I was in a car accident a few weeks ago. It was not anything serious, but it did damage my SUV. But I am not writing this to complain! The moment happened so quickly. I was stopped at a round-about waiting for a few cars to pass around, when I looked in my rear view mirror and saw a white truck sliding towards me. It had snowed earlier that morning and the roads were still a little bit icy. In that moment my thoughts were quick and many. I remember looking forward and seeing if I could move forward, but there was a car right there in front of me, making their way around the round-about. I then returned to watching the truck slide quickly towards me and my only thought at that moment was, “Oh sh#@! There is no way to avoid this one!” And then BAM! The truck hit the back of my car hard, sending my SUV skidding into the middle of the round-about and nearly hitting the last car going past me. Luckily, she was quick on her feet and had moved onto the curb out of the reach of my car. My daughter was in the car with me and I immediately looked over at her and asked her if she was okay. She said she was fine but was getting a headache and she looked shaken up! I had tensed up and I already could feel the headache coming on. My first accident in over fifteen years...
Monday, December 27, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
The things they tell us...
I was reflecting back to a time in my life where I was far more innocent and far more naive and I had to laugh about some of the things I was told and believed. I am sure most parents, older siblings or peers of some sort tell little white lies to either fascinate, scare or confuse children. I am also sure most of the things I believed were explained to me or over heard and I interpreted them the way my child like mind figured things out. Therefore, I guess I can not put all the blame on my parents, brothers and sisters and all the other people who influenced my young mind! :)
Here are a few of the ideas I believed or thought of back in the days:
- I once believed we lived inside the Earth, the sky was the crust of the planet and the stars were small holes in the crust. I believed the sun and the moon were inside the crust and I could not for the life of me figure out how space shuttles got through the crust!
-On that same note, I believed the sun and the moon were far smaller and they circled the Earth, instead of the Earth circling the sun.
- I was told by two babysitters that when they wiped the dust with their fingers and then licked their fingers they would turn into zombies. I was scared of dust for years...
- When I was little I shared a room with my older sister... when I got my own room I remember hating being alone at night and praying for the day when I could be married so I would never have to sleep alone again!
- I grew up in Utah near American Fork canyon. Every night my dad watched Mash and I used to look up at the mountain by my house and I believed Mash was actually taking place up in those mountains.
- I was told by one of my older siblings that if I covered my eyes and walked through the family room, no one would see me because I could not see them. I tried it one time while my parents were having a large party. I remember hiding under the night stand next to the couch and then covering my eyes and walking out into the crowd, really believing there was no chance they could see me. I do not remember much of what happened next, except one of my parents quickly scooting me out of the room and back to bed. I am sure they all had a good laugh, including my siblings!
-One of my brothers told me that if I ever did anything bad all I had to say to my parents was, “Satan made me do it”. That did not fly as well as I thought it would! :)
I really could go on and on about the silly and innocent beliefs I had as a child! I look at my kids now and I realize when I speak to them, they are interpreting what I have to say in the way their little minds can sort it out. I get frustrated at times because they do not catch on as quickly as I want them to, but after thinking back to my mind as a child I remember how different my thoughts were back then. I did not analyze everything and I took things exactly the way they sounded. So now... I get to take a step back and be conscious of how I am influencing my children, even in those small and silly ways!
What are some of the silly thoughts you had as a child? What are some of the ways you influence your children by the quick things you say, not realizing they could be interpreting it completely wrong?
Here are a few of the ideas I believed or thought of back in the days:
- I once believed we lived inside the Earth, the sky was the crust of the planet and the stars were small holes in the crust. I believed the sun and the moon were inside the crust and I could not for the life of me figure out how space shuttles got through the crust!
-On that same note, I believed the sun and the moon were far smaller and they circled the Earth, instead of the Earth circling the sun.
- I was told by two babysitters that when they wiped the dust with their fingers and then licked their fingers they would turn into zombies. I was scared of dust for years...
- When I was little I shared a room with my older sister... when I got my own room I remember hating being alone at night and praying for the day when I could be married so I would never have to sleep alone again!
- I grew up in Utah near American Fork canyon. Every night my dad watched Mash and I used to look up at the mountain by my house and I believed Mash was actually taking place up in those mountains.
- I was told by one of my older siblings that if I covered my eyes and walked through the family room, no one would see me because I could not see them. I tried it one time while my parents were having a large party. I remember hiding under the night stand next to the couch and then covering my eyes and walking out into the crowd, really believing there was no chance they could see me. I do not remember much of what happened next, except one of my parents quickly scooting me out of the room and back to bed. I am sure they all had a good laugh, including my siblings!
-One of my brothers told me that if I ever did anything bad all I had to say to my parents was, “Satan made me do it”. That did not fly as well as I thought it would! :)
I really could go on and on about the silly and innocent beliefs I had as a child! I look at my kids now and I realize when I speak to them, they are interpreting what I have to say in the way their little minds can sort it out. I get frustrated at times because they do not catch on as quickly as I want them to, but after thinking back to my mind as a child I remember how different my thoughts were back then. I did not analyze everything and I took things exactly the way they sounded. So now... I get to take a step back and be conscious of how I am influencing my children, even in those small and silly ways!
What are some of the silly thoughts you had as a child? What are some of the ways you influence your children by the quick things you say, not realizing they could be interpreting it completely wrong?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Flying With the Angels - Chapter Three
When we pulled into our driveway, my dad was already there. The tears were endless as I saw his face.
His face was filled with turmoil and the tears were glistening on his cheeks. After we stopped, I took off both mine and Traci’s seat belts and pulled her out of the car with me. I was not going to let her go. I was not ready for anyone to take her from me. I looked at my dad and my emotions were so great, I just fell into his arms with Traci still in mine. He hugged us both tightly and together we cried.
The whole time Traci held onto both of us. At that moment, I knew my mom must have explained how we would be okay and that it was her time to continue on. If Traci had seen this kind of display of emotion before she would have insisted she do the chemotherapy.
She was so quiet and peaceful right now and for a moment I felt very angry with my mom. The feeling passed quickly and all of a sudden I felt peaceful again, the way I had felt after we had ran through the flowers. I pulled away from my dad and looked at Traci. She smiled at me.
“You feel it too, don’t you?” she asked me, “It’s grandma. She’s here and wants me to tell you she loves you and she knows you will be okay.”
My dad and I immediately looked around, expecting to see my mom standing there. Of course we did not see anything, but I felt so much peace. I knew she was there and it looked like my dad was feeling it too.
He pulled Traci out of my arms and together we walked into the house where Jack was on the telephone with his sister. He got off the telephone just then and looked at the three of us. It was hard to believe this was the end.
We had tried so hard to get pregnant with Traci. Afterwards, the doctors told us I would be unable to have other children. We had felt very blessed to at least have her and now she was leaving us.
Jack came over to us and put his arms around me and we embraced each other, while my dad carried Traci into the family room. We held each other for a few minutes and as we separated, Jack’s parents walked into the house from the garage door. Both of them were crying and their eyes and faces were red.
Jack pointed into the family room and both of them hurried in to see their little angel.
His face was filled with turmoil and the tears were glistening on his cheeks. After we stopped, I took off both mine and Traci’s seat belts and pulled her out of the car with me. I was not going to let her go. I was not ready for anyone to take her from me. I looked at my dad and my emotions were so great, I just fell into his arms with Traci still in mine. He hugged us both tightly and together we cried.
The whole time Traci held onto both of us. At that moment, I knew my mom must have explained how we would be okay and that it was her time to continue on. If Traci had seen this kind of display of emotion before she would have insisted she do the chemotherapy.
She was so quiet and peaceful right now and for a moment I felt very angry with my mom. The feeling passed quickly and all of a sudden I felt peaceful again, the way I had felt after we had ran through the flowers. I pulled away from my dad and looked at Traci. She smiled at me.
“You feel it too, don’t you?” she asked me, “It’s grandma. She’s here and wants me to tell you she loves you and she knows you will be okay.”
My dad and I immediately looked around, expecting to see my mom standing there. Of course we did not see anything, but I felt so much peace. I knew she was there and it looked like my dad was feeling it too.
He pulled Traci out of my arms and together we walked into the house where Jack was on the telephone with his sister. He got off the telephone just then and looked at the three of us. It was hard to believe this was the end.
We had tried so hard to get pregnant with Traci. Afterwards, the doctors told us I would be unable to have other children. We had felt very blessed to at least have her and now she was leaving us.
Jack came over to us and put his arms around me and we embraced each other, while my dad carried Traci into the family room. We held each other for a few minutes and as we separated, Jack’s parents walked into the house from the garage door. Both of them were crying and their eyes and faces were red.
Jack pointed into the family room and both of them hurried in to see their little angel.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Flying With the Angels - Chapter Two
We arrived at the hospital a couple of hours later filled with a sense of peace.
Traci was sleeping in the back seat with a look of contentment on her face. Who knew an hour in a field of flowers would change the whole feeling of our day. Traci was an angel already. An angel sent especially to me to remind me who I am and what really matters in the chaos of the world.
We pulled in to the parking space and Jack turned off the car. We sat in silence for a moment.
They had expected us almost two hours ago. It did not matter though. The only thing that mattered was this moment, these few precious moments we had left with our little girl. We both knew it was the end. It was a feeling we had both received while laying in the field holding hands with Traci. She had smiled and giggled and talked of heaven and angels. She knew where she was going and she wanted us to be at peace with it.
This moment was peaceful, special and tranquil. Although we knew what was to come and we felt peaceful, we did not want to accept it. The thought was still agonizing, so we continued to live in this moment and this moment only.
Jack squeezed my hand bringing my thought back to the car. I looked back at Traci and smiled. I was lucky and privileged to have met this angel. Jack must have read my mind. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“We are so lucky. God must have known how much we needed to have her in our lives.”
I smiled as we shared a knowing look and then we both opened our doors and climbed out of the car. Jack opened Traci’s door and gently pulled her into his arms. She melted into his body and he cradled her the way he had when she was a baby. I took it all in as the tears began to roll again.
We silently walked into the hospital and as we entered the children's ward we were greeted by a couple of impatient and angry nurses. As they took in the scene of our little family their words instantly softened and they began to calmly instruct us on what had to be done to get Traci ready for all her tests.
Our peaceful moments were gone, but I held onto the peace in my heart as I followed the nurses to Traci’s room.
Traci was sleeping in the back seat with a look of contentment on her face. Who knew an hour in a field of flowers would change the whole feeling of our day. Traci was an angel already. An angel sent especially to me to remind me who I am and what really matters in the chaos of the world.
We pulled in to the parking space and Jack turned off the car. We sat in silence for a moment.
They had expected us almost two hours ago. It did not matter though. The only thing that mattered was this moment, these few precious moments we had left with our little girl. We both knew it was the end. It was a feeling we had both received while laying in the field holding hands with Traci. She had smiled and giggled and talked of heaven and angels. She knew where she was going and she wanted us to be at peace with it.
This moment was peaceful, special and tranquil. Although we knew what was to come and we felt peaceful, we did not want to accept it. The thought was still agonizing, so we continued to live in this moment and this moment only.
Jack squeezed my hand bringing my thought back to the car. I looked back at Traci and smiled. I was lucky and privileged to have met this angel. Jack must have read my mind. He leaned over and kissed my forehead.
“We are so lucky. God must have known how much we needed to have her in our lives.”
I smiled as we shared a knowing look and then we both opened our doors and climbed out of the car. Jack opened Traci’s door and gently pulled her into his arms. She melted into his body and he cradled her the way he had when she was a baby. I took it all in as the tears began to roll again.
We silently walked into the hospital and as we entered the children's ward we were greeted by a couple of impatient and angry nurses. As they took in the scene of our little family their words instantly softened and they began to calmly instruct us on what had to be done to get Traci ready for all her tests.
Our peaceful moments were gone, but I held onto the peace in my heart as I followed the nurses to Traci’s room.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Flying With the Angels - Chapter One
It has been over a week since I posted anything on this blog... I have been working on a short story for a while and I wanted to get it ready to post! Just an FYI... this is a bit of a sad, spiritual and emotional story. If anyone is dealing with death of someone close or is dealing with any form of cancer with themselves, family or anyone close to them I would suggest NOT reading this, unless you feel it something you can handle.
I was inspired to write this by a nature scenery I saw and by a song I love. I will post the song at the end of the entire story, which will have three chapters. I love to write and most of my writings are completely fictional and do not come from actual events in my life or anyone's life close to me. Please be kind in any criticisms you might have towards my story. After all... that is all it is, a story.
FLYING WITH THE ANGELS - CHAPTER ONE
“Mom, it looks like heaven,” Traci exclaimed staring out of the window.
I glanced over to where she was looking and noticed the clouds with the sun blazing through the center. It was beautiful and mesmerizing.
“It does look like heaven,” I replied. “You have such a great eye for beautiful moments!”
Traci continued to stare at the clouds and the sun as they slowly changed formation. She was such a special kid. Life was so exciting and full with her in it. She lived in the moment and to her there was never a dull moment in life.
Funny since I never taught her that, she just came that way. She was my teacher, instead of the other way around.
A tear escaped on of my eyes as I looked back to the road ahead. Jack reached over from the drivers seat and squeezed my hand instinctively. I quickly looked over at him and we shared a knowing glance. Pain was in his eyes and I am sure it was just as noticeable in mine.
We were on our way back to the hospital to admit Traci. The leukemia had metastasized through her body and the doctors were skeptical on whether or not they could stop it this time.
My mind wandered back to the moment when it all came crashing down on our hearts.
I was inspired to write this by a nature scenery I saw and by a song I love. I will post the song at the end of the entire story, which will have three chapters. I love to write and most of my writings are completely fictional and do not come from actual events in my life or anyone's life close to me. Please be kind in any criticisms you might have towards my story. After all... that is all it is, a story.
FLYING WITH THE ANGELS - CHAPTER ONE
“Mom, it looks like heaven,” Traci exclaimed staring out of the window.
I glanced over to where she was looking and noticed the clouds with the sun blazing through the center. It was beautiful and mesmerizing.
“It does look like heaven,” I replied. “You have such a great eye for beautiful moments!”
Traci continued to stare at the clouds and the sun as they slowly changed formation. She was such a special kid. Life was so exciting and full with her in it. She lived in the moment and to her there was never a dull moment in life.
Funny since I never taught her that, she just came that way. She was my teacher, instead of the other way around.
A tear escaped on of my eyes as I looked back to the road ahead. Jack reached over from the drivers seat and squeezed my hand instinctively. I quickly looked over at him and we shared a knowing glance. Pain was in his eyes and I am sure it was just as noticeable in mine.
We were on our way back to the hospital to admit Traci. The leukemia had metastasized through her body and the doctors were skeptical on whether or not they could stop it this time.
My mind wandered back to the moment when it all came crashing down on our hearts.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Don't Mess with Mama Bear!
If you mess with my kids, you mess with me... If you are a parent or a protective aunt, uncle, grandparent, etc. you most likely get where I am coming from. My kids are no angels, but they are my kids and no one messes with them and gets away with it.
Yes... I know children “need” to learn to defend themselves, but when it comes to older kids or adults, you can bet I will step in and rectify the situation!
Here is a great example... A couple of years ago, I got a call from the Vice Principal of my son’s school, while I was at work. My son at the time was only seven.
He had told me over the past few months about different altercations he had with other children and I knew he had been in the Principal’s office a few times, only because he had told me. I had not received any notes, emails or calls from anyone at the school. Therefore when I got this call I was completely blown away by what she had to tell me.
She proceeded to tell me he had gotten in a fight with another boy the day before and when the boy came to school the next day he had a horrible black eye, along with having a bad cut close to his eye. They thought since it had been bad enough, it was a good time to let me know.
