 lb. beef or chicken or both, cut in 2-inch squares
12 cherry tomatoes
12 mushrooms
12 sm. onions
2 green peppers, cut in 1-inch squares
12 bacon squares
2 zucchini, cut in slices
After meat is cut into pieces put in bowl with the marinade and put into the fridge. Let it marinade for at least a few hours, but preferably 12-18 hours. Put on skewers along with other ingredients. Grill for 15 minutes, rubbing marinade on both sides during the cooking process. Very delicious!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Yummy Red Potatoes recipe
My friend Syd gave me this recipe and it was a huge hit at my house even for my pickiest eater!
5 lbs red potatoes - cut into chunks
1 Tbs minced garlic
3 chicken bouillon cubes
8 oz cream cheese
8 oz sour cream
1/2 c. butter
Salt & pepper
Cook potatoes, garlic and bouillon in water until potatoes are tender. Drain, saving 2 cups of water.
Mash the potatoes with the cream cheese and sour cream. Add water if needed. Put in slow cooker for 3 hours. Stir in butter and salt and pepper. This is absolutely delicious, so give it a whirl and ENJOY!
5 lbs red potatoes - cut into chunks
1 Tbs minced garlic
3 chicken bouillon cubes
8 oz cream cheese
8 oz sour cream
1/2 c. butter
Salt & pepper
Cook potatoes, garlic and bouillon in water until potatoes are tender. Drain, saving 2 cups of water.
Mash the potatoes with the cream cheese and sour cream. Add water if needed. Put in slow cooker for 3 hours. Stir in butter and salt and pepper. This is absolutely delicious, so give it a whirl and ENJOY!
Chili Verde Soup
Now that the weather is getting cooler I have a fabulous soup recipe that can be done on the stove or in a crock pot! My friend Rebecca gave me this recipe a few months ago and my family LOVES it!
Chili Verde Soup
2 big cans of mild green La Victoria enchilada Sauce
2 c. water
2 cans or 2 cups of chicken broth (or use water and 4 chicken bouillon cubes)
2 cans rinsed/drained black beans
2 cans corn (drained)
1 bunch green onions, chopped
4 chicken breasts cubed (can boil chicken in the water first, then cube)
1/2 bunch cilantro chopped
sour cream
grated mozarella chees
tortilla strips (or Chili Cheese Fritos RECOMMENDED!)
Heat first section of ingredients together. Let flavors marinate at least 30 minutes. Then, serve with the following set of ingredients. Half the recipe if only making it for 3-4 people, unless you like leftovers.
I like to make this soup with homemade crescent rolls! Warm soup and warm rolls are perfect for fall time! ENJOY!
Chili Verde Soup
2 big cans of mild green La Victoria enchilada Sauce
2 c. water
2 cans or 2 cups of chicken broth (or use water and 4 chicken bouillon cubes)
2 cans rinsed/drained black beans
2 cans corn (drained)
1 bunch green onions, chopped
4 chicken breasts cubed (can boil chicken in the water first, then cube)
1/2 bunch cilantro chopped
sour cream
grated mozarella chees
tortilla strips (or Chili Cheese Fritos RECOMMENDED!)
Heat first section of ingredients together. Let flavors marinate at least 30 minutes. Then, serve with the following set of ingredients. Half the recipe if only making it for 3-4 people, unless you like leftovers.
I like to make this soup with homemade crescent rolls! Warm soup and warm rolls are perfect for fall time! ENJOY!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Connecting
Today was the anniversary of my mom’s death... I’m not really sure how I felt about it. I definitely cried, but I’ve cried almost every day since she died. Some days are better then others... I laughed as well! It was a pretty normal day actually, except I spent more time thinking about my mom then usual. I miss her a lot.. but I know she is with me. Some people ask how I know... well, I just know. It’s something more than science could ever explain. I feel her presence. Her spirit is here with me and she is with the rest of my family at the same time. It’s not my mind making it up, because I’m not thinking about it... I’m feeling it. Spirit to spirit, heart to heart. She is here with me always and although she has temporarily gone from my earthly sight, she is still here with me. She IS my guardian angel!
