A time to heal... a time to begin a new journey...

When I got divorced I was so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. They were there for me 100%. It was a very trying time for my soul and pride and it was reassuring to know I had such wonderful people in my life. My ex was on probation and had to take random drug tests. He was determined to stay clean and fix his life. He was very angry at me for what I had said to him, but in my eyes, I had not choice. This was MY time. He got to respect that whether he wanted to or not. He began taking the kids every other weekend and used that time to fix the pain he stirred up in them. My son was too young to remember, but my daughter deserved reassurance from her daddy that everything was okay and HE was okay. I believe he knew how important it was and I respect him for standing up, when he could barely hold himself up and being a great dad to his kids.  This is him with the kids, the Easter after our divorce...

When my kids were at their grand-parents house with their dad for the weekend, I would usually go stay with one of my close friends who lived in the city. She showed me how to smile again. She gave me the courage to have fun again and laugh again. We had so much fun during those weekends. We danced, we drank and we played all weekend long. I was able to reconnect with her and other friends from high school. I was also able to make other great friends. It was a time I will never forget. I was able to find some peace with myself and I thank all the wonderful people who came into my life during this period for being a light to me.

I did not attend church during this period of my life and at this point it was okay. I had some things I deserved to go through and it included some very strong ah-ha moments, which will eventually lead me to the path I am on today. In my church, they appoint two women to visit teach the other women in their area. My visiting teachers came regularly and I listened to their messages and appreciated their efforts. They were great women and they spent a lot of time caring for me.

I dated during this time and I met a lot of great men and a lot more NOT so great men. I had men who lied to me and I had men who would take a bullet for me. I learned a lot from each one of them and I learned to trust again. It was nice to talk to a man again about life and issues in the world that did not pertain to drugs or lying or stealing. I really enjoyed these moments and I enjoyed finding myself again. It was EXTREMELY nice to smile and laugh again! I owe a huge THANK YOU to all my dear friends who were there for me during this time. They were a great blessing in my life and I feel so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I know I said about the same thing a minute ago, but it seems important to mention it again. They were my light!  These are my angel friends (I'm in the middle)...

I spent the next year after my divorce pulling myself out of the dark hole I had been in. I spent a lot of time with my kids and they were lights in my life as well. My two sweeties! They are so precious to me and I know I was the lucky one when God chose them to be a part of my life. I know they were confused at first when their dad no longer could stay at our house any more, but I think they liked NOT having the contention and the fighting and the crying around.

I had my ups and downs that first year. I compared a lot of the men I dated to my ex-husband. Of course not the bad parts, but his good parts were really good and I had a hard time if a man did not have those good parts. When my ex was not strung out on drugs, he was a romantic and he treated me with the utmost respect. He treated his mom and dad and grand-parents respectfully. He would pull over whenever anyone needed a hand and he would give the shirt off his back to someone in more need. He was always thinking of others and that is why I had fell in love with him in the first place. He was generous, kind, tolerant and a gentleman. When he was not on drugs that was the person he was. That is why it was so hard to tell him no. He was so sweet and gentle and he could calm me down just by the touch of his hand on mine. So... these men were having a hard time measuring up to his standards. Why was I having such a hard time remembering the bad moments? It was annoying and I knew I needed more time. I decided not to date any one seriously and to just enjoy my kids, my friends and my family.

Sadly, my healing had never really began. I thought it did because I was happy again. However, I learned how wrong I was on the weekend of the 4th of July 2004. I’m not going to go into details, but I made a choice and it turned out VERY badly. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed with my decision. I felt so much sorrow it hurt down to my very soul. I did not know what to call it back then, but recently someone else described it perfectly. I was experiencing Godly sorrow. I was so regretful for my actions that I felt it in every fiber of my being. I cried for days on end and I prayed non-stop for forgiveness and comfort. On that day, the 4th of July I called the bishop of my church (I had only met him once before) and asked if I could speak to him. He told me I could come in that evening. He was the kindest man and he made me feel comfortable and protected as I poured my sins and regrets out on his table. I never wanted to feel the way I did that day, again. It was truly the strongest sorrow I have ever felt. He told me, he was there to lift those burdens for me and hold onto them while I went through the repentance process. I don’t know what it was, but when he told me that I felt so much peace and comfort. I was still feeling the sorrow, but I knew right then everything would work out for the better. I had to remember who I was. Why had I forgotten? Why had I allowed all those years of my ex breaking me down to dim the light inside of me. I knew who I was! I knew the worth of my spirit! Why had I allowed myself to forget? Knowing what I had done to myself brought on more sorrow, but it was good. It allowed God back into my life. This sorrow allowed me to be humble again.

I am a stronger person for my life experiences. My ex-husband lowered his light so I could learn a valuable lesson and I am thankful for that. He was a great man, regardless of his bad choices. I know there are so many people out there that think drug addicts are horrible people, but they mostly aren’t. They are dads, brothers, sons, uncles, grandsons, etc. and someone out there loves them. I know my ex’s parents taught him great values and morals and his choices did not come from anything his parents did. Unfortunately he got mixed up with the wrong people and he could not save himself. He was a man who loved many and hurt many... The day he died was hard for a lot of people including myself. My kids were heart broken and his mom was horribly pained. I will never forget her face or my kids faces that day I drove up to his parents house. He could not save himself, at least not down here. My ex died on August 21, 2005. He died from an overdose of an 8-ball. He had been clean for two years and all it took was one time doing the same amount of drugs he had done 2 years before and it killed him. It was the call I dreaded for the last three years of our marriage and I got it when I least expected it. My ex loved my kids so much. He loved being their dad and he loved being a part of their lives despite the choices he had made. I knew when he died my kids would most likely never feel the fatherly love they had felt from their dad again. It broke my heart to see them miss him so much and cry every single night and day. It was a pain I could not fix, it was a pain I could not make go away, I had to let time heal their wounds. I got to be their rock, just like my mom and dad were mine.

So... here is to all those families who love an addict... here is to all the women and men who stand up to the abusers in their lives... here is to all the people who have lost someone because of bad choices... here is to all the people who had someone lower their light so they could learn a valuable lesson in their lives... and here is to all the people who light the lives of others so they can see the righteous path...

Thank you for reading my story. I have many more to write and I hope you all continue to check back often to see what is being talked about. This part of my story was a bit serious, but I promise they will not all be this way. I love to write and I have so many things to share with others. So, until next time! Love and light to all of you!