She proceeded to say my son had been in many fights with another boy who we know pretty well. I began to laugh and told her, if she was telling me he was fighting with this kid, it was because he was standing up for himself.
This kid is a bully.
Several times I had come to ALL my kids aid because he was either running after them with a shovel and swinging it at them or he was taking off his dirty underwear and throwing it at them or he was pushing, shoving them, throwing rocks or other objects at them or yelling cuss words for the whole neighborhood to hear. Then as soon as an adult pops their head in, he acts completely innocent and sweet. Luckily, I had spent several times watching through the windows and listening to their stand-offs. He may have the Vice Principal or other adults fooled, but he was not pulling a fast one on me.
I immediately brushed off those accusations and asked her if there had been previous problems with this one boy before yesterday. She told me she did not think so, but she had not gotten my sons side of the story and the story of the other boy was brief. She then proceeded to tell me she had told my son, if he had any more problems with fighting they would have to suspend him from school.
Silence... from me. If you were on my side of the phone, you would have probably seen my face go red and steam blow out of my ears!
Yes... I know children “need” to learn to defend themselves, but when it comes to older kids or adults, you can bet I will step in and rectify the situation!
Here is a great example... A couple of years ago, I got a call from the Vice Principal of my son’s school, while I was at work. My son at the time was only seven.
He had told me over the past few months about different altercations he had with other children and I knew he had been in the Principal’s office a few times, only because he had told me. I had not received any notes, emails or calls from anyone at the school. Therefore when I got this call I was completely blown away by what she had to tell me.
She proceeded to tell me he had gotten in a fight with another boy the day before and when the boy came to school the next day he had a horrible black eye, along with having a bad cut close to his eye. They thought since it had been bad enough, it was a good time to let me know.
She proceeded to say my son had been in many fights with another boy who we know pretty well. I began to laugh and told her, if she was telling me he was fighting with this kid, it was because he was standing up for himself.
This kid is a bully.
Several times I had come to ALL my kids aid because he was either running after them with a shovel and swinging it at them or he was taking off his dirty underwear and throwing it at them or he was pushing, shoving them, throwing rocks or other objects at them or yelling cuss words for the whole neighborhood to hear. Then as soon as an adult pops their head in, he acts completely innocent and sweet. Luckily, I had spent several times watching through the windows and listening to their stand-offs. He may have the Vice Principal or other adults fooled, but he was not pulling a fast one on me.
I immediately brushed off those accusations and asked her if there had been previous problems with this one boy before yesterday. She told me she did not think so, but she had not gotten my sons side of the story and the story of the other boy was brief. She then proceeded to tell me she had told my son, if he had any more problems with fighting they would have to suspend him from school.
Silence... from me. If you were on my side of the phone, you would have probably seen my face go red and steam blow out of my ears!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Celebrate You!
Have you ever felt not good enough or below others in certain areas of life or in life in its entirety? I know I have. It took me a long time to value myself and see the person inside me, who is beautiful, strong and inspirational. I used to be scared of any attention placed upon me and to this day I still get a little anxious if it happens, but now I KNOW who I am. I know I am just as important and valuable as the next person and this knowledge has completely changed my life. Do you really think I would write on a blog and pour my heart and soul out on the internet for everyone to see if I felt I held no value? I really do not think I would be brave enough and some times I still question myself when pondering the next thing I want to write about. Some times I worry what others will think and if they will think what I write is ridiculous or stupid. But then I yank myself back to reality and realize, it does not matter. It does not matter what anyone thinks of me. Their opinions are their own and whether they are positive or negative is none of my business.
Friday, November 19, 2010
How strong are you really?
I was quietly meditating this morning while my baby was taking his nap and I began to think of all the challenges I have had in my life, including present ones. While I was searching through my mind I realized there was not one of those trying moments in my life where I did not eventually fall on my knees and say a fervent and long overdue prayer to my Heavenly Father. Then I began to think of how long it took until I did turn to God for assistance. Some times I get on my knees almost immediately and other times I push myself for as long as I can before I crumble under the pressure and have no choice but to look for heavenly support. I wonder why I wait. Do I really think I am strong enough without His help? Actually I know I am not strong enough without my Heavenly Father. He is the reason I have made it this far in my life without giving up. However, some times I find myself "trying" to solve all of my life's problems without His assistance and that is when I find myself barely treading water. Who else does this? Are there times in your life where you have thought you could bear all the burdens?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Converting flared jeans into skinny jeans!
I was going through my drawer of jeans and I pulled out three pair of jeans I hardly ever wear any more because of one big reason... they have shrunk too much at the bottom and being flared or boot cut jeans they looked silly with heels! So, my good friend Syd said something about the Young Women in her ward making skinny jeans out of their flared jeans. The light bulb went on in my head... Here is what I did to sew my jeans into skinny jeans. FYI... I am not a wiz at the sewing machine but my mom did teach me well, so I can definitely pin and sew using the pins as my guide. Here is the before picture of my jeans...
I then carefully took them back off... yes OUCH if you dig one of those pins in you... and then I used a straight stitch on my sewing machine. Here is the pictures of my sewing maching settings and my finished stitch...
Look how much I am taking off on these jeans on the bottom! At least half if not more. After I did the straight stitch I picked a jagged stitch to help hold it in place, just like the jeans had originally...
After this was complete I cut along the outside stitch and tada...
I then took the jeans and turned them inside out and put them back on. I pinned them on both sides exactly where I wanted the stitch to go...
And here is the completed project! They fit a whole lot better and they go nicely into any of my boots.
I did this with three pairs of my jeans and now instead of rummaging through my jeans trying to find the right pair I have three more to choose from! Plus, I don't need to go spend more money on skinny jeans... well, at least not yet! HAHA!!
Please share with others... I know I'm probably behind on the times and everyone else has already thought of this, but maybe not! Until next time...
Saturday, November 13, 2010
My ramblings!
Can I just say this week... no this past month has been completely crazy! I am really wanting to get more involved in my blog and spend just about every day posting something new, but it seems like my family has another plan for me. Between dance for Makayla, TaeKwonDo for Chandler, work and the house for myself and just having Brayden take up every extra minute he can, it seems like I am done in before I get the chance to focus on what I want to do! The life of a mother... now I know why my mom was dragged in so many directions and seemed at times to be stretched to the limit. She was an amazing person who raised seven children and I actually think we all turned out pretty normal... well, at least for the most part... of course, normal is a bit boring so I would say a bit of disfunction and abnormality does play a part in our family at times!
Any ways, back to the craziness! I love it! Well... most of the time. Some times I just want to shut my door and crawl into my warm cozy bed and fall asleep while the crazy life continues on the other side. However, most of the time I love the constant going going going. I have so much fun with my family and friends. I love going with my kids to their activities and I love going out with my husband, my siblings, my dad or my friends. I love playing with my baby and hearing him scream and laugh. Although, he now screams whenever he wants something. What is up with that? He only says mama and dada and everything else is a scream and pointing. I have to say this is a whole new way of communicating, since my two other kids spoke at early ages and were able to tell me what they wanted with English words! I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix this screaming so any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!
So... back to the crazy life. Let's start with today. Brayden woke me up at 6:30 this morning. Why, you ask? I have no clue. He enjoys waking up before the sun, so he can get his playing in before everyone else can bother him. Grrrr... I think Saturdays should be sleep in days, at least until 8:00. I have never been a morning person! Mike had to work this morning so he was not around to share in my joys of early rising, even though he had to get earlier than myself. Well, we were leaving for Duchesne, Utah at 9:30, so I did not spend much time sitting on the couch nodding in and out although it did seem like the thing to do so early in the morning. Once Chandler was awake I began to get ready while he watched Brayden. I could have spent all morning in the shower, but with my dad arriving at our house at 9:30 I knew I actually HAD to stay on task. You would think I had plenty of time to get ready and get the kids fed and ready as well, but it seems like time just disappears when you are busy. Before I knew it 9:00 was here and I still had to get everything together for my neices present (we were going for her 3rd birthday) and I still had to pack Braydens diaper bag. FYI: never go on a two hour drive without everything a one year old needs and wants! 9:30 came quickly and we were ready to go. I got in the car and pulled it out of the garage and called my dad. He had gone back for the directions and so he was a little behind. Good for me. I now had time to send Chandler off on a couple of errands to neighbors homes and to make sure I had everything we needed for the drive. My dad drove up as I was back in the house because the cats needed food put in their dish before we left and Chandler had to put his bike back in the garage. I hurried and locked up and jumped back in my car and away we went.
Two hours up to Duchesne was not that bad. My dad and I talked most of the time and Brayden, thankfully, slept most of the drive. We arrived just before noon and enjoyed lunch, watched Meg blow out her candles and open her many presents. She is such a beautiful girl! My brother and sister-in-law are going to have their hands full with that one! HAHA! Chandler and Makayla explored the outside of their house and climbed the hill I told them NOT to climb. Why do I even bother? I guess I should not be so protective of them... they are growing up and what is a hill any ways? I used to climb the mountain next to my house when I was younger then them. I just don't want them to grow up so fast. Any ways, we spent a good hour and a half up at there house. We would have stayed longer, but Chandler was getting bored (there's only so much exploring a nine year old with ADHD can do) and my dad was getting tired. So, we drove two hours back home and this time it seemed to take forever. Next time I will definitely have to make a whole day of it so I don't feel like I was just in the stupid car.
Home was a great sight! And I needed a nap. I finally convinced Makayla to watch Brayden while Mike played his video game and I went up to my room for that much deserved nap. I was out like a light... until I heard Brayden scream. Geez... I need a sound proof room! He was mad at something and he was wanting the whole neighborhood to know. I slowly dragged myself out of my warm bed and walked out of my room and down to the kitchen, where Makayla was feeding Brayden a banana. Who knows what he wanted. He was getting all the attention he needed along with food and drink. SERIOUSLY! I sat down next to him and asked him what his problem was. He smiled and put his arms out for me to pick him up. Maybe he just wanted his mom! That's okay by me.
I hardly got anything done all day, but it was over before I had to chance to even think about my house. That's okay. My house is tidy enough. Yes, there are things on the countertop, the dishes are not all the way done and my stairs need some vacuuming, but those are things I am willing to put off for another day of craziness.
I guess one day is good enough for this post! I could ramble on and on about nothing for hours, but my eyes are getting heavy and my kids want me to watch 2012 with them before we head off to bed. Why we are up so late is beyond me. Maybe because I let them sleep in this morning and I got a nap... but, it was a good day filled with great conversation and constant chaos! I love my life and I would never trade it for another!
Tell me about your days... I would love to hear what happens in the days of my readers. I know I don't have that many regulars, but for those of you who do enjoy my writings, tell us about a day in the life of you! Until next time... sleep tight!
Any ways, back to the craziness! I love it! Well... most of the time. Some times I just want to shut my door and crawl into my warm cozy bed and fall asleep while the crazy life continues on the other side. However, most of the time I love the constant going going going. I have so much fun with my family and friends. I love going with my kids to their activities and I love going out with my husband, my siblings, my dad or my friends. I love playing with my baby and hearing him scream and laugh. Although, he now screams whenever he wants something. What is up with that? He only says mama and dada and everything else is a scream and pointing. I have to say this is a whole new way of communicating, since my two other kids spoke at early ages and were able to tell me what they wanted with English words! I'm not sure how I'm supposed to fix this screaming so any advice would be GREATLY appreciated!
So... back to the crazy life. Let's start with today. Brayden woke me up at 6:30 this morning. Why, you ask? I have no clue. He enjoys waking up before the sun, so he can get his playing in before everyone else can bother him. Grrrr... I think Saturdays should be sleep in days, at least until 8:00. I have never been a morning person! Mike had to work this morning so he was not around to share in my joys of early rising, even though he had to get earlier than myself. Well, we were leaving for Duchesne, Utah at 9:30, so I did not spend much time sitting on the couch nodding in and out although it did seem like the thing to do so early in the morning. Once Chandler was awake I began to get ready while he watched Brayden. I could have spent all morning in the shower, but with my dad arriving at our house at 9:30 I knew I actually HAD to stay on task. You would think I had plenty of time to get ready and get the kids fed and ready as well, but it seems like time just disappears when you are busy. Before I knew it 9:00 was here and I still had to get everything together for my neices present (we were going for her 3rd birthday) and I still had to pack Braydens diaper bag. FYI: never go on a two hour drive without everything a one year old needs and wants! 9:30 came quickly and we were ready to go. I got in the car and pulled it out of the garage and called my dad. He had gone back for the directions and so he was a little behind. Good for me. I now had time to send Chandler off on a couple of errands to neighbors homes and to make sure I had everything we needed for the drive. My dad drove up as I was back in the house because the cats needed food put in their dish before we left and Chandler had to put his bike back in the garage. I hurried and locked up and jumped back in my car and away we went.
Two hours up to Duchesne was not that bad. My dad and I talked most of the time and Brayden, thankfully, slept most of the drive. We arrived just before noon and enjoyed lunch, watched Meg blow out her candles and open her many presents. She is such a beautiful girl! My brother and sister-in-law are going to have their hands full with that one! HAHA! Chandler and Makayla explored the outside of their house and climbed the hill I told them NOT to climb. Why do I even bother? I guess I should not be so protective of them... they are growing up and what is a hill any ways? I used to climb the mountain next to my house when I was younger then them. I just don't want them to grow up so fast. Any ways, we spent a good hour and a half up at there house. We would have stayed longer, but Chandler was getting bored (there's only so much exploring a nine year old with ADHD can do) and my dad was getting tired. So, we drove two hours back home and this time it seemed to take forever. Next time I will definitely have to make a whole day of it so I don't feel like I was just in the stupid car.
Home was a great sight! And I needed a nap. I finally convinced Makayla to watch Brayden while Mike played his video game and I went up to my room for that much deserved nap. I was out like a light... until I heard Brayden scream. Geez... I need a sound proof room! He was mad at something and he was wanting the whole neighborhood to know. I slowly dragged myself out of my warm bed and walked out of my room and down to the kitchen, where Makayla was feeding Brayden a banana. Who knows what he wanted. He was getting all the attention he needed along with food and drink. SERIOUSLY! I sat down next to him and asked him what his problem was. He smiled and put his arms out for me to pick him up. Maybe he just wanted his mom! That's okay by me.
I hardly got anything done all day, but it was over before I had to chance to even think about my house. That's okay. My house is tidy enough. Yes, there are things on the countertop, the dishes are not all the way done and my stairs need some vacuuming, but those are things I am willing to put off for another day of craziness.
I guess one day is good enough for this post! I could ramble on and on about nothing for hours, but my eyes are getting heavy and my kids want me to watch 2012 with them before we head off to bed. Why we are up so late is beyond me. Maybe because I let them sleep in this morning and I got a nap... but, it was a good day filled with great conversation and constant chaos! I love my life and I would never trade it for another!
Tell me about your days... I would love to hear what happens in the days of my readers. I know I don't have that many regulars, but for those of you who do enjoy my writings, tell us about a day in the life of you! Until next time... sleep tight!
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Friends Forever
I have noticed through the years there are many people who come in and out of my life. Some stay for a long time, others for a while and others are out before they were really in. Then there are those who have been there for as long as I can remember! This past Saturday I went out to breakfast with three of my dear friends. It was an extremely good time and it felt like no time had even passed since the last time we had been together. These girlfriends of mine have been around since Junior High and no matter how life has changed we have managed to remain friends.
I noticed as we were chatting away about our lives, that all of us are SO happy and content. We talked about what is going on with our lives right now and it was so much fun to listen to where each of our lives have taken us. We had a few moments of laughs about the old times, but it was not as enjoyable as it used to be. It was more interesting and more exciting to hear about the NOW. It did not matter what our political and religious views are, it did not matter if we are rich, poor or in between and it did not matter about our past decisions that got us to the place we are today... all that mattered was how happy we all were and how fun it was to just be there together and laugh like teenage girls again! I’m sure there were a few people more than annoyed with us, but really who cares. It did not matter because we were thoroughly enjoying a happy reunion!