The day began pretty normal. Wake up, wake up the kids, make sure they get ready for school, feed the baby, begin working from home, hurry my kids out the door to school, go back to working, etc., etc., etc. However, today I did something I do not USUALLY do... I opened up my back door and enjoyed the sun rise from my deck. I have a beautiful view...
I should do it more often. Life is too fragile, too short and too special to NOT enjoy the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us. God gave these visual gifts to all his children and when I take notice of the beauty and serenity I feel peace and love directly from Him. He is mindful of me and He knows my heart. He knows I miss my mom and He knows I have the ability to feel her close every moment of my choosing. I am so grateful for my knowledge of God and of heaven. I could NOT imagine life without the possibility of being with my family after this single adventure of my existence.
My day continued on... the power at work got knocked out due to an accident on the street next to it. I was kicked off my computer for about 2-1/2 hours while they fixed. Shortly after this happened my 14 month old boy began to get “whiny”. He just wanted mom to hold him. I believe the power outage was meant to be. Maybe for many reasons, but for me I was needed by my baby and if I had been working I would have found some other means to entertain him while I finished my work. He had had a rough nights sleep... I believe he is teething but it could possibly be another ear infection. If he has another rough night, I will be taking him to the doctor tomorrow. Any ways, back to my day... This was at about 9 AM. I turned on Sesame Street (he LOVES Elmo) and I pulled him into my lap and I held him. I held him for over 30 minutes... and if anyone knows my baby boy, he does not sit in a lap for more than a few minutes. He was tired, but not ready for a nap. I held him and let him snuggle into my body as he watched his favorite show. I knew he deserved my direct love right at that moment so I just sat and watched his show with him. I have to say, it was the BEST part of my day. I felt very connected with my child and I knew this is exactly where I was supposed to be.
After he went to bed, I took some time to take a HOT bath and relax. Usually during his first nap of the day I exercise and then take a quick shower and get ready for the day. However, today I deserved a relaxing bath with no children and no noise. It was heavenly, divine and definitely relaxing. My body and soul deserved the few moments of relaxation and peace.
The power at work came back on and work resumed as usual. Brayden, my baby, woke up from his nap and was quite happy. He played happily with his toys while I worked. The day was pretty ordinary... I had my moments, as I stated above, but all in all it was a pretty satisfying day.
Later in the evening, we got to go to Parent/Teacher Conference. Last year had been horrible for both my older kids. Partly my fault, partly my kids fault. So, I was dreading what I was going to hear even though I knew both of them were doing far better this year than last. Chandler struggles in reading and composition... they put him in resource at the end of last year. Over the summer we got a reading composition book from Barnes and Nobles and he worked hard on it. I was hoping this extra assistance would keep him from falling back through the summer break and I was actually right. He not only did NOT fall back but he had come leaps and bounds in his reading and composition. His teacher and his resource teacher were so proud of him. They were amazed at his progress and they felt very confident in his abilities and knowledge. His teacher actually called him a sponge... he soaked in everything they were learning. A complete turn around from last year! I joyful moment for mom and dad!
MaKayla was next... last year had been hard. She was late a lot, thanks to me and she missed a lot of assignments that I never heard about until it was too late to really catch up. I felt like a failure of a parent. We talked a lot about it this summer and she agreed to give it everything she’s got and to never miss an assignment again. She is in 6th grade now and I told her they would be preparing her for Junior High so there is no room for missing assignments. That’s all it took with her. Her teacher is amazed with her. She is a delight to have around he had said along with (paraphrased), “I don’t have to worry about what she is doing, because she is always doing what she is supposed to be doing.” He also said when it comes to reading and composition she is way above her level, she has excelled in the subject. On her testing scores for the state she is far above the school and state average in all subjects. A very proud moment!
The day was actually pretty amazing. Although I missed my mom and I had a few very hard moments through out the day, I felt a lot of peace and I KNEW God and my mom were there with my family and I. It was a day of reflection, a day of remembering and a day of acknowledgment.
As the sun was setting I stepped outside on my back porch once again to take in the beauty of our world once again. I really do have a beautiful view and I am TRULY blessed! Count your blessings people...