I had dug up a picture of ALL of us, back so many years ago and it made me laugh. It had been a surprise birthday party for one of my friends. We had so much fun that night! It amazes me that despite the years, the changes and even the distances between us we have all managed to find our way back to our friendships. So here is to ALL my dear friends (the ones who were far away or unable to make it) and here is to all my new and old friends every where else. Thank you for your continuous friendship and love.
Does anyone have any great stories about their friends? Please feel free to add a comment on friendship or about your friends! I would love to hear all about it... Have a great night and I will be returning soon so keep reading! Namaste.
I noticed as we were chatting away about our lives, that all of us are SO happy and content. We talked about what is going on with our lives right now and it was so much fun to listen to where each of our lives have taken us. We had a few moments of laughs about the old times, but it was not as enjoyable as it used to be. It was more interesting and more exciting to hear about the NOW. It did not matter what our political and religious views are, it did not matter if we are rich, poor or in between and it did not matter about our past decisions that got us to the place we are today... all that mattered was how happy we all were and how fun it was to just be there together and laugh like teenage girls again! I’m sure there were a few people more than annoyed with us, but really who cares. It did not matter because we were thoroughly enjoying a happy reunion!
I had dug up a picture of ALL of us, back so many years ago and it made me laugh. It had been a surprise birthday party for one of my friends. We had so much fun that night! It amazes me that despite the years, the changes and even the distances between us we have all managed to find our way back to our friendships. So here is to ALL my dear friends (the ones who were far away or unable to make it) and here is to all my new and old friends every where else. Thank you for your continuous friendship and love.
Does anyone have any great stories about their friends? Please feel free to add a comment on friendship or about your friends! I would love to hear all about it... Have a great night and I will be returning soon so keep reading! Namaste.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Living in the Now
Okay I know... everyone talks about this. Maybe because it is such a great topic!
I am writing about it because I recently read an article from “Single Dad Laughing” blog on this very topic. I was quite impressed by what he had to say, but I think it was a bit of an overload for myself. Here is the link:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/before-number-changes.html
Check it out and see for yourself. It might be life changing for you or you might be a bit overwhelmed like I was. My head had a difficult time wrapping itself around what he was saying.
I have gone to a self help group where they stressed the same topic, along with listening to several different speakers like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle. I believe these authors are extremely intelligent and they inspire me every time I listen to them, but I like it in more simple terms.
Here goes:
When I am not worried about time and I am living in the now, just doing what I love to do or staying focused on the tasks on hand, this is when I am the most productive.
Whether it is exercising, playing with my kids, cleaning my house, painting walls, writing or anything I can think of, I am able to get MORE done if I do not worry about the time.
I can see the power of living in the now. I know it can seem weird when someone says “time does not exist” or “the past does not exist”. In my opinion (I could be completely wrong, which is not unusual) it is just their way of explaining the power of living in the now and not staying stuck in the past or worrying about the future. There is no point to either one of those.
Remaining stuck in the past could make a person feel a constant victim because of the things in the past which hurt them or it can keep someone from moving on from sad times in their lives or even more happy times in their lives.
Why would someone want to leave a time that was far more happy?
I get why it would be hard at times, but to progress in life it is absolutely necessary. Life should be taken as one lesson after another. Some times they are happy lessons and other times they are horrible, painstaking lessons, but nonetheless they are lessons for us to grow and learn from so we can continue to progress.
Saying “the past does not exist” would say everything I have learned to get me to be the person I am today does not exist, therefore the strengths I have gathered do not exist.
Allowing the hardships to become lessons and learning to move on despite the pain is a way to become a better person right now, in this very moment. I could take those lessons and progress from them and realize that was all they were or I could be stuck back in those lessons forever feeling imprisoned by the sadness in my life.
Now I love to day dream... silly huh!
I like to think of life when I accomplish the goals I have in my mind. I don’t do it often, but when I do it is my time to let go of reality as I now know it. Some people would say I am not being realistic, but I say phooey on them.
Take Walt Disney... didn’t it all start with a dream?
I believe if you take away someone’s dreams you take away their motivation and desire to be better in all areas of their lives. The future has not happened yet and it rarely turns out exactly the way we want it to be... usually it is better, at least for me. However, those dreams motivate me and they get me moving when I am too tired or too worn out from a long day of work, kids, chauffeuring, cleaning, etc.
I say there is nothing wrong with dreaming, as long as a person keeps it in perspective and knows in order to get from point A to point B, they have to work hard while enjoying every step along the way.
One more point on living in the now... Have you ever noticed how you feel when you are in the middle of a dangerous and exhilarating amusement park ride?
I know I feel like I am on top of the world!
I am laughing, screaming and enjoying every moment of it. Take the Tower of Terror at Disneyland. I love that ride! The whole time I am IN the now and enjoying the ride moment to moment to moment.
We pay A LOT of money to feel this way. However, although it might not be as exhilarating, actually focusing on being in the now more often then not can give you a very similar experience. It is a very HAPPY and CONTENT feeling. A JOY which can be felt constantly as long as you choose to live moment to moment instead of “thinking” about everything else in life.
I challenge everyone who is reading this blog to take themselves out of the past and the future as much as possible and enjoy what is right in front of you. Yes, even the mundane commute to and from work!
Sing in the car, smile at your neighbor car as you sit in rush hour traffic... you could change their day and yours as well.
The next day “Single Dad Laughing” wrote a continuation of his post about the past does not exist. I thought it was wonderful. He has an amazing talent and I get where he is coming from better than I did yesterday. So here is a link to his next post if you have not already read it:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/my-dancing-black-duck.html
PS... I love to dance, especially with my kids. It does put you in the moment and when your kids giggle and scream because their mom is BEING with them in this moment (well and because they are being twirled and dipped could have a part in it too) it brings so much JOY and SWEET INNOCENCE to your soul. I hope everyone enjoyed this little rant today. Share with others if you get a chance and peace be with all you!
I am writing about it because I recently read an article from “Single Dad Laughing” blog on this very topic. I was quite impressed by what he had to say, but I think it was a bit of an overload for myself. Here is the link:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/before-number-changes.html
Check it out and see for yourself. It might be life changing for you or you might be a bit overwhelmed like I was. My head had a difficult time wrapping itself around what he was saying.
I have gone to a self help group where they stressed the same topic, along with listening to several different speakers like Dr. Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle. I believe these authors are extremely intelligent and they inspire me every time I listen to them, but I like it in more simple terms.
Here goes:
When I am not worried about time and I am living in the now, just doing what I love to do or staying focused on the tasks on hand, this is when I am the most productive.
Whether it is exercising, playing with my kids, cleaning my house, painting walls, writing or anything I can think of, I am able to get MORE done if I do not worry about the time.
I can see the power of living in the now. I know it can seem weird when someone says “time does not exist” or “the past does not exist”. In my opinion (I could be completely wrong, which is not unusual) it is just their way of explaining the power of living in the now and not staying stuck in the past or worrying about the future. There is no point to either one of those.
Remaining stuck in the past could make a person feel a constant victim because of the things in the past which hurt them or it can keep someone from moving on from sad times in their lives or even more happy times in their lives.
Why would someone want to leave a time that was far more happy?
I get why it would be hard at times, but to progress in life it is absolutely necessary. Life should be taken as one lesson after another. Some times they are happy lessons and other times they are horrible, painstaking lessons, but nonetheless they are lessons for us to grow and learn from so we can continue to progress.
Saying “the past does not exist” would say everything I have learned to get me to be the person I am today does not exist, therefore the strengths I have gathered do not exist.
Allowing the hardships to become lessons and learning to move on despite the pain is a way to become a better person right now, in this very moment. I could take those lessons and progress from them and realize that was all they were or I could be stuck back in those lessons forever feeling imprisoned by the sadness in my life.
Now I love to day dream... silly huh!
I like to think of life when I accomplish the goals I have in my mind. I don’t do it often, but when I do it is my time to let go of reality as I now know it. Some people would say I am not being realistic, but I say phooey on them.
Take Walt Disney... didn’t it all start with a dream?
I believe if you take away someone’s dreams you take away their motivation and desire to be better in all areas of their lives. The future has not happened yet and it rarely turns out exactly the way we want it to be... usually it is better, at least for me. However, those dreams motivate me and they get me moving when I am too tired or too worn out from a long day of work, kids, chauffeuring, cleaning, etc.
I say there is nothing wrong with dreaming, as long as a person keeps it in perspective and knows in order to get from point A to point B, they have to work hard while enjoying every step along the way.
One more point on living in the now... Have you ever noticed how you feel when you are in the middle of a dangerous and exhilarating amusement park ride?
I know I feel like I am on top of the world!
I am laughing, screaming and enjoying every moment of it. Take the Tower of Terror at Disneyland. I love that ride! The whole time I am IN the now and enjoying the ride moment to moment to moment.
We pay A LOT of money to feel this way. However, although it might not be as exhilarating, actually focusing on being in the now more often then not can give you a very similar experience. It is a very HAPPY and CONTENT feeling. A JOY which can be felt constantly as long as you choose to live moment to moment instead of “thinking” about everything else in life.
I challenge everyone who is reading this blog to take themselves out of the past and the future as much as possible and enjoy what is right in front of you. Yes, even the mundane commute to and from work!
Sing in the car, smile at your neighbor car as you sit in rush hour traffic... you could change their day and yours as well.
The next day “Single Dad Laughing” wrote a continuation of his post about the past does not exist. I thought it was wonderful. He has an amazing talent and I get where he is coming from better than I did yesterday. So here is a link to his next post if you have not already read it:
http://www.danoah.com/2010/11/my-dancing-black-duck.html
PS... I love to dance, especially with my kids. It does put you in the moment and when your kids giggle and scream because their mom is BEING with them in this moment (well and because they are being twirled and dipped could have a part in it too) it brings so much JOY and SWEET INNOCENCE to your soul. I hope everyone enjoyed this little rant today. Share with others if you get a chance and peace be with all you!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Shopping is my Therapy
Yes... it is true. It has been true for as long as I can remember! I remember days where I would be aching to go spend money I did not have. It still happens, but I have learned to control those urges! Well... most of the time! Take tonight for example. My sister-in-law sent me a notice on Facebook to LIKE a boutique. So I did because I not only like boutiques, I LOVE them! I noticed they were having a 20% off deal for one item and I ALSO noticed they did not close until 10PM. Yep, you can guess it... I hopped/danced into my car and drove joyfully over there. I promised my husband I would be good and I actually was, but I did not even have to spend what I did spend! But the store was SO darling and I could have easily spent a few hundred dollars there. Their jeans are only $49 and they are all blinged out and fit great.
What is wrong with me?!?! It’s like a monster takes over and I can not control myself. I am aching to go back and buy those jeans or maybe even a couple pair of jeans! How fun would that be!! Of course I would have to return them, because bills being paid has to take precedence... right?!?! I did end up buying a shirt... a completely beautiful shirt and I will love it forever... well, until the next best thing comes along!
And isn’t that how it always work. I mean really... shopping is my therapy but it is never ending. I spend, take home, enjoy for five minutes and then I am on to the next cute shirt. It is almost like a drug. I have to get my fix, but then I have to go back for more and more and more and before I know it I am in debt. Then I NEED more therapy! Well, geez SHOPPING did not solve a thing.
Okay, so I am not that bad, any more. However, I used to be really bad. I could never save. If I had money in my pocket it was spent fast and efficiently. It was like it was burning a hole in my pocket. My sweet friends who know me so well, will remember these days! I had no problem putting a great pair of jeans ahead of my cell phone bill or my electricity bill. Who cares if they got turned off... I will just call and beg them to work with me and it will all work out and I will get to keep the great pair of jeans! But then something else even better comes along... and the circle of life continues.
Any ways, I have learned to control those urges for the most part... but every once and a while this thing goes off in my head and all self-control goes out the window or the door or the chimney, wherever I can toss it! By the time I get to the store I can some times talk myself out of spending any money and other times I can MOSTLY talk myself out of spending most of my money... like tonight. I got a shirt. YAY! It’s a cute shirt and I did not go spend our whole savings on the rest of the store. So tonight is a victory!!
Although, I should change the title... shopping is my drug!
PS... For those who are curious, the boutiques name is SexyModest Boutique in American Fork, Utah. Hope you enjoy it as much or more than I did!
What is wrong with me?!?! It’s like a monster takes over and I can not control myself. I am aching to go back and buy those jeans or maybe even a couple pair of jeans! How fun would that be!! Of course I would have to return them, because bills being paid has to take precedence... right?!?! I did end up buying a shirt... a completely beautiful shirt and I will love it forever... well, until the next best thing comes along!
And isn’t that how it always work. I mean really... shopping is my therapy but it is never ending. I spend, take home, enjoy for five minutes and then I am on to the next cute shirt. It is almost like a drug. I have to get my fix, but then I have to go back for more and more and more and before I know it I am in debt. Then I NEED more therapy! Well, geez SHOPPING did not solve a thing.
Okay, so I am not that bad, any more. However, I used to be really bad. I could never save. If I had money in my pocket it was spent fast and efficiently. It was like it was burning a hole in my pocket. My sweet friends who know me so well, will remember these days! I had no problem putting a great pair of jeans ahead of my cell phone bill or my electricity bill. Who cares if they got turned off... I will just call and beg them to work with me and it will all work out and I will get to keep the great pair of jeans! But then something else even better comes along... and the circle of life continues.
Any ways, I have learned to control those urges for the most part... but every once and a while this thing goes off in my head and all self-control goes out the window or the door or the chimney, wherever I can toss it! By the time I get to the store I can some times talk myself out of spending any money and other times I can MOSTLY talk myself out of spending most of my money... like tonight. I got a shirt. YAY! It’s a cute shirt and I did not go spend our whole savings on the rest of the store. So tonight is a victory!!
Although, I should change the title... shopping is my drug!
PS... For those who are curious, the boutiques name is SexyModest Boutique in American Fork, Utah. Hope you enjoy it as much or more than I did!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A time to heal... a time to begin a new journey...
When I got divorced I was so blessed to have the family and friends that I have. They were there for me 100%. It was a very trying time for my soul and pride and it was reassuring to know I had such wonderful people in my life. My ex was on probation and had to take random drug tests. He was determined to stay clean and fix his life. He was very angry at me for what I had said to him, but in my eyes, I had not choice. This was MY time. He got to respect that whether he wanted to or not. He began taking the kids every other weekend and used that time to fix the pain he stirred up in them. My son was too young to remember, but my daughter deserved reassurance from her daddy that everything was okay and HE was okay. I believe he knew how important it was and I respect him for standing up, when he could barely hold himself up and being a great dad to his kids. This is him with the kids, the Easter after our divorce...
When my kids were at their grand-parents house with their dad for the weekend, I would usually go stay with one of my close friends who lived in the city. She showed me how to smile again. She gave me the courage to have fun again and laugh again. We had so much fun during those weekends. We danced, we drank and we played all weekend long. I was able to reconnect with her and other friends from high school. I was also able to make other great friends. It was a time I will never forget. I was able to find some peace with myself and I thank all the wonderful people who came into my life during this period for being a light to me.
I did not attend church during this period of my life and at this point it was okay. I had some things I deserved to go through and it included some very strong ah-ha moments, which will eventually lead me to the path I am on today. In my church, they appoint two women to visit teach the other women in their area. My visiting teachers came regularly and I listened to their messages and appreciated their efforts. They were great women and they spent a lot of time caring for me.
I dated during this time and I met a lot of great men and a lot more NOT so great men. I had men who lied to me and I had men who would take a bullet for me. I learned a lot from each one of them and I learned to trust again. It was nice to talk to a man again about life and issues in the world that did not pertain to drugs or lying or stealing. I really enjoyed these moments and I enjoyed finding myself again. It was EXTREMELY nice to smile and laugh again! I owe a huge THANK YOU to all my dear friends who were there for me during this time. They were a great blessing in my life and I feel so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I know I said about the same thing a minute ago, but it seems important to mention it again. They were my light! These are my angel friends (I'm in the middle)...
I spent the next year after my divorce pulling myself out of the dark hole I had been in. I spent a lot of time with my kids and they were lights in my life as well. My two sweeties! They are so precious to me and I know I was the lucky one when God chose them to be a part of my life. I know they were confused at first when their dad no longer could stay at our house any more, but I think they liked NOT having the contention and the fighting and the crying around.
I had my ups and downs that first year. I compared a lot of the men I dated to my ex-husband. Of course not the bad parts, but his good parts were really good and I had a hard time if a man did not have those good parts. When my ex was not strung out on drugs, he was a romantic and he treated me with the utmost respect. He treated his mom and dad and grand-parents respectfully. He would pull over whenever anyone needed a hand and he would give the shirt off his back to someone in more need. He was always thinking of others and that is why I had fell in love with him in the first place. He was generous, kind, tolerant and a gentleman. When he was not on drugs that was the person he was. That is why it was so hard to tell him no. He was so sweet and gentle and he could calm me down just by the touch of his hand on mine. So... these men were having a hard time measuring up to his standards. Why was I having such a hard time remembering the bad moments? It was annoying and I knew I needed more time. I decided not to date any one seriously and to just enjoy my kids, my friends and my family.
Sadly, my healing had never really began. I thought it did because I was happy again. However, I learned how wrong I was on the weekend of the 4th of July 2004. I’m not going to go into details, but I made a choice and it turned out VERY badly. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed with my decision. I felt so much sorrow it hurt down to my very soul. I did not know what to call it back then, but recently someone else described it perfectly. I was experiencing Godly sorrow. I was so regretful for my actions that I felt it in every fiber of my being. I cried for days on end and I prayed non-stop for forgiveness and comfort. On that day, the 4th of July I called the bishop of my church (I had only met him once before) and asked if I could speak to him. He told me I could come in that evening. He was the kindest man and he made me feel comfortable and protected as I poured my sins and regrets out on his table. I never wanted to feel the way I did that day, again. It was truly the strongest sorrow I have ever felt. He told me, he was there to lift those burdens for me and hold onto them while I went through the repentance process. I don’t know what it was, but when he told me that I felt so much peace and comfort. I was still feeling the sorrow, but I knew right then everything would work out for the better. I had to remember who I was. Why had I forgotten? Why had I allowed all those years of my ex breaking me down to dim the light inside of me. I knew who I was! I knew the worth of my spirit! Why had I allowed myself to forget? Knowing what I had done to myself brought on more sorrow, but it was good. It allowed God back into my life. This sorrow allowed me to be humble again.
I am a stronger person for my life experiences. My ex-husband lowered his light so I could learn a valuable lesson and I am thankful for that. He was a great man, regardless of his bad choices. I know there are so many people out there that think drug addicts are horrible people, but they mostly aren’t. They are dads, brothers, sons, uncles, grandsons, etc. and someone out there loves them. I know my ex’s parents taught him great values and morals and his choices did not come from anything his parents did. Unfortunately he got mixed up with the wrong people and he could not save himself. He was a man who loved many and hurt many... The day he died was hard for a lot of people including myself. My kids were heart broken and his mom was horribly pained. I will never forget her face or my kids faces that day I drove up to his parents house. He could not save himself, at least not down here. My ex died on August 21, 2005. He died from an overdose of an 8-ball. He had been clean for two years and all it took was one time doing the same amount of drugs he had done 2 years before and it killed him. It was the call I dreaded for the last three years of our marriage and I got it when I least expected it. My ex loved my kids so much. He loved being their dad and he loved being a part of their lives despite the choices he had made. I knew when he died my kids would most likely never feel the fatherly love they had felt from their dad again. It broke my heart to see them miss him so much and cry every single night and day. It was a pain I could not fix, it was a pain I could not make go away, I had to let time heal their wounds. I got to be their rock, just like my mom and dad were mine.
So... here is to all those families who love an addict... here is to all the women and men who stand up to the abusers in their lives... here is to all the people who have lost someone because of bad choices... here is to all the people who had someone lower their light so they could learn a valuable lesson in their lives... and here is to all the people who light the lives of others so they can see the righteous path...
Thank you for reading my story. I have many more to write and I hope you all continue to check back often to see what is being talked about. This part of my story was a bit serious, but I promise they will not all be this way. I love to write and I have so many things to share with others. So, until next time! Love and light to all of you!
When my kids were at their grand-parents house with their dad for the weekend, I would usually go stay with one of my close friends who lived in the city. She showed me how to smile again. She gave me the courage to have fun again and laugh again. We had so much fun during those weekends. We danced, we drank and we played all weekend long. I was able to reconnect with her and other friends from high school. I was also able to make other great friends. It was a time I will never forget. I was able to find some peace with myself and I thank all the wonderful people who came into my life during this period for being a light to me.
I did not attend church during this period of my life and at this point it was okay. I had some things I deserved to go through and it included some very strong ah-ha moments, which will eventually lead me to the path I am on today. In my church, they appoint two women to visit teach the other women in their area. My visiting teachers came regularly and I listened to their messages and appreciated their efforts. They were great women and they spent a lot of time caring for me.
I dated during this time and I met a lot of great men and a lot more NOT so great men. I had men who lied to me and I had men who would take a bullet for me. I learned a lot from each one of them and I learned to trust again. It was nice to talk to a man again about life and issues in the world that did not pertain to drugs or lying or stealing. I really enjoyed these moments and I enjoyed finding myself again. It was EXTREMELY nice to smile and laugh again! I owe a huge THANK YOU to all my dear friends who were there for me during this time. They were a great blessing in my life and I feel so much gratitude for their presence in my life. I know I said about the same thing a minute ago, but it seems important to mention it again. They were my light! These are my angel friends (I'm in the middle)...
I spent the next year after my divorce pulling myself out of the dark hole I had been in. I spent a lot of time with my kids and they were lights in my life as well. My two sweeties! They are so precious to me and I know I was the lucky one when God chose them to be a part of my life. I know they were confused at first when their dad no longer could stay at our house any more, but I think they liked NOT having the contention and the fighting and the crying around.
I had my ups and downs that first year. I compared a lot of the men I dated to my ex-husband. Of course not the bad parts, but his good parts were really good and I had a hard time if a man did not have those good parts. When my ex was not strung out on drugs, he was a romantic and he treated me with the utmost respect. He treated his mom and dad and grand-parents respectfully. He would pull over whenever anyone needed a hand and he would give the shirt off his back to someone in more need. He was always thinking of others and that is why I had fell in love with him in the first place. He was generous, kind, tolerant and a gentleman. When he was not on drugs that was the person he was. That is why it was so hard to tell him no. He was so sweet and gentle and he could calm me down just by the touch of his hand on mine. So... these men were having a hard time measuring up to his standards. Why was I having such a hard time remembering the bad moments? It was annoying and I knew I needed more time. I decided not to date any one seriously and to just enjoy my kids, my friends and my family.
Sadly, my healing had never really began. I thought it did because I was happy again. However, I learned how wrong I was on the weekend of the 4th of July 2004. I’m not going to go into details, but I made a choice and it turned out VERY badly. I was so ashamed and so embarrassed with my decision. I felt so much sorrow it hurt down to my very soul. I did not know what to call it back then, but recently someone else described it perfectly. I was experiencing Godly sorrow. I was so regretful for my actions that I felt it in every fiber of my being. I cried for days on end and I prayed non-stop for forgiveness and comfort. On that day, the 4th of July I called the bishop of my church (I had only met him once before) and asked if I could speak to him. He told me I could come in that evening. He was the kindest man and he made me feel comfortable and protected as I poured my sins and regrets out on his table. I never wanted to feel the way I did that day, again. It was truly the strongest sorrow I have ever felt. He told me, he was there to lift those burdens for me and hold onto them while I went through the repentance process. I don’t know what it was, but when he told me that I felt so much peace and comfort. I was still feeling the sorrow, but I knew right then everything would work out for the better. I had to remember who I was. Why had I forgotten? Why had I allowed all those years of my ex breaking me down to dim the light inside of me. I knew who I was! I knew the worth of my spirit! Why had I allowed myself to forget? Knowing what I had done to myself brought on more sorrow, but it was good. It allowed God back into my life. This sorrow allowed me to be humble again.
I am a stronger person for my life experiences. My ex-husband lowered his light so I could learn a valuable lesson and I am thankful for that. He was a great man, regardless of his bad choices. I know there are so many people out there that think drug addicts are horrible people, but they mostly aren’t. They are dads, brothers, sons, uncles, grandsons, etc. and someone out there loves them. I know my ex’s parents taught him great values and morals and his choices did not come from anything his parents did. Unfortunately he got mixed up with the wrong people and he could not save himself. He was a man who loved many and hurt many... The day he died was hard for a lot of people including myself. My kids were heart broken and his mom was horribly pained. I will never forget her face or my kids faces that day I drove up to his parents house. He could not save himself, at least not down here. My ex died on August 21, 2005. He died from an overdose of an 8-ball. He had been clean for two years and all it took was one time doing the same amount of drugs he had done 2 years before and it killed him. It was the call I dreaded for the last three years of our marriage and I got it when I least expected it. My ex loved my kids so much. He loved being their dad and he loved being a part of their lives despite the choices he had made. I knew when he died my kids would most likely never feel the fatherly love they had felt from their dad again. It broke my heart to see them miss him so much and cry every single night and day. It was a pain I could not fix, it was a pain I could not make go away, I had to let time heal their wounds. I got to be their rock, just like my mom and dad were mine.
So... here is to all those families who love an addict... here is to all the women and men who stand up to the abusers in their lives... here is to all the people who have lost someone because of bad choices... here is to all the people who had someone lower their light so they could learn a valuable lesson in their lives... and here is to all the people who light the lives of others so they can see the righteous path...
Thank you for reading my story. I have many more to write and I hope you all continue to check back often to see what is being talked about. This part of my story was a bit serious, but I promise they will not all be this way. I love to write and I have so many things to share with others. So, until next time! Love and light to all of you!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Becoming free from an Addict
Living With An Addict - Part 1
Living With An Addict - Part 2
Living With An Addict - Part 3
Along with picking up items from my house and speaking to the landlord, I had many other things to do in order to protect myself, my kids and our future.
I was extremely overwhelmed with the amount of stuff needed to be taken care of and I had a melt down.
I called my mom from the side of the road, crying my eyes out . She calmed me down and asked me to tell her everything that needed to be done today. I gave her the list and afterwards she asked me where I was. I told her and she then gave me two things to get done. She told me after I was done with those two things I was to call her back and she would tell me the next two things to do.
It was amazing.
She put things in order of importance and location and by the end of the day I was complete. I KNOW I would have not made it through that day without my moms assistance.
I was lucky. I had a support group. I know there are many people out there who do not have a support group. They do not have someone who will be there in a moments notice to haul away there things and get them to a safe place. But it is still possible. I know there are many safe havens out there, many places to turn to and people WILL believe you, even when YOU don’t believe yourself any more.
I left my ex-husband the week of Halloween 2002.
Halloween was a hard day for me... Thanksgiving was even harder. I will never forget that day. I went to his families huge Thanksgiving dinner which was held at a church... I don’t even think I ate.
I cried a lot.
By the way, he was not there. He refused to come. He thought everyone would judge him. It was heart wrenching for myself, for my kids and for his family. He was a good person. We all knew it. We all wanted back the man he was without the drugs.
It was a painful and sad day, but we got through it.
Christmas came next.
By then he was being more civil. I had found a place to move into a week after I had left him. It was a 3 bedroom duplex that had become my safe haven. It was my place to heal. He asked if he could stay the night on Christmas Eve. I let him... it was hard and he did sleep on the couch and I did let myself trust him again long enough to have him be a part of the kids Christmas morning.
In the morning we played roles... I pretended my heart was not breaking and he did everything he could not to cry. We played with the kids and helped them open their gifts. It was a magical morning with heart ache in the air.
He only stayed for a little while. I can’t remember if we went to his sisters for brunch or not, but I do know he left some time that day and did not come back.
We were both in a lot of pain. He was “trying” to get clean on his own and I was “trying” to not let my love for him get in the way of my need to heal. I can not explain the grief I felt that day, but it was overwhelming and unforgettable.
My ex did a lot of bad things when he was on drugs. He got thrown in jail for many things... one of the times he asked me to come pick him up after he served his time. I told him I would bring a paper to sign. If he did not agree to my terms, I would not pick him up. I gave the paper to the guard and he gave it to my ex to sign.
The agreement was... He would not ask to come back to my place. He would immediately go up to a detox center in the city and he would check himself in. After the 10 days of detox he would check himself into a rehab and he would get himself clean.
He would not ask to come home until I was ready.
He would not ask to come home at all. He would wait until I asked him.
He signed this agreement. We got in the car and I drove him to get his clothes and then we drove straight up to the detox center. I dropped him off and then I left.
He called me every day.
On the 9th day he called and said he had been released. I told him there was no way. I had set everything up. They had told me he had to be there 10 days in order to be detoxed. I called the center up and they confirmed my fears. He had come up dirty in a drug test and had been kicked out.
When he called again I told him I was done. I was not coming up there to pick him up and he was not coming back to my house.
He then called his mom and I know this was extremely hard for her to do, but she did the same thing. He was now on his own.
Some how he got rides down from the city and then called his grandma and she picked him up. She brought him a blanket and took him to the rehab center near the jail. She dropped him off and he checked in.
I was proud of him for taking the initiative and finally realizing he had pushed us all too far. I agreed to go to some AA meetings down at the rehab. Everything seemed to be on the right track until about 12 days into it.
He called me up and told me his counselor wanted to speak to me. I drove down to the rehab and in his office the counselor and my ex bombarded me with all the reasons I should let him come home. They said he would still come to rehab but he would not “need” to stay there full-time.
I told him that was a bunch off BS. I knew him better than anyone and I knew he deserved to be in-house rehab. They continued to tell me how I was wrong and they were right and eventually they wore me down.
I was still weak. I had not found my strength or my voice and they used that to their advantage. I was NOT ready for him to come home. But I agreed anyway.
He came back to my place and the next 6 weeks were stressful, but very happy at the same time. He was my husband again, the man I had married, the man who had sworn his life to me.
For those 6 weeks I felt protected and happy again.
That’s why when it ended it was even that much harder on me. I came home from work one day and I knew before he even spoke... he had used. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I demanded he take a pee test (the rehab had given me a few). He refused at first, but eventually took it and raced into our bedroom. I noticed he had some clear liquid in it before he went into the bathroom. He would not let me see and when I looked away for a split second I saw him spill it onto the floor. I walked over to where he was standing and sure enough the floor was turning a yellow color (the carpet was green).
He had put bleach into it. I asked him to leave. I took his key from him before he left and that was it. I was back to square one. A little bit stronger, but still broken.
Life got crazy after that.
I never saw my ex. He would not come around. His parents did not see him either. He had become lost.
I cried every day and night. I was so worried about him. I did not want to get the call of him being dead.
My daugter caught me on quite a few occasions sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out. It was hard.
He had been seen with a girl from the rehab. Her name was Kimmy.
I hated her.
I hated him for being with her.
One time I decided to call his voicemail and listen to his messages. I had to know what was going on. Lo and behold, there was a message from her. The message was at 1 in the morning... She wanted to know where he was and she missed him and could not wait until he came back.