The day began pretty normal. Wake up, wake up the kids, make sure they get ready for school, feed the baby, begin working from home, hurry my kids out the door to school, go back to working, etc., etc., etc. However, today I did something I do not USUALLY do... I opened up my back door and enjoyed the sun rise from my deck. I have a beautiful view...
I should do it more often. Life is too fragile, too short and too special to NOT enjoy the beauty that surrounds each and every one of us. God gave these visual gifts to all his children and when I take notice of the beauty and serenity I feel peace and love directly from Him. He is mindful of me and He knows my heart. He knows I miss my mom and He knows I have the ability to feel her close every moment of my choosing. I am so grateful for my knowledge of God and of heaven. I could NOT imagine life without the possibility of being with my family after this single adventure of my existence.
My day continued on... the power at work got knocked out due to an accident on the street next to it. I was kicked off my computer for about 2-1/2 hours while they fixed. Shortly after this happened my 14 month old boy began to get “whiny”. He just wanted mom to hold him. I believe the power outage was meant to be. Maybe for many reasons, but for me I was needed by my baby and if I had been working I would have found some other means to entertain him while I finished my work. He had had a rough nights sleep... I believe he is teething but it could possibly be another ear infection. If he has another rough night, I will be taking him to the doctor tomorrow. Any ways, back to my day... This was at about 9 AM. I turned on Sesame Street (he LOVES Elmo) and I pulled him into my lap and I held him. I held him for over 30 minutes... and if anyone knows my baby boy, he does not sit in a lap for more than a few minutes. He was tired, but not ready for a nap. I held him and let him snuggle into my body as he watched his favorite show. I knew he deserved my direct love right at that moment so I just sat and watched his show with him. I have to say, it was the BEST part of my day. I felt very connected with my child and I knew this is exactly where I was supposed to be.
After he went to bed, I took some time to take a HOT bath and relax. Usually during his first nap of the day I exercise and then take a quick shower and get ready for the day. However, today I deserved a relaxing bath with no children and no noise. It was heavenly, divine and definitely relaxing. My body and soul deserved the few moments of relaxation and peace.
The power at work came back on and work resumed as usual. Brayden, my baby, woke up from his nap and was quite happy. He played happily with his toys while I worked. The day was pretty ordinary... I had my moments, as I stated above, but all in all it was a pretty satisfying day.
Later in the evening, we got to go to Parent/Teacher Conference. Last year had been horrible for both my older kids. Partly my fault, partly my kids fault. So, I was dreading what I was going to hear even though I knew both of them were doing far better this year than last. Chandler struggles in reading and composition... they put him in resource at the end of last year. Over the summer we got a reading composition book from Barnes and Nobles and he worked hard on it. I was hoping this extra assistance would keep him from falling back through the summer break and I was actually right. He not only did NOT fall back but he had come leaps and bounds in his reading and composition. His teacher and his resource teacher were so proud of him. They were amazed at his progress and they felt very confident in his abilities and knowledge. His teacher actually called him a sponge... he soaked in everything they were learning. A complete turn around from last year! I joyful moment for mom and dad!
MaKayla was next... last year had been hard. She was late a lot, thanks to me and she missed a lot of assignments that I never heard about until it was too late to really catch up. I felt like a failure of a parent. We talked a lot about it this summer and she agreed to give it everything she’s got and to never miss an assignment again. She is in 6th grade now and I told her they would be preparing her for Junior High so there is no room for missing assignments. That’s all it took with her. Her teacher is amazed with her. She is a delight to have around he had said along with (paraphrased), “I don’t have to worry about what she is doing, because she is always doing what she is supposed to be doing.” He also said when it comes to reading and composition she is way above her level, she has excelled in the subject. On her testing scores for the state she is far above the school and state average in all subjects. A very proud moment!
The day was actually pretty amazing. Although I missed my mom and I had a few very hard moments through out the day, I felt a lot of peace and I KNEW God and my mom were there with my family and I. It was a day of reflection, a day of remembering and a day of acknowledgment.
As the sun was setting I stepped outside on my back porch once again to take in the beauty of our world once again. I really do have a beautiful view and I am TRULY blessed! Count your blessings people...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)