It was like a knife cut through my heart and then cut again and again and again. I cried all night long. I had lost him. There was no chance anymore.
The moment that ended everything happened in May 2003.
He broke into my house and left my side door barely hanging on the top hinge. He stole my $1000 camera. As soon as I drove into my carport and saw the door hanging open, I knew who had done it and what he had been after.
He already pawned off our bikes, our two lawn mowers, tools and various other things. I called him up and he said I would have to take care of it. I asked him to bring back the camera, but he told me he did not have it.
I called my dad and told him what happened. He came up to my house and was there with me when the police got there. They told me they could not do anything because we were still married. He had the RIGHT to break into my house because we were still married.
One of my neighbors nailed the door shut with some boards and the next day my dad paid for someone to come put in a steel door with a large peep hole. I can not thank my parents enough. They did not desert me when I needed them the most. They did not lecture me and they did not say anything bad about my ex. All they did was give me what I needed and made sure I was taken care of.
My ex had failed at taking care of us, so my parents took it upon themselves to be there as my rock.
He got arrested that night and his dad and I found his truck on the side of the road where he got arrested. We looked through it and I found the pawn shop receipt for my camera. We also found needles... it was hard to see that. His dad found some tools that he had been missing.
It was hard on both of us...
I filed for divorce.
During that time my ex had to go to court for credit card fraud. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and mandatory drug rehab afterwards.
During his jail time we got all the paper work done. When I went into our bank to have all the papers notarized the lady who knew both my husband and I, looked at me and said, It’s about time. They knew what he had been doing. They had many encounters with him and they had known a lot of what I had to put up with.
She was happy to sign those papers.
The day could not come fast enough.
I needed to be free.
I DESERVED to be free.
I did not want him to be my “problem” any more. I hate to say it that way, but that is exactly how I felt. I loved him so much, but he had worn me down and I deserved to heal without worrying about his life any more.
The day the divorce became final I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
It was over.
Now to go back to those six weeks where he was clean... my ex told me everything at that point. At least everything I could remember to ask him or he could remember to tell me.
He admitted to doing meth before we were even married. He said he had only done it a few times, but he had definitely been doing drugs even longer than I had thought.
He had started in his first marriage when his employer had gotten him to do Oxycontin with her. He was hooked and that was why they got a divorce and why he lost the rights to his two children.
He said he did do drugs a lot at our old house, but he had not started shooting up with heroin until later into the second year of our marriage.
He admitted to smoking the cocaine in our duplex and to doing meth inside the shed.
He also admitted to all the needles our landlord found buried in the yard.
He admitted to loosening a wire on our car so it would not start the day of our daughters dance concert. He did it because he did not want to go. He wanted to go get high instead.
He admitted to having drugs in his pocket the day he kicked me and the day I caught him in the shed.
He admitted to putting white out on my phone so I could not call him.
He told me I WAS NOT crazy and that I had been right all along.
While he was in jail, I asked him about Kimmy and he admitted to hanging out with her, but nothing else. He said he had been using her. To this day I do not believe him, but it does not matter any more. It is what it is and I have moved on with my life.
I wrote him a letter in jail that I probably should not have.
I told him that I did not want him to move back in with me. I told him I did not love him like a husband any more. I told him I was done completely. I told him I needed time away from him... a long time away from him. I told him he could not pressure me any more and that I need time to heal. I told him he needed to respect that time and if time did heal my wounds, maybe then we could talk about remarriage. I told him to not expect it for at least a year AFTER he got out of jail.
I said a lot in this letter and a lot of it was blunt and hurtful. I did not know any other way then to do it that way. Every time I sugar coated how I felt he was able to talk me back into doing things his way. I could not do that any more.
I had to let him go and he HAD to let me go.
When he read the letter, the jail had to put him on suicide watch. It killed me to find that out, but I had to tell him straight. It was my time to heal. He had already taken so much of my heart and soul...
I had nothing else to give him. His mom was very angry for what I did and I do not blame her. I would be very mad as well, but I hope she knows I did not do it to hurt him.
I did it to heal me.
So our marriage ended and my ex got out of jail early for good behavior and regardless of what I said in the letter he still attempted to get back into my life immediately.
I stood my ground and I lied through my teeth... I told him I did not love him any more.
At this point I had no other options. He would NOT stop. He was so self-absorbed he could not see that this was my time. I cried when he left that day, but it was one of the last times I cried over our marriage and life together.
I finally got my time to heal...
So... I have more to say. I will post one or two more posts on this long story!
I want everyone to know what kind of person he was when he was NOT on drugs. I want everyone to know what happened to my life. I want everyone to know how his life turned out.
Please come back soon to hear the next phase of our lives... apart. And if you get a chance become a follower.
Love and light to everyone!
Living With An Addict - Part 2
Living With An Addict - Part 3
Along with picking up items from my house and speaking to the landlord, I had many other things to do in order to protect myself, my kids and our future.
I was extremely overwhelmed with the amount of stuff needed to be taken care of and I had a melt down.
I called my mom from the side of the road, crying my eyes out . She calmed me down and asked me to tell her everything that needed to be done today. I gave her the list and afterwards she asked me where I was. I told her and she then gave me two things to get done. She told me after I was done with those two things I was to call her back and she would tell me the next two things to do.
It was amazing.
She put things in order of importance and location and by the end of the day I was complete. I KNOW I would have not made it through that day without my moms assistance.
I was lucky. I had a support group. I know there are many people out there who do not have a support group. They do not have someone who will be there in a moments notice to haul away there things and get them to a safe place. But it is still possible. I know there are many safe havens out there, many places to turn to and people WILL believe you, even when YOU don’t believe yourself any more.
I left my ex-husband the week of Halloween 2002.
Halloween was a hard day for me... Thanksgiving was even harder. I will never forget that day. I went to his families huge Thanksgiving dinner which was held at a church... I don’t even think I ate.
I cried a lot.
By the way, he was not there. He refused to come. He thought everyone would judge him. It was heart wrenching for myself, for my kids and for his family. He was a good person. We all knew it. We all wanted back the man he was without the drugs.
It was a painful and sad day, but we got through it.
Christmas came next.
By then he was being more civil. I had found a place to move into a week after I had left him. It was a 3 bedroom duplex that had become my safe haven. It was my place to heal. He asked if he could stay the night on Christmas Eve. I let him... it was hard and he did sleep on the couch and I did let myself trust him again long enough to have him be a part of the kids Christmas morning.
In the morning we played roles... I pretended my heart was not breaking and he did everything he could not to cry. We played with the kids and helped them open their gifts. It was a magical morning with heart ache in the air.
He only stayed for a little while. I can’t remember if we went to his sisters for brunch or not, but I do know he left some time that day and did not come back.
We were both in a lot of pain. He was “trying” to get clean on his own and I was “trying” to not let my love for him get in the way of my need to heal. I can not explain the grief I felt that day, but it was overwhelming and unforgettable.
My ex did a lot of bad things when he was on drugs. He got thrown in jail for many things... one of the times he asked me to come pick him up after he served his time. I told him I would bring a paper to sign. If he did not agree to my terms, I would not pick him up. I gave the paper to the guard and he gave it to my ex to sign.
The agreement was... He would not ask to come back to my place. He would immediately go up to a detox center in the city and he would check himself in. After the 10 days of detox he would check himself into a rehab and he would get himself clean.
He would not ask to come home until I was ready.
He would not ask to come home at all. He would wait until I asked him.
He signed this agreement. We got in the car and I drove him to get his clothes and then we drove straight up to the detox center. I dropped him off and then I left.
He called me every day.
On the 9th day he called and said he had been released. I told him there was no way. I had set everything up. They had told me he had to be there 10 days in order to be detoxed. I called the center up and they confirmed my fears. He had come up dirty in a drug test and had been kicked out.
When he called again I told him I was done. I was not coming up there to pick him up and he was not coming back to my house.
He then called his mom and I know this was extremely hard for her to do, but she did the same thing. He was now on his own.
Some how he got rides down from the city and then called his grandma and she picked him up. She brought him a blanket and took him to the rehab center near the jail. She dropped him off and he checked in.
I was proud of him for taking the initiative and finally realizing he had pushed us all too far. I agreed to go to some AA meetings down at the rehab. Everything seemed to be on the right track until about 12 days into it.
He called me up and told me his counselor wanted to speak to me. I drove down to the rehab and in his office the counselor and my ex bombarded me with all the reasons I should let him come home. They said he would still come to rehab but he would not “need” to stay there full-time.
I told him that was a bunch off BS. I knew him better than anyone and I knew he deserved to be in-house rehab. They continued to tell me how I was wrong and they were right and eventually they wore me down.
I was still weak. I had not found my strength or my voice and they used that to their advantage. I was NOT ready for him to come home. But I agreed anyway.
He came back to my place and the next 6 weeks were stressful, but very happy at the same time. He was my husband again, the man I had married, the man who had sworn his life to me.
For those 6 weeks I felt protected and happy again.
That’s why when it ended it was even that much harder on me. I came home from work one day and I knew before he even spoke... he had used. I could feel my heart breaking all over again. I demanded he take a pee test (the rehab had given me a few). He refused at first, but eventually took it and raced into our bedroom. I noticed he had some clear liquid in it before he went into the bathroom. He would not let me see and when I looked away for a split second I saw him spill it onto the floor. I walked over to where he was standing and sure enough the floor was turning a yellow color (the carpet was green).
He had put bleach into it. I asked him to leave. I took his key from him before he left and that was it. I was back to square one. A little bit stronger, but still broken.
Life got crazy after that.
I never saw my ex. He would not come around. His parents did not see him either. He had become lost.
I cried every day and night. I was so worried about him. I did not want to get the call of him being dead.
My daugter caught me on quite a few occasions sitting on the kitchen floor crying my eyes out. It was hard.
He had been seen with a girl from the rehab. Her name was Kimmy.
I hated her.
I hated him for being with her.
One time I decided to call his voicemail and listen to his messages. I had to know what was going on. Lo and behold, there was a message from her. The message was at 1 in the morning... She wanted to know where he was and she missed him and could not wait until he came back.
It was like a knife cut through my heart and then cut again and again and again. I cried all night long. I had lost him. There was no chance anymore.
The moment that ended everything happened in May 2003.
He broke into my house and left my side door barely hanging on the top hinge. He stole my $1000 camera. As soon as I drove into my carport and saw the door hanging open, I knew who had done it and what he had been after.
He already pawned off our bikes, our two lawn mowers, tools and various other things. I called him up and he said I would have to take care of it. I asked him to bring back the camera, but he told me he did not have it.
I called my dad and told him what happened. He came up to my house and was there with me when the police got there. They told me they could not do anything because we were still married. He had the RIGHT to break into my house because we were still married.
One of my neighbors nailed the door shut with some boards and the next day my dad paid for someone to come put in a steel door with a large peep hole. I can not thank my parents enough. They did not desert me when I needed them the most. They did not lecture me and they did not say anything bad about my ex. All they did was give me what I needed and made sure I was taken care of.
My ex had failed at taking care of us, so my parents took it upon themselves to be there as my rock.
He got arrested that night and his dad and I found his truck on the side of the road where he got arrested. We looked through it and I found the pawn shop receipt for my camera. We also found needles... it was hard to see that. His dad found some tools that he had been missing.
It was hard on both of us...
I filed for divorce.
During that time my ex had to go to court for credit card fraud. He was sentenced to 90 days in jail and mandatory drug rehab afterwards.
During his jail time we got all the paper work done. When I went into our bank to have all the papers notarized the lady who knew both my husband and I, looked at me and said, It’s about time. They knew what he had been doing. They had many encounters with him and they had known a lot of what I had to put up with.
She was happy to sign those papers.
The day could not come fast enough.
I needed to be free.
I DESERVED to be free.
I did not want him to be my “problem” any more. I hate to say it that way, but that is exactly how I felt. I loved him so much, but he had worn me down and I deserved to heal without worrying about his life any more.
The day the divorce became final I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
It was over.
Now to go back to those six weeks where he was clean... my ex told me everything at that point. At least everything I could remember to ask him or he could remember to tell me.
He admitted to doing meth before we were even married. He said he had only done it a few times, but he had definitely been doing drugs even longer than I had thought.
He had started in his first marriage when his employer had gotten him to do Oxycontin with her. He was hooked and that was why they got a divorce and why he lost the rights to his two children.
He said he did do drugs a lot at our old house, but he had not started shooting up with heroin until later into the second year of our marriage.
He admitted to smoking the cocaine in our duplex and to doing meth inside the shed.
He also admitted to all the needles our landlord found buried in the yard.
He admitted to loosening a wire on our car so it would not start the day of our daughters dance concert. He did it because he did not want to go. He wanted to go get high instead.
He admitted to having drugs in his pocket the day he kicked me and the day I caught him in the shed.
He admitted to putting white out on my phone so I could not call him.
He told me I WAS NOT crazy and that I had been right all along.
While he was in jail, I asked him about Kimmy and he admitted to hanging out with her, but nothing else. He said he had been using her. To this day I do not believe him, but it does not matter any more. It is what it is and I have moved on with my life.
I wrote him a letter in jail that I probably should not have.
I told him that I did not want him to move back in with me. I told him I did not love him like a husband any more. I told him I was done completely. I told him I needed time away from him... a long time away from him. I told him he could not pressure me any more and that I need time to heal. I told him he needed to respect that time and if time did heal my wounds, maybe then we could talk about remarriage. I told him to not expect it for at least a year AFTER he got out of jail.
I said a lot in this letter and a lot of it was blunt and hurtful. I did not know any other way then to do it that way. Every time I sugar coated how I felt he was able to talk me back into doing things his way. I could not do that any more.
I had to let him go and he HAD to let me go.
When he read the letter, the jail had to put him on suicide watch. It killed me to find that out, but I had to tell him straight. It was my time to heal. He had already taken so much of my heart and soul...
I had nothing else to give him. His mom was very angry for what I did and I do not blame her. I would be very mad as well, but I hope she knows I did not do it to hurt him.
I did it to heal me.
So our marriage ended and my ex got out of jail early for good behavior and regardless of what I said in the letter he still attempted to get back into my life immediately.
I stood my ground and I lied through my teeth... I told him I did not love him any more.
At this point I had no other options. He would NOT stop. He was so self-absorbed he could not see that this was my time. I cried when he left that day, but it was one of the last times I cried over our marriage and life together.
I finally got my time to heal...
So... I have more to say. I will post one or two more posts on this long story!
I want everyone to know what kind of person he was when he was NOT on drugs. I want everyone to know what happened to my life. I want everyone to know how his life turned out.
Please come back soon to hear the next phase of our lives... apart. And if you get a chance become a follower.
Love and light to everyone!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Living with an Addict - Part 3
Living With An Addict - Part 1
Living With An Addict - Part 2
It was the Spring of 2002 we moved into the duplex.
It was nice to just be back on our feet again.
My ex-husband was working and the money was coming in regularly. In fact, he was making quite a bit of money. I figured we could get out of debt with all the collection agencies and pay back our family within the next couple of years.
We started to attend church again and it seemed my ex was pulling himself out of the grip of drugs. His friends were coming around when I was there and awake, instead of sneaking around. I thought that maybe he was finding the strength to part from his addiction.
Sadly it was all a facade. I believe he was trying hard, but I know it was not long after we moved he was using again or using often enough for me to notice his behavior changes. It was small changes again, but they progressed a lot quicker this time.
He began disappearing again and crashing heavily almost every Sunday. Some times I could not even wake him up.
I was at a lose. I had thought he was doing so well and I had been encouraging him with everything I could give him. I wanted him to beat this. It was killing me to see it start all over again.
I remember a couple of distinct incidents during this time...
We went on a date!
It was nice to get a babysitter and get out together. It felt like when we were dating. I remember we went out to eat to Red Robin and then went to see the new Star Wars movie. After we got home I paid the babysitter and went upstairs to take out my contacts and put on my glasses. I came back downstairs to find my ex-husband. The bathroom door was closed.
I did not think anything of it until I smelled a strange odor. It was not strong, but when I walked by the bathroom door the smell was more powerful.
I did not even knock... I already knew what was going on.
When I walked into the bathroom my ex-husband was sitting on the toilet seat with the cat in his lap and his other hand behind his back. There was smoke rising up behind him... I walked over to him and asked him to hand it to me.
He said he did not have anything. I asked him why there was smoke rising up behind him and there was a strange smell coming from the smoke. He claimed he had burned the cat. I looked at the cat who was just sitting on the ground at this time. He was fine.
I asked my ex why the smoke was coming up from behind him and not from the cat. He called me crazy and told me I did not know what I was talking about. During his rant I started to get sick from the smoke and I had to get out of there.
I moved out of the bathroom and after I walked out, my ex shut the door. I did see what looked like a small cigar, but I never got a good look at it.
I grabbed the cat and looked all over her. There were no burn marks, no scars, nothing. She seemed a little agitated, but I figure it was for the same reason I felt strange. We had both inhaled whatever he had been smoking.
A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom. I told him to leave. He argued with me and said I was crazy and that I should feel stupid for throwing him out just because he burned the cat.
He left after he said a few more very hurtful things.
The next day he came back. He continued to call me crazy. I asked him to show me on the cat where he had burned her. He grabbed the cat and moved her all around, actually searching for this so called burn mark.
He threw me a hateful glare and said I had fixed the burn mark to make it look as if she had not been burned. I could not believe it.
Why would I do such a thing? I wanted it to be true. I wanted this bad dream to disappear. Why would I want to set him up? But that was his story and he was sticking to it. He told his parents the same thing. I’m not sure if they believed him, but really it did not matter.
I was still alone and he knew it. He knew if he broke me down enough I would give in and let him come home. Which I did.
My daughter had her first dance concert up in the city at the end of spring time. We got all ready to go. My dad was driving up to attend it and was meeting us at our house.
My ex came into the house and told me the car would not start. He said he had tried everything and he could not figure it out. My dad pulled up and looked at it as well. He could not find the problem either. I did not want to bother my dad by putting all the car seats in his car, so I told him not to worry about it.
I was devastated, but my daughter was okay with it. She was only three at the time and she did not seem to care. I let it go.
Later I found out what had really happened.
We wanted to go to counseling. I had finally told my parents what was going on. However, I only told them the bare minimum. They supported us in getting help.
On the first day I came home from work early to find my ex’s truck in the driveway, but I could not find him. I looked all over the house, but he was no where to be found. We had a small shed in the back yard, so I got the key and went to look inside.
I already knew he was in there. He held the door shut. I kept asking him what was going on, but he would not say anything to me. It was as if he really thought I would believe he was not in there even though he pulled the door shut on me.
I called my dad and asked him what to do. He told me to call the police. So I did.
After I called them, he came out of the shed and told me I was crazy, again.
A great start to counseling.
He had something bulging in his pocket and I could tell he was high. He would not let me see what was in there and told me to get lost. I went into the house and he followed me a few minutes later. The police arrived not long after that. I told them everything that had been happening and he told them I was out of my mind.
They asked us how long we had been married and I told them four years. They looked straight at my ex and said, I think she knows you well enough to know if you are doing drugs.
I wanted to cry.
Someone believed me.
I was beginning to think I really was crazy. I heard him call me crazy so many times in the last couple of years that I was literally wondering if he was right. The police asked if I had any evidence. I said it had been in his pocket, but now it was gone. They told me they could not do anything but recommended we head to our counseling meeting and get this mess fixed.
They left and so did we, in separate cars. The counseling meeting did not go well.
We moved into the duplex next door to us about 3 months after we had moved to this neighborhood. It was slightly larger, with 3 bedrooms and a bigger master bedroom. The family room and kitchen were larger as well.
I was happy to move to something bigger.
We got most of the stuff moved over in one day. I fell asleep that night while my ex was downstairs with his friends. I woke up to complete silence. When I walked downstairs I found it deserted. I went outside to look for my ex and could not see him. His truck was not there but I knew his friend had asked to borrow it. I was afraid he had gotten locked outside and had gone back to the other duplex.
Before I went over there I tried to call him from my cell phone. It would not turn on. I plugged it into charge and it still would not turn on. I was starting to panic.
What was going on? It really felt like a bad dream.
I walked over to the other duplex and went inside to use the landline. He would not answer his cell phone and he was not in the house. I walked around the yard and could not find him. I even looked inside the shed. He was no where to be found.
He had left again.
I went back into the new duplex and began pulling my phone apart. I happened to notice a white spot on the battery where the connectors were. I started scrapping at it and it came right off. I looked up on the counter and noticed a bottle of white out. He had put white out on the connectors so I could not call him.
I was devastated.
It was as if he hated me or at least the drugged up version of him did. My heart was breaking. I really felt so broken at that moment. It was a feeling I had become so familiar with over the past three years and it was heart wrenching.
It did not matter. He would come home and expect me to forgive him and life would continue on. He would call me crazy and I would believe him and he would get to continue on his destructive path.
He had worn me down and I felt it. I felt it through my entire being.
There were several other incidents over the next few months and one time was even very frightening to me. My ex came home and was behaving very strange. More strange then ever before.
It was during the day and my daughter immediately jumped in his arms. He looked like he was going to collapse. He sat down on the couch with my daughter on his lap. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to leave him alone. He kept closing his eyes and his head would fall to the side, then he would jerk it back up and look at me with these cold and almost unseeing eyes.
It was frightening.
I asked him again if he was okay.
He got jumpy and said he had to leave before “they” got to the house. I asked him who “they” was. He said something about the people who he had stolen the VCRs and stereos from. He was really in and out at this point. My daughter was even getting scared.
I told him he should go lay down. He got edgy again and said he had to leave because “they” were coming after him. I don’t think he knew who he was talking to. I finally told him he was scaring his daughter and that he needed to go lay down. He looked at her, like he was seeing her for the first time. He stood up with her in his arms and walked upstairs (with me right behind him).
When he got to the bed he handed her to me and then laid down and was instantly asleep. He did not remember a thing when he woke up... Or so he said.
He never had hurt me. Until the day I surprised him. I came home one day, without the kids, and found him doing something in the bathroom. He was caught off guard and quickly slipped something bulky in his pocket. I followed him up to our bedroom. We were yelling at each other and I wanted to know what was in his pocket. He would not let me near it. He said he was tired and he wanted me to leave him alone. He laid on the bed and I leaned over him and attempted to pull whatever was in his pocket out of it.
This is when he kicked me in the stomach, hard.
I flew backwards and hit the wall behind me. I remember not being able to breath and I remember he was next to me before I hit the ground. He grabbed me. He was crying and saying sorry over and over and over again.
I pushed him away because I was trying to get a breath in. He thought I was being rude and got mad. He got mad at ME. I remember sitting on the ground gasping for that breath that finally came and looking at him with disbelief.
He had not only hurt me, he was getting mad at ME. I could not understand his mind. It was hopeless.
The man I loved was gone.
Many other things happened during this period, but if I wrote them all down you would be reading forever!
The turning point to this situation happened one night when his drug friends called me and said they were worried about him. They said he was out of control and doing stupid and crazy things. They wanted me to help him.
I could not help him any more. I was done. I was broken.
I called my parents up after wards. My dad said they would be up there with my brothers and some trucks and they would move us immediately. I called a friend as well. She came as well with her truck.
I got boxes and garbage sacks and I packed as fast as I could. We fit what we could fit into three trucks and my car and we left.
It was over. I could not do it any more. My kids were too important to me to let this garbage into their lives any more. They deserved stability and a mom who did not cry every single day. I moved everything into my parents that night. I left my ex a note and told him I would be back for the rest over the next few days.
I spoke to my land lord the next day... he lived across the street and had been suspecting something was going on for the last couple of months. He said it is not normal for someone to be outside in the middle of the night, pulling apart cars. He said he had watched my ex many times playing around with his truck in the middle of the night. He said he looked looney and strung up on something. He was never sure so he had never said anything, but after I told him I was moving out he knew that was the reason.
He also told me when I would leave for work in the morning, as soon as I pulled out of the cul-de-sac, two or three cars would pull into my driveway. He said there was always strange people hanging around when I was not there. He also said he had dug up a few needles from the yard of the old duplex.
He was putting everything together and I did not even have to say a word about my ex’s addictions.
My ex was not doing well the next day. He was very upset I had left with the kids. But he was also very strung out.
I picked up a lot of stuff that day and took it to my parents. My life with my ex-husband was not quite over at this time, but I was away from him now. I was no longer living with an addict.
I had a lot to do to protect myself and fix myself, but if you would like to hear the next part of my journey you will have to stay tuned. I will also post my ex-husbands confessions. Yes, he did eventually come clean with everything. It might be a few days before I get it all down and I might have to do it in two or three parts.
Thanks for reading this and please make sure you share with others. I am hoping my story will be there to encourage others to stand up for themselves despite how broken and lost they feel. It can be done.
Until next time... Peace and light!
Living With An Addict - Part 2
It was the Spring of 2002 we moved into the duplex.
It was nice to just be back on our feet again.
My ex-husband was working and the money was coming in regularly. In fact, he was making quite a bit of money. I figured we could get out of debt with all the collection agencies and pay back our family within the next couple of years.
We started to attend church again and it seemed my ex was pulling himself out of the grip of drugs. His friends were coming around when I was there and awake, instead of sneaking around. I thought that maybe he was finding the strength to part from his addiction.
Sadly it was all a facade. I believe he was trying hard, but I know it was not long after we moved he was using again or using often enough for me to notice his behavior changes. It was small changes again, but they progressed a lot quicker this time.
He began disappearing again and crashing heavily almost every Sunday. Some times I could not even wake him up.
I was at a lose. I had thought he was doing so well and I had been encouraging him with everything I could give him. I wanted him to beat this. It was killing me to see it start all over again.
I remember a couple of distinct incidents during this time...
We went on a date!
It was nice to get a babysitter and get out together. It felt like when we were dating. I remember we went out to eat to Red Robin and then went to see the new Star Wars movie. After we got home I paid the babysitter and went upstairs to take out my contacts and put on my glasses. I came back downstairs to find my ex-husband. The bathroom door was closed.
I did not think anything of it until I smelled a strange odor. It was not strong, but when I walked by the bathroom door the smell was more powerful.
I did not even knock... I already knew what was going on.
When I walked into the bathroom my ex-husband was sitting on the toilet seat with the cat in his lap and his other hand behind his back. There was smoke rising up behind him... I walked over to him and asked him to hand it to me.
He said he did not have anything. I asked him why there was smoke rising up behind him and there was a strange smell coming from the smoke. He claimed he had burned the cat. I looked at the cat who was just sitting on the ground at this time. He was fine.
I asked my ex why the smoke was coming up from behind him and not from the cat. He called me crazy and told me I did not know what I was talking about. During his rant I started to get sick from the smoke and I had to get out of there.
I moved out of the bathroom and after I walked out, my ex shut the door. I did see what looked like a small cigar, but I never got a good look at it.
I grabbed the cat and looked all over her. There were no burn marks, no scars, nothing. She seemed a little agitated, but I figure it was for the same reason I felt strange. We had both inhaled whatever he had been smoking.
A few minutes later he came out of the bathroom. I told him to leave. He argued with me and said I was crazy and that I should feel stupid for throwing him out just because he burned the cat.
He left after he said a few more very hurtful things.
The next day he came back. He continued to call me crazy. I asked him to show me on the cat where he had burned her. He grabbed the cat and moved her all around, actually searching for this so called burn mark.
He threw me a hateful glare and said I had fixed the burn mark to make it look as if she had not been burned. I could not believe it.
Why would I do such a thing? I wanted it to be true. I wanted this bad dream to disappear. Why would I want to set him up? But that was his story and he was sticking to it. He told his parents the same thing. I’m not sure if they believed him, but really it did not matter.
I was still alone and he knew it. He knew if he broke me down enough I would give in and let him come home. Which I did.
My daughter had her first dance concert up in the city at the end of spring time. We got all ready to go. My dad was driving up to attend it and was meeting us at our house.
My ex came into the house and told me the car would not start. He said he had tried everything and he could not figure it out. My dad pulled up and looked at it as well. He could not find the problem either. I did not want to bother my dad by putting all the car seats in his car, so I told him not to worry about it.
I was devastated, but my daughter was okay with it. She was only three at the time and she did not seem to care. I let it go.
Later I found out what had really happened.
We wanted to go to counseling. I had finally told my parents what was going on. However, I only told them the bare minimum. They supported us in getting help.
On the first day I came home from work early to find my ex’s truck in the driveway, but I could not find him. I looked all over the house, but he was no where to be found. We had a small shed in the back yard, so I got the key and went to look inside.
I already knew he was in there. He held the door shut. I kept asking him what was going on, but he would not say anything to me. It was as if he really thought I would believe he was not in there even though he pulled the door shut on me.
I called my dad and asked him what to do. He told me to call the police. So I did.
After I called them, he came out of the shed and told me I was crazy, again.
A great start to counseling.
He had something bulging in his pocket and I could tell he was high. He would not let me see what was in there and told me to get lost. I went into the house and he followed me a few minutes later. The police arrived not long after that. I told them everything that had been happening and he told them I was out of my mind.
They asked us how long we had been married and I told them four years. They looked straight at my ex and said, I think she knows you well enough to know if you are doing drugs.
I wanted to cry.
Someone believed me.
I was beginning to think I really was crazy. I heard him call me crazy so many times in the last couple of years that I was literally wondering if he was right. The police asked if I had any evidence. I said it had been in his pocket, but now it was gone. They told me they could not do anything but recommended we head to our counseling meeting and get this mess fixed.
They left and so did we, in separate cars. The counseling meeting did not go well.
We moved into the duplex next door to us about 3 months after we had moved to this neighborhood. It was slightly larger, with 3 bedrooms and a bigger master bedroom. The family room and kitchen were larger as well.
I was happy to move to something bigger.
We got most of the stuff moved over in one day. I fell asleep that night while my ex was downstairs with his friends. I woke up to complete silence. When I walked downstairs I found it deserted. I went outside to look for my ex and could not see him. His truck was not there but I knew his friend had asked to borrow it. I was afraid he had gotten locked outside and had gone back to the other duplex.
Before I went over there I tried to call him from my cell phone. It would not turn on. I plugged it into charge and it still would not turn on. I was starting to panic.
What was going on? It really felt like a bad dream.
I walked over to the other duplex and went inside to use the landline. He would not answer his cell phone and he was not in the house. I walked around the yard and could not find him. I even looked inside the shed. He was no where to be found.
He had left again.
I went back into the new duplex and began pulling my phone apart. I happened to notice a white spot on the battery where the connectors were. I started scrapping at it and it came right off. I looked up on the counter and noticed a bottle of white out. He had put white out on the connectors so I could not call him.
I was devastated.
It was as if he hated me or at least the drugged up version of him did. My heart was breaking. I really felt so broken at that moment. It was a feeling I had become so familiar with over the past three years and it was heart wrenching.
It did not matter. He would come home and expect me to forgive him and life would continue on. He would call me crazy and I would believe him and he would get to continue on his destructive path.
He had worn me down and I felt it. I felt it through my entire being.
There were several other incidents over the next few months and one time was even very frightening to me. My ex came home and was behaving very strange. More strange then ever before.
It was during the day and my daughter immediately jumped in his arms. He looked like he was going to collapse. He sat down on the couch with my daughter on his lap. I asked him if he was okay and he told me to leave him alone. He kept closing his eyes and his head would fall to the side, then he would jerk it back up and look at me with these cold and almost unseeing eyes.
It was frightening.
I asked him again if he was okay.
He got jumpy and said he had to leave before “they” got to the house. I asked him who “they” was. He said something about the people who he had stolen the VCRs and stereos from. He was really in and out at this point. My daughter was even getting scared.
I told him he should go lay down. He got edgy again and said he had to leave because “they” were coming after him. I don’t think he knew who he was talking to. I finally told him he was scaring his daughter and that he needed to go lay down. He looked at her, like he was seeing her for the first time. He stood up with her in his arms and walked upstairs (with me right behind him).
When he got to the bed he handed her to me and then laid down and was instantly asleep. He did not remember a thing when he woke up... Or so he said.
He never had hurt me. Until the day I surprised him. I came home one day, without the kids, and found him doing something in the bathroom. He was caught off guard and quickly slipped something bulky in his pocket. I followed him up to our bedroom. We were yelling at each other and I wanted to know what was in his pocket. He would not let me near it. He said he was tired and he wanted me to leave him alone. He laid on the bed and I leaned over him and attempted to pull whatever was in his pocket out of it.
This is when he kicked me in the stomach, hard.
I flew backwards and hit the wall behind me. I remember not being able to breath and I remember he was next to me before I hit the ground. He grabbed me. He was crying and saying sorry over and over and over again.
I pushed him away because I was trying to get a breath in. He thought I was being rude and got mad. He got mad at ME. I remember sitting on the ground gasping for that breath that finally came and looking at him with disbelief.
He had not only hurt me, he was getting mad at ME. I could not understand his mind. It was hopeless.
The man I loved was gone.
Many other things happened during this period, but if I wrote them all down you would be reading forever!
The turning point to this situation happened one night when his drug friends called me and said they were worried about him. They said he was out of control and doing stupid and crazy things. They wanted me to help him.
I could not help him any more. I was done. I was broken.
I called my parents up after wards. My dad said they would be up there with my brothers and some trucks and they would move us immediately. I called a friend as well. She came as well with her truck.
I got boxes and garbage sacks and I packed as fast as I could. We fit what we could fit into three trucks and my car and we left.
It was over. I could not do it any more. My kids were too important to me to let this garbage into their lives any more. They deserved stability and a mom who did not cry every single day. I moved everything into my parents that night. I left my ex a note and told him I would be back for the rest over the next few days.
I spoke to my land lord the next day... he lived across the street and had been suspecting something was going on for the last couple of months. He said it is not normal for someone to be outside in the middle of the night, pulling apart cars. He said he had watched my ex many times playing around with his truck in the middle of the night. He said he looked looney and strung up on something. He was never sure so he had never said anything, but after I told him I was moving out he knew that was the reason.
He also told me when I would leave for work in the morning, as soon as I pulled out of the cul-de-sac, two or three cars would pull into my driveway. He said there was always strange people hanging around when I was not there. He also said he had dug up a few needles from the yard of the old duplex.
He was putting everything together and I did not even have to say a word about my ex’s addictions.
My ex was not doing well the next day. He was very upset I had left with the kids. But he was also very strung out.
I picked up a lot of stuff that day and took it to my parents. My life with my ex-husband was not quite over at this time, but I was away from him now. I was no longer living with an addict.
I had a lot to do to protect myself and fix myself, but if you would like to hear the next part of my journey you will have to stay tuned. I will also post my ex-husbands confessions. Yes, he did eventually come clean with everything. It might be a few days before I get it all down and I might have to do it in two or three parts.
Thanks for reading this and please make sure you share with others. I am hoping my story will be there to encourage others to stand up for themselves despite how broken and lost they feel. It can be done.
Until next time... Peace and light!
Friday, October 22, 2010
Living with an Addict - Part 2
Part 1 - Living With An Addict - Part 1
The really bad seems a bit overwhelming when I look back. So much happened over the next few years and some times it is hard to sort in my head. However, there were a few incidents during those years that stand out more than others.
My ex-husband borrowed a large amount of money from his parents to put into another business with two other men. These men lived in different parts of the United States... one lived in Florida and I believe the other lived in Georgia.
These two men knew of my ex through other business ventures and they came to him. They wanted him to be a part of their team in this new business. To tell you the truth I cannot even remember which business it was... he tried out so many during our marriage and it is hard to remember them all. I do know it was some MLM and they needed the cash so they could buy leads.
My ex was a con. It is sad but very true. I do not know how many people he swindled out of their money, but I am sure there were many.
Eventually his two partners figured this out and kicked him out.
This period of events happened during our second year of marriage. We also became pregnant with our son. Just when I thought life was looking up, it came crashing back down on us.
These two men would not pay his parents back and they were furious about that.
Who could blame his parents?
My ex made it seem like it was these two men's fault and they were the ones swindling him out of the money. I had enough of his lies so I called them up myself. Wow, were there stories completely different. He had conned many of their leads out of money and did not deliver on the products. They had to kick him off the team because it was bad for their image and bad for the company. They did not feel like they owed the money to his parents and I could see why.
He had made his bed and now he got to sleep in it.
I could see a horrible pattern and it was really turning into a bad dream.
He was a wonderful salesman but he used the money up instead of giving them the product. He needed the money for all the drugs. I really did not know how deep he was in with the drugs, but shortly after our sons birth I found out.
It was a time I do not like to talk about or even remember. I will not go into too much detail for the safety of everyone involved, but I will give you a brief overview.
My ex was attacked by someone with a bat at a gas station while he was putting air in the car tires. He came home all banged up, but because he had seen the shadow of the guy behind him, he had moved just in the nick of time. If he had not they would have hit him in the head. He claimed they were trying to steal the car. I found out later they were going to kill him because of something he did...
I still do not know what the something was, but it must have been pretty big. It most likely was money or drugs. Is that not why most people kill other people these days?
The few days later, I called a friend from work...
This friend was so frightened as they told me the story of their last nights activities. This is where I will not go into too much detail.
To make it short... divine intervention was in play that night. The people who were wanting my ex dead were going to come kill him that night at our house. How my friend found this out is not important. What was important was that it was stopped because this person knew me.
They were going to come to my house... in fact they had been watching my house and they had been in my house. They had cut my telephone wires and they knew everything about us. They were the ones who had attacked him at the gas station.
I was sick... I had no idea what to do. I did not want to go back to my house... EVER!
I went to my mother-in-law immediately. She got me to calm down and she called my ex and had him come over. He told me my friend was crazy. I asked him how they knew the things they did including his attack at the gas station. He told lie after lie after lie. I knew I could not trust him. He had put my family and I in danger.
I wanted to tell my parents and leave him right then. He convinced me to stay. A great sales man. As many have told me, my ex could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. And I was scared, naive and not wanting my whole life to fall apart.
This all happened during our third year of marriage.
Another incident during our third year of marriage was the young woman who called me. She told me things about my ex that made me sick to stomach. Again. She said that he was a completely different person when he was not around me. She told me he stole from people and he did drugs right in my house and in my garage. She told me while I was sleeping up in the bedroom he was down in the garage doing drugs with all his buddies, including her. She said he had stolen her car and that was why she was calling me. She wanted her car back and she did not care if she threw him under the bus to get it.
What was I to say? I wanted to believe him. I wanted these things to stop happening. I wanted my life to be normal.
It was far from normal... I felt so hopeless and helpless. I had no where to turn.
His parents believed everything he said despite what I had told them.
I was scared to go to my parents, because I didn’t want my dad to go ballistic.
I could not talk to my friends.
The only one who had an idea of what was going on wanted nothing to do with it, out of fear.
I was alone and it was the most frightening moments of my life.
One more small but very vivid memory of that year was when my ex drugged me.
Yes, he drugged me.
He grilled steaks that night and with the seasoning he had crushed up a pill. I still do not know what it was, but it made me so sick and very sleepy. It was after I had our baby and after I had stopped breastfeeding, so at least he was conscious about that. But I had two babies in my house and I was not fit to watch them.
When I yelled at him for it, his excuse was he wanted me to relax and have a good nights sleep.
I felt so betrayed. It was one thing to do things to himself, but to drug ME... I was devastated and hurt. And above all I was angry. Maybe because of the adrenaline running through my body the drugs did not impact me as bad. I never passed out, which I am sure was very disappointing for him, but I did get sick and throw up. I also felt very light-headed and nauseated the rest of the night.
That house has very bad memories for me.
Nights of pacing the floor wondering if he was dead on the side of the road.
Nights of arguing and fighting and crying.
Nights of chasing him out of the house, begging him not to leave.
Days of watching him throwing up and passing out from coming off of the drugs.
And endless days and nights of feeling like my whole marriage was one big lie, filled with hopelessness.
Before our third anniversary we had to move away from our beautiful home. We had lost it to foreclosure. We could not pay ANY of our bills. Any money we did have had gone to drugs. We were broke and I was alone.
He was gone almost every night. If he was home he was either crashed on the bed or couch or he was in the garage tearing a part his engine because he swore it was making a strange noise. It is funny when you attempt to put back together an engine and there are parts left over. And yes this happened to him.
Guess what? We had to borrow money from MY parents so he could get a new engine for his truck because he could not figure out how to put it back together.
So... we moved away.
We found a rent to own home and were able to come up with the money to pay for the rent. I was working again and I was praying things would turn around so our family could survive.
I wanted my husband back. The man who swept me off my feet and made me feel protected and loved. He was gone, but at the same time he was still there. He would give me a taste of that man and then I would lose him again.
However, when we moved things seemed to change. I am not sure what it was, but life just calmed down. He was around more often and he was home almost every night. In fact my memories of that house were far more pleasant then the house before. I felt some what peaceful there and I felt like I had a part of my husband back again.
We lived there for six months and although there were a few incidents here and there, nothing as crazy as before. We made it through our third anniversary and about a third way into the year... then we had to move again.
And it got bad... no it got worse then ever.
We could not afford to live any where. We had to move in with family. I continued to work for my measly pay...
Just as a side note, FINISH COLLEGE EVEN IF YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND OR EVEN WIFE IS GOING TO SUPPORT YOU. Life throws curve balls and preparation is the best defense mechanism. I had not finished college and I could not get a great job. But the job I had was fulfilling and my kids were in day care for free. That saved us a WHOLE bunch of money.
We were not getting money from the state for day care, if you were wondering. My job provided free day care.
While we were living with family my ex began to disappear again. I think part of the reason was because he felt like he could not provide for his family so it depressed him which made him turn to drugs again.
He did a lot of stupid things. Things which I caught him doing. He was becoming very reckless and stupid. He could not keep a job and the good friends he had once had would not even speak to him. It was a bad turning point to our life together.
One time he told me he had to go to a convention for work. He claimed it was in a city about 3 hours away. He said he would only be gone a couple of days. I was just happy he was working some where. He took our car and was gone for only 2 days. When he got home, I found a San Diego phone book underneath the front seat. San Diego is 11 hours from us.
I confronted him. He said they went to San Diego instead, but he claimed it was for work, again. I knew he was lying. I knew he had gone to Mexico for drugs. I was wising up. I was doing my homework.
One day during this time, I caught my ex shooting up with heroin.
I was mortified. I saw him parked on the side of the road and it looked like he was just laying on the seat. I pulled over thinking something bad had happened. I opened the passenger door and there he was with a needle in his arm and a spoonful of heroin on the seat.
I think I called him a bunch of names that are not appropriate to mention, but I am not sure if he even remembers it. He barely opened his eyes long enough for me to slam the door and storm away.
I hated him at that moment. I could not believe I had married someone so weak, so deceitful and so self-centered. I did not allow him to come back home for quite awhile, but once again he wormed his way back into my life.
We eventually moved from our families home and moved into a duplex. It only had two bedrooms, but the second bedroom was large enough so the two kids could easily share. He had found a pretty good job and was finally making some what decent money again. His weird friends had started coming around again, but they were more helpful then before. I began to like them. I felt bad for all of them.
I knew HE was doing drugs. I knew he was messed up. I felt like I could save him. I was learning more and more about addicts and I wanted him to get better.
I wanted him to get help and I knew it was possible... From this point many things happened and I will post them in my third and final post on living with an addict.
To be continued...
Please share with others. You never know when someone else’s story will assist another. I am not sure if my story will do anything for anyone else, but one thing which made life easier for me was knowing I was not alone and that there were people out there who had made it through these issues in life.
I know my story so far is pretty depressing... but there is a point and a good ending for me. I would love to hear anyone else’s stories and I am also available to talk to anyone who might be going through a similar journey.
Peace and light to all!
The really bad seems a bit overwhelming when I look back. So much happened over the next few years and some times it is hard to sort in my head. However, there were a few incidents during those years that stand out more than others.
My ex-husband borrowed a large amount of money from his parents to put into another business with two other men. These men lived in different parts of the United States... one lived in Florida and I believe the other lived in Georgia.
These two men knew of my ex through other business ventures and they came to him. They wanted him to be a part of their team in this new business. To tell you the truth I cannot even remember which business it was... he tried out so many during our marriage and it is hard to remember them all. I do know it was some MLM and they needed the cash so they could buy leads.
My ex was a con. It is sad but very true. I do not know how many people he swindled out of their money, but I am sure there were many.
Eventually his two partners figured this out and kicked him out.
This period of events happened during our second year of marriage. We also became pregnant with our son. Just when I thought life was looking up, it came crashing back down on us.
These two men would not pay his parents back and they were furious about that.
Who could blame his parents?
My ex made it seem like it was these two men's fault and they were the ones swindling him out of the money. I had enough of his lies so I called them up myself. Wow, were there stories completely different. He had conned many of their leads out of money and did not deliver on the products. They had to kick him off the team because it was bad for their image and bad for the company. They did not feel like they owed the money to his parents and I could see why.
He had made his bed and now he got to sleep in it.
I could see a horrible pattern and it was really turning into a bad dream.
He was a wonderful salesman but he used the money up instead of giving them the product. He needed the money for all the drugs. I really did not know how deep he was in with the drugs, but shortly after our sons birth I found out.
It was a time I do not like to talk about or even remember. I will not go into too much detail for the safety of everyone involved, but I will give you a brief overview.
My ex was attacked by someone with a bat at a gas station while he was putting air in the car tires. He came home all banged up, but because he had seen the shadow of the guy behind him, he had moved just in the nick of time. If he had not they would have hit him in the head. He claimed they were trying to steal the car. I found out later they were going to kill him because of something he did...
I still do not know what the something was, but it must have been pretty big. It most likely was money or drugs. Is that not why most people kill other people these days?
The few days later, I called a friend from work...
This friend was so frightened as they told me the story of their last nights activities. This is where I will not go into too much detail.
To make it short... divine intervention was in play that night. The people who were wanting my ex dead were going to come kill him that night at our house. How my friend found this out is not important. What was important was that it was stopped because this person knew me.
They were going to come to my house... in fact they had been watching my house and they had been in my house. They had cut my telephone wires and they knew everything about us. They were the ones who had attacked him at the gas station.
I was sick... I had no idea what to do. I did not want to go back to my house... EVER!
I went to my mother-in-law immediately. She got me to calm down and she called my ex and had him come over. He told me my friend was crazy. I asked him how they knew the things they did including his attack at the gas station. He told lie after lie after lie. I knew I could not trust him. He had put my family and I in danger.
I wanted to tell my parents and leave him right then. He convinced me to stay. A great sales man. As many have told me, my ex could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman wearing white gloves. And I was scared, naive and not wanting my whole life to fall apart.
This all happened during our third year of marriage.
Another incident during our third year of marriage was the young woman who called me. She told me things about my ex that made me sick to stomach. Again. She said that he was a completely different person when he was not around me. She told me he stole from people and he did drugs right in my house and in my garage. She told me while I was sleeping up in the bedroom he was down in the garage doing drugs with all his buddies, including her. She said he had stolen her car and that was why she was calling me. She wanted her car back and she did not care if she threw him under the bus to get it.
What was I to say? I wanted to believe him. I wanted these things to stop happening. I wanted my life to be normal.
It was far from normal... I felt so hopeless and helpless. I had no where to turn.
His parents believed everything he said despite what I had told them.
I was scared to go to my parents, because I didn’t want my dad to go ballistic.
I could not talk to my friends.
The only one who had an idea of what was going on wanted nothing to do with it, out of fear.
I was alone and it was the most frightening moments of my life.
One more small but very vivid memory of that year was when my ex drugged me.
Yes, he drugged me.
He grilled steaks that night and with the seasoning he had crushed up a pill. I still do not know what it was, but it made me so sick and very sleepy. It was after I had our baby and after I had stopped breastfeeding, so at least he was conscious about that. But I had two babies in my house and I was not fit to watch them.
When I yelled at him for it, his excuse was he wanted me to relax and have a good nights sleep.
I felt so betrayed. It was one thing to do things to himself, but to drug ME... I was devastated and hurt. And above all I was angry. Maybe because of the adrenaline running through my body the drugs did not impact me as bad. I never passed out, which I am sure was very disappointing for him, but I did get sick and throw up. I also felt very light-headed and nauseated the rest of the night.
That house has very bad memories for me.
Nights of pacing the floor wondering if he was dead on the side of the road.
Nights of arguing and fighting and crying.
Nights of chasing him out of the house, begging him not to leave.
Days of watching him throwing up and passing out from coming off of the drugs.
And endless days and nights of feeling like my whole marriage was one big lie, filled with hopelessness.
Before our third anniversary we had to move away from our beautiful home. We had lost it to foreclosure. We could not pay ANY of our bills. Any money we did have had gone to drugs. We were broke and I was alone.
He was gone almost every night. If he was home he was either crashed on the bed or couch or he was in the garage tearing a part his engine because he swore it was making a strange noise. It is funny when you attempt to put back together an engine and there are parts left over. And yes this happened to him.
Guess what? We had to borrow money from MY parents so he could get a new engine for his truck because he could not figure out how to put it back together.
So... we moved away.
We found a rent to own home and were able to come up with the money to pay for the rent. I was working again and I was praying things would turn around so our family could survive.
I wanted my husband back. The man who swept me off my feet and made me feel protected and loved. He was gone, but at the same time he was still there. He would give me a taste of that man and then I would lose him again.
However, when we moved things seemed to change. I am not sure what it was, but life just calmed down. He was around more often and he was home almost every night. In fact my memories of that house were far more pleasant then the house before. I felt some what peaceful there and I felt like I had a part of my husband back again.
We lived there for six months and although there were a few incidents here and there, nothing as crazy as before. We made it through our third anniversary and about a third way into the year... then we had to move again.
And it got bad... no it got worse then ever.
We could not afford to live any where. We had to move in with family. I continued to work for my measly pay...
Just as a side note, FINISH COLLEGE EVEN IF YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND OR EVEN WIFE IS GOING TO SUPPORT YOU. Life throws curve balls and preparation is the best defense mechanism. I had not finished college and I could not get a great job. But the job I had was fulfilling and my kids were in day care for free. That saved us a WHOLE bunch of money.
We were not getting money from the state for day care, if you were wondering. My job provided free day care.
While we were living with family my ex began to disappear again. I think part of the reason was because he felt like he could not provide for his family so it depressed him which made him turn to drugs again.
He did a lot of stupid things. Things which I caught him doing. He was becoming very reckless and stupid. He could not keep a job and the good friends he had once had would not even speak to him. It was a bad turning point to our life together.
One time he told me he had to go to a convention for work. He claimed it was in a city about 3 hours away. He said he would only be gone a couple of days. I was just happy he was working some where. He took our car and was gone for only 2 days. When he got home, I found a San Diego phone book underneath the front seat. San Diego is 11 hours from us.
I confronted him. He said they went to San Diego instead, but he claimed it was for work, again. I knew he was lying. I knew he had gone to Mexico for drugs. I was wising up. I was doing my homework.
One day during this time, I caught my ex shooting up with heroin.
I was mortified. I saw him parked on the side of the road and it looked like he was just laying on the seat. I pulled over thinking something bad had happened. I opened the passenger door and there he was with a needle in his arm and a spoonful of heroin on the seat.
I think I called him a bunch of names that are not appropriate to mention, but I am not sure if he even remembers it. He barely opened his eyes long enough for me to slam the door and storm away.
I hated him at that moment. I could not believe I had married someone so weak, so deceitful and so self-centered. I did not allow him to come back home for quite awhile, but once again he wormed his way back into my life.
We eventually moved from our families home and moved into a duplex. It only had two bedrooms, but the second bedroom was large enough so the two kids could easily share. He had found a pretty good job and was finally making some what decent money again. His weird friends had started coming around again, but they were more helpful then before. I began to like them. I felt bad for all of them.
I knew HE was doing drugs. I knew he was messed up. I felt like I could save him. I was learning more and more about addicts and I wanted him to get better.
I wanted him to get help and I knew it was possible... From this point many things happened and I will post them in my third and final post on living with an addict.
To be continued...
Please share with others. You never know when someone else’s story will assist another. I am not sure if my story will do anything for anyone else, but one thing which made life easier for me was knowing I was not alone and that there were people out there who had made it through these issues in life.
I know my story so far is pretty depressing... but there is a point and a good ending for me. I would love to hear anyone else’s stories and I am also available to talk to anyone who might be going through a similar journey.
Peace and light to all!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Living With an Addict - Part 1
This is my story... a story that is in the past, but will forever be the reason I am the person I am today. I do not regret or want to change my life where it was at this time. It was scary and horrifying at times, but it made me a stronger person and for that I am grateful. .
Living With an Addict - Part 1
Waking up every night and finding your husband has disappeared again can feel awful.
I am not sure when this behavior began during our marriage, but I do know when it ended. It was a day from hell and it took a long time after that day to move on with my life.
My husband was addicted to illegal and legal drugs. He used Meth, Heroin, Cocaine, Oxycontin, Lora-tabs and to top it all off just for fun, Marijuana. I am sure he used other ones as well, but those are the only ones he admitted to or that I caught him with.
We got married in September 1998. I was only twenty-one and so VERY naive.
This was his second marriage.
He had two children with his first wife, but he did not see them any more. He had chosen to give up his rights to them. He gave me every song and dance about why he had done it and I believed him. It was not until later I found out the truth.
Our first year of marriage was easy. I was so in love and he made me feel protected. However, life with him began to get complicated and scary.
I remember one night a couple of months into our marriage when his behavior changed. He kept receiving phone calls from “some guy” he knew and I went to grab his phone to tell the “guy” to stop calling.
He freaked out. It was so unlike him. I was not scared, but I felt like something was very wrong at that moment. He did what he did best and smoothed it over with me. He was an excellent sales man and I being so naive fell for all his stories. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe there was something going on.
Some times I really think the latter was true.
One day during our first year of marriage, I noticed him placing something small up above the cupboards. It gave me chills when I saw it, so I waited until he was gone and I took a look at what he was hiding. It turned out to be cocaine. I did not know what it was when I first saw it, but I knew a friend who would know. She is the one who told me what it was. I was worried at that point. What to do? I was pregnant and only married for a short time. You would think everything would be going along so smoothly.
My blissful marriage was slowly turning into a lie.
I confronted him about the drugs. He had a story to tell me. Something about taking them from a friend and keeping them away from him. I knew it sounded fishy, but I chose to believe him.
These two incidents happened in the first 9 months of our marriage. He also started disappearing 1-2 times a week in the middle of the night. I am not sure how far into the marriage I began to notice his disappearances, but I do know they scared me.
He would always have an excuse... heard a noise outside and decided to follow it, a friend had a flat tire, he could not sleep so he took a walk, etc. etc. etc.
I listened to them all and not wanting to argue I let him feed me full of these lies. I wanted the perfect marriage and if by ignoring his faults would get me that, well... I was willing and ready. I mean, how bad could it really be.
Those crazy stories only happen in the movies, right?!?!?
Some time during the summer before our first anniversary we bought a house. I was so happy. It was 3400 square feet and all the room I felt I needed.
We had to come up with ten grand to get it... do you think we had that lying around? HAHAHA! Nope. Some how he was able to get it. He said he made extra big sales with his business. I believed him! I wanted that house so bad. I did not care how he got the money as long as I got my house.
I was so naive and blissfully stupid. The joke was on me, entirely.
After we got the house, life just blew up in my face.
We had given birth to a beautiful red headed girl, who was our pride and joy. We bought this fabulous house where she could grow up in and have security and happiness. Boy was I fooled. Life became an absolute mess!
He began disappearing 4-6 times a week during the middle of the night. When it first started getting this bad I would wake up scared and ticked off. I would storm downstairs to make sure he was really gone (which was 99% of the case) and I would then call him on his cell phone. Some times he would answer and once again feed me full of baloney and other times he would completely ignore me.
On top of all this, he began bringing around strange people. He claimed they were working with him, but I found that extremely odd when I would find them in our house in the middle of the night as well.
I cannot describe how worried, frightened and lost I felt. I did not tell anyone what was going on. I did not want anyone to think our marriage was a sham. I wanted the perfect marriage, but I was quickly losing the battle.
The first time I caught him with drugs was when he was smoking marijuana with one of these strange guys he worked with. I was over the top angry. I did not care it was only marijuana. It did not matter what drug it was. He was doing drugs on our property with a baby in the house. It made me sick to think about. What else was he lying to me about?
I felt like an idiot for believing his lies.
Just on a side note, my ex-husband was self-employed. He owned an online business where he built personal/business websites. He was really good at it and was an excellent sales man. He had a lot of great customers and I enjoyed being a part of it. His customers were always very nice to me, even after he conned them out of their money.
They called me when they found out their websites were not being constructed. I did not have an answer for them. I did not know he WAS NOT building them. I felt like someone had just pulled the rug out from underneath me.
We had USED their money.
We had taken our commission and then we had USED the rest to BUILD the websites.
Where was all this money? What was I supposed to do?
He never told the truth. I could not trust my own husband and I definitely could not trust all these strange folks who seemed to think they owned my house!
So, why did he need all these out of the ordinary people to work with him? Ding ding ding... they did not work with him. They did drugs with him and stole and conned with him.
It was all just one big lie.
Well, I don’t want to make this into a novel. I really just want to get my story out there. It was a bitter sweet experience and I am grateful I went through it. I am even more grateful I made it through it!
Life just got worse and worse. The marijuana was just the beginning. It quickly went really, really bad from there.
To be continued....
Living With an Addict - Part 1
Waking up every night and finding your husband has disappeared again can feel awful.
I am not sure when this behavior began during our marriage, but I do know when it ended. It was a day from hell and it took a long time after that day to move on with my life.
My husband was addicted to illegal and legal drugs. He used Meth, Heroin, Cocaine, Oxycontin, Lora-tabs and to top it all off just for fun, Marijuana. I am sure he used other ones as well, but those are the only ones he admitted to or that I caught him with.
We got married in September 1998. I was only twenty-one and so VERY naive.
This was his second marriage.
He had two children with his first wife, but he did not see them any more. He had chosen to give up his rights to them. He gave me every song and dance about why he had done it and I believed him. It was not until later I found out the truth.
Our first year of marriage was easy. I was so in love and he made me feel protected. However, life with him began to get complicated and scary.
I remember one night a couple of months into our marriage when his behavior changed. He kept receiving phone calls from “some guy” he knew and I went to grab his phone to tell the “guy” to stop calling.
He freaked out. It was so unlike him. I was not scared, but I felt like something was very wrong at that moment. He did what he did best and smoothed it over with me. He was an excellent sales man and I being so naive fell for all his stories. Or maybe I just didn’t want to believe there was something going on.
Some times I really think the latter was true.
One day during our first year of marriage, I noticed him placing something small up above the cupboards. It gave me chills when I saw it, so I waited until he was gone and I took a look at what he was hiding. It turned out to be cocaine. I did not know what it was when I first saw it, but I knew a friend who would know. She is the one who told me what it was. I was worried at that point. What to do? I was pregnant and only married for a short time. You would think everything would be going along so smoothly.
My blissful marriage was slowly turning into a lie.
I confronted him about the drugs. He had a story to tell me. Something about taking them from a friend and keeping them away from him. I knew it sounded fishy, but I chose to believe him.
These two incidents happened in the first 9 months of our marriage. He also started disappearing 1-2 times a week in the middle of the night. I am not sure how far into the marriage I began to notice his disappearances, but I do know they scared me.
He would always have an excuse... heard a noise outside and decided to follow it, a friend had a flat tire, he could not sleep so he took a walk, etc. etc. etc.
I listened to them all and not wanting to argue I let him feed me full of these lies. I wanted the perfect marriage and if by ignoring his faults would get me that, well... I was willing and ready. I mean, how bad could it really be.
Those crazy stories only happen in the movies, right?!?!?
Some time during the summer before our first anniversary we bought a house. I was so happy. It was 3400 square feet and all the room I felt I needed.
We had to come up with ten grand to get it... do you think we had that lying around? HAHAHA! Nope. Some how he was able to get it. He said he made extra big sales with his business. I believed him! I wanted that house so bad. I did not care how he got the money as long as I got my house.
I was so naive and blissfully stupid. The joke was on me, entirely.
After we got the house, life just blew up in my face.
We had given birth to a beautiful red headed girl, who was our pride and joy. We bought this fabulous house where she could grow up in and have security and happiness. Boy was I fooled. Life became an absolute mess!
He began disappearing 4-6 times a week during the middle of the night. When it first started getting this bad I would wake up scared and ticked off. I would storm downstairs to make sure he was really gone (which was 99% of the case) and I would then call him on his cell phone. Some times he would answer and once again feed me full of baloney and other times he would completely ignore me.
On top of all this, he began bringing around strange people. He claimed they were working with him, but I found that extremely odd when I would find them in our house in the middle of the night as well.
I cannot describe how worried, frightened and lost I felt. I did not tell anyone what was going on. I did not want anyone to think our marriage was a sham. I wanted the perfect marriage, but I was quickly losing the battle.
The first time I caught him with drugs was when he was smoking marijuana with one of these strange guys he worked with. I was over the top angry. I did not care it was only marijuana. It did not matter what drug it was. He was doing drugs on our property with a baby in the house. It made me sick to think about. What else was he lying to me about?
I felt like an idiot for believing his lies.
Just on a side note, my ex-husband was self-employed. He owned an online business where he built personal/business websites. He was really good at it and was an excellent sales man. He had a lot of great customers and I enjoyed being a part of it. His customers were always very nice to me, even after he conned them out of their money.
They called me when they found out their websites were not being constructed. I did not have an answer for them. I did not know he WAS NOT building them. I felt like someone had just pulled the rug out from underneath me.
We had USED their money.
We had taken our commission and then we had USED the rest to BUILD the websites.
Where was all this money? What was I supposed to do?
He never told the truth. I could not trust my own husband and I definitely could not trust all these strange folks who seemed to think they owned my house!
So, why did he need all these out of the ordinary people to work with him? Ding ding ding... they did not work with him. They did drugs with him and stole and conned with him.
It was all just one big lie.
Well, I don’t want to make this into a novel. I really just want to get my story out there. It was a bitter sweet experience and I am grateful I went through it. I am even more grateful I made it through it!
Life just got worse and worse. The marijuana was just the beginning. It quickly went really, really bad from there.
To be continued....